...what?

Well, its just after noon on a Saturday. Clouds are raining their asses off. Lovely.

Its times like these, I reflect, and I realize my life is one giant fucked up fucking fuck wad of weird. I'm fucking grasping at ridiculous, illogical notions to attempt to offer some reason for the past year. I mean, REALLY?! 

No one reads this, but if you do, then you probably either know me, or read enough from past entries (or you could if you really wanted to) about my past year. 

But besides all that, I also thought a lot this morning about my life 9 years ago. 

I honestly think that I think, that going to New York is going to solve, or give clarity to, all my issues from both of these time periods. I've just kind of made it that one point, off in the distance, that was going to make everything that messed me up 6 years ago better, and then through the course of the past year, its ended up possibly being what solves my problems from last August to now. 

But that would honestly be completely ridiculous. I need to stop day dreaming these ridiculous solutions to problems that are from my past and no longer fixable. 

I actually just need a better way to deal with them.

For instance, Watching all of Weeds season 2 while drinking gin and tonic and gin and grapefruit juice until 3 AM, while taking breaks to smoke alone on an empty bench, debating whether or not to see if any of my friends that ever joked about being my booty call would actually want to go through with it (at about 1AM), except I had enough sense NOT to do that, and then mixing a fucking amazing salad and getting it really close to the homemade salads I had in Switz, and then after that cooking an awesome grilled cheese (maybe I should channel my shit into cooking like in Julie & Julia? No? No.) and then after an amazing cliff hanger ending to the season, went to bed.

And now I'm watching it rain, listening to To Leave or Die in Long Island, thinking of how much I would like to do both (leave here, eventually die on LI, which is actually what I decided when I spend hours laying around in Switz coming to terms with my mortality, thats the short version).

I've decided that since the friends/not friends I have in NY are probably not going to really have anything to do with me, along with blowing $330 to stay in a goddamn hotel in fucking Plainview for 3 nights, I'm going to buy a fuck ton of train tickety/tokeny things and just ride around on trains, all over LI and probably Manhattan too, and just write. I wrote my best shit on trains in Switzerland, and the whole time I was looking forward to riding on trains in New York, so I think I'd actually enjoy that.

Yeah, it'll be a lot like this summer: riding on trains, eating good food, feeling alone and thinking/writing shit. Oh, and drinking a lot.

Except I'm hoping John wasn't just saying shit when he agreed we would watch Project Runway together on Thursday night. But if not, I'll have that hotel room (FUCK MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!!)

Okay, its almost 1, I'm going to driving half an hour in the down pour to the northside and go to Japanfest, then back to PTC to drink with Justice or something. 

"and if I had a big emo band, or dropped out of college, I would have never met you, man."

You know, I'm starting to think that might have been a good thing. Ugh.

Cheers loves

Coffee Shop Window Philosophy (as voiced to Chris via Skype)

do you ever feel like you're in several different movies? and sometimes it feels like you're in the right one, maybe just when you're walking down the street, or sitting around with friends? but you have no idea why it feels like the right one, and its so vague it just feels like the opening scenes, and you wish you could just peek ahead a little, at the rest of the script, just to know if you're right, and you actually are going in the right direction. but either way, you know once you get there, it will have gone by unaturally fast, and hopefully it was a good one.

i dunno. im just sitting in the window of a coffee shop watching it rain and watching random people walk by. its almost overwhelming to think that all these people have their own complex thoughts and lives like your own. the advanced state of the human race really is quite incredble. it almost bothers me. how the fuck did we come up with all this? and is the fact that we came up with all this the reason that we're so miserable most of the time? because there are too many choices and too many negative outcomes, and so much that we're terrified most of the time? and there are so many people, but we all still feel alone most of the time.

I have no idea why im feeling so philosophical today.

Probably the weather. i do best under these climate conditions.

 

if it was just 15 degrees colder i could probably split the atom.

Chris: so you're saying you sitting there thinking about those things is good?  im not judging I'm just clarifying.

no, probably not. but i suppose its better than chain smoking and drinking every night and then just laying around thinking about all the things you're worried about in the up coming month, and thats just the up coming month, and wishing you had someone.

Chris: probably, but either way it's all thinking too much

************************************************************

I suppose that was a decent ice breaker to what, like 4 months of no blogging. 

...I should join the mounted police force. I used to want to do that in Central Park. I have no idea why we have a need for them in Atlanta though. All the same, its not fair they get to ride horses all day and I have to walk everywhere.

Anyways, yeah, im probably gonna get back into using this thing. I had a wordpress called running in circles for a while, but that was extra-ordinarily depressing so I'll just use this for normal things? Semi-normal things anyways. 

Cheers, I don't feel like providing background for the past 4 months...just know they sucked a little. Europe on a whole was amazing, but I ended up being more stressed over things back home then I was to begin with. It was not a mental vacation by any means and that was what I needed. I tried to run away and put so much faith in that trip to save me, but in reality, I came back with at least 15 extra pounds, a rash, and I spent all of the $3,000 I had saved up, of which I had intended to come back with $1,000 of. 

So now I commute apx. 50 minutes to Carrollton, still working at Gallery Row, and still getting minimum wage even though I'm a manager and I've been with them over 2 years now. 

I need to finish my resume and find another job. 

But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I leave, who's to stop them from ruining that place too?

Fuck, I said no background information. Motherfuck.

Ok, that's really all for now, as always,

Cheers

This Is Me.

"breaking and changing...everything is always falling apart! everything is always falling apart!"

I feel awkward that I listen to and quote Bomb The Music Industry, and now ASOB, a lot. Rarely do I quote or recommend anything else to people anymore, except for Shinobu, Streetlight, or [spunge]. Bands with names starting with S or B are always the best, somehow.

Why I feel awkward I think I discussed in last blog, which was horribly long ago.

But its not because I'm good friends with Mike: its just that Bomb is how I've felt all year, especially now, and I've realized that the majority of ASOB describes the Kate half of the worst 2 weeks of my entire life last November.

Some guy found a kitten in the parking lot of my coffee shop last week, and I immediately said I'd take her and find her a home. 

Long story short, absolutely fell in love with her (her name is Mehphisto, because the song "Down, Down, Down to Mehphisto's Cafe" was playing when he brought her in), and I became her mommy.

Its funny how you can get so attached to something in 3 days, but I ended up giving her to a great home. The night before, I really was not taking it well, and somehow, that happened to be the night Mike actually had time to be online, so we talked for quite a while, and it was really nice-definitely cheered me the fuck up.

Can't wait for New York even more.

Whats fucked up is the fact that I'm going to Europe in 2 days, more like 1 day now, and I'm still more psyched about New York.

Besides the fact that I know it'll be seriously fun, I'll finally be able to get the closure I've needed for the past 3 years. 

Moving on...

So I've managed to have a couple really awesome times thus far into the summer. Don't really feel like going into details now. 

Been actually working a lot on writing some songs to send to Mike, who told me to send him some guitar/vocal tracks through Garage Band, he'd add drums, and we could finalize it on Pro Tools when I get out to LI.

I've written some music I enjoy, and I've finally come up with some lyrics that actually feel real, as in they're expressing what I need them to, so that I can feel better about shit thats been inside of me too long and I haven't been able to really express. Problem is, none of it seems to match up. Which is always my problem. And now I'm leaving in a day and a half, basically, so except for lyrics and possibly putting up with Garage Band nonsense, nothings happening til I get home.

Besides that, went out and had a farewell dinner with Cassie, Andy, and Ryan, since Paul and Garrett bailed last minute (are you surprised? you shouldn't be), came home, gave McCabe his giant goody bag of booze and water to take to Bonnaroo. Am I putting enough n's and r's in there? Eh, fuck it, don't care. 

But yeah. So now I was just laying on my bed, talking to my super drunk and super still distraught over his last girlfriend friend Kenny, listening to the album Album Minus Band, the song "Future 86", and it made me want to write shit out. 

So I'm just laying here, waiting til everyone goes to bed so I can slip out side and take the 24 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon out from under my car where I hid them earlier, so I can put them in the basement til I get home and get a chance to use them. Come Home Party, eh?

I have to wake up by at least 7 tomorrow, because I have orientation at my new school at like 8 or something. 

See? I don't even really know. Id rather just dick around and talk to people online than either make sure all my shit for school's in order, OR FUCKING PACK, or watch the travel DVD I borrowed on France and Belgium, OR FUCKING PACK, or get the most sleep I can get in the next 6 hours, OR FUCKING PACK. 

My mom acting pissed off at me all week for no reason really gets me down whenever I'm home. That and the fact that even though this ridiculous number of guys are interested in me, I can't seem to be attracted to any of them like that very much. 

"got a lot of shit in my head, you know we got to pull together, cause its not gonna stop til we're dead."

I really need someone. I need someone bad. I need a serious partner to go through life with for a while. Not like marriage, just a steady relationship for a while. But clearly I haven't found that person yet. But who knows? Some sexy Scottish guy might sweep me off my feet. Right? Right.

Ok.

No one cares, anymore or ever.

Oh, the Euromentary blog shebang is like wordpress.com/Runningacrosstheworld. Maybe. I'm not really sure how the address goes. But just go to wordpress.com and the name is Runningacrosstheworld. Seemed like it worked. 

Nothing up yet of course, but there will be. 

Since I leave in about one and a half days. 

And I need to FUCKING PACK.

Good night. 

[if there are spelling errors, I could really care less]

If Anyone DID Read This, They Wouldn't Believe it Anyways

Top Reasons I'm Currently Happy

10. My car turned out to be fine: the O2 sensor just needed to be replaced. Or something. 

9. Athens was lovely.

8. I played the game "cornholes" for the first time and got 2 beanbags in the hole, and my "team" won.

7. I got to hear "I'm Terrorfied" live, so my life is complete on some small level, somewhere.

6. Had a great time hanging out with Mike and company.

5. Got a gigantic hug from Jeff for making them cookies. Plus, he actually liked the them. 

4. Someone else on the fucking planet likes pasta with ketchup. Mike FTW.

3. I now have a place to stay when I go back to Long Island in the fall.

2. Mike is friendly enough with Tomas Kalnoky to have his number, and joked about calling and telling him he's friends with some beautiful girl who's a big fan of his. Um. Maybe this should be upgraded from joke status.

1. Tonight was my last shift at Jets Pizza. I'M FREEEEE from having to pretend to go along with all of their bullshit, from worrying about getting 2 hours worth of money stolen from me from time to time, and free to lose my shit on that pansy ass, native american, pastry chef who tried to fuck up my friends life. 

Top Reasons I'm Unhappy

10. I'm awake at 3:00 again.

9. Neither Jordan nor Chris made it to the show last night, and I was especially looking forward to hanging out with Chris cause I haven't seen him in forever.

8. I got weak hours in Carrollton this week.

7. I leave in about 20 days for Europe, and I still don't have everything together.

6. Due to complications I don't really feel like detailing right now, Simply Brew is going to take considerably more time than we thought to open.

5. I have to spend some time around my old high school next week. A.K.A, graduation rehearsals and graduation.

4. I found out my cousin's Crones disease is getting really, really bad and she has a absess in her intestines somewhere. So naturally I'm worried as hell, and therefore, I'm repressing all this and trying not to think about it, even though I should have called her last night to see how she was doing. 

3. Mike asked/implied marriage several times last night, with at least 30% seriousness. 

2. I don't know how to get it across that I think he's fantastic, but I just feel like we're friends.

1. If I fuck things up and accidently break his heart, then my 2nd favorite band, Bomb The Music Industry, is going to hate me.  

Facts

-I can't wait to see the look on Paul's face when I tell him about all that, since he is entirely out of the loop, and actually would know who I was talking about. 

- I'm a horrible person for not making what's going on with my cousin the number 1 reason I'm unhappy.

- I doubt I'll have time to get to the movies to see all the films I want to see.

- I get to see Craig again tomorrow, while working with Lars to do some trip planning.

- I've neglected to read any of Dorian Gray for the past several days.

- This fact list seems to mostly be turning into things that make me unhappy that I forgot to add to that list.

So the past 2 weeks of my life have been ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous and I guess awesome/weird at the same time, cause I've had a pretty damn good time overall.

Except I still feel like I'm justified in saying Fuck My Life.

But cheers, none the less!

Flip It, Flip It Good

So I went to Best Buy today to get the Canon I wanted for Euromentary and shit, and it was out of stock. So rather than leave empty handed, I checked out those little Flip things, that record 60-120 minutes and just USB right into your computer. I had been planning on getting one anyways, cause itd be useful for multiple camera angles, if we are separated, and if we do something like horse back riding or hang gliding. 

So I got the cheapest one, and it takes 120 minutes of stuff and it's pretty nifty. Got a nice little Swiss Gear bag for it, which is one size up from my digital camera, and found a full on Swiss Gear camera bag, which ill get for the new Canon, once I get my hands on him.

Besides that, I've been getting to know Mike Costa a bit better, which is cool. 

Haven't had much time to read Dorian Gray, I'll probably delve into that a bit this evening,

BECAUSE, I am home early from work,

BECAUSE, on my last delivery, the check engine light came on, and since I had been feeling like my car was driving a bit shakely lately, I got freaked out. Took it back to Jets, Alex checked the oil, and that was find, and everything else appeared fine, so no clue what it is yet.

Dad and I are taking it to the shop first thing in the morning to diagnostic it. 

It HAS to be functioning for tomorrow, because tomorrow is the Athens trip!!! Hangin out with Mike and the rest all night, sleeping over at Jack's brother's house, will be a fuckin BLAST.

It will not be missed for anything. ANYTHING.

So not sure if I'll start an entirely new blog for Euromentary or just stick to this one...nah, probably best to get the new one. Im just going to embed my Youtube videos and then write out some additional info/explanations, and of course the soundtrack. That's gonna be a big part of it to be sure. 

24 more days...I don't even know how to handle that! 

Still need back pack, camera, a billion tapes, need to learn how to edit, need international student ID's, need to count up $, need to get shit straight for school in the fall, need to take care of some doctors appointments, just loads of STUFF.

God, I can't wait for tomorrow =)

peace.

To Leave or Die in Long Island?

That is the question. (And one of my favorite BTMI albums)

Except I don't want to leave- I've already left. It's just been entirely too long since I've been back. 

The last time I was there, the last time I was in Planeview, I was watching my 2nd home for the first 13 years of my life blur by from a car, crammed full of things from my grandparent's house we hadn't sold or thrown in a dumpster earlier that day. 

Everything was empty and gone, and it meant that they were completely gone. 

We didn't clear out and sell the house until about 6 months after my grand ma died, so I had been holding onto the belief that as long as I could go back to the house, they'd still be there in a way.

But suddenly, it was all gone. And I haven't seen it since. 

At least with Gallery Row, even though it was brutal for a while to pass by the skeleton of that store, my newest home, every day, it still helped me realize and gradually except that it was gone. 

But despite everything I've tried in the past 5 years, I haven't been able to go back to New York and find any of the closure that I need.

Which leads me to my unique episodes of depressions (depressisodes?), that are solely based on how I miss that house and that town and especially my grandparents.

So now I'm laying in our house's guest room, which my mom refers to as her "mom's room", even though she died before she ever got to live in it.

Laying on the bed, eating english peas, listening to Stacy Orrico, reflecting.

(I'm not mad, those things all have special meaning to this).

All this repression and occasional resurfacing of pain must be taking years off my life. Or rather adding them. I must be somewhere between 25-30 by now.

I'm not gonna get better, and it's not gonna go away until I deal with it. I need to stand in front of that house-I need to walk down that street-I need to go to the places I used to go with them-feel the grass-smell the air. 

I need to go home.

That was my first real home, where I felt nurtured and like I could do anything.

It set the script for the rest of my life actually: I used to try and direct my cousins in musicals for Thanksgiving, which we'd perform and horribly mangle for the family after dinner every year. Now all I want to do is sing and act and perform. 

Most importantly, they taught me how to make coffee.

So I'd get up every morning before the 2 of them, or whoever else was there, and make coffee. I'd always add some extra beans to be ground-whatever felt right to me, and they would always say "oh, Rachel makes the best coffee".

I think they would be the only members of my family who would be legitimately proud of me for trying to open my own coffee shop.

But I'll never know, will I?

Anyways, had to talk to something about this, and as usual, Chris was less than interested in my mental state, so I gravitated to the blog. The bloooooog. 

Anyways. I'm actually alright, getting it out on virtual paper helps. 

And it will be fixed soon enough. 

Either way, still a good night for a beer. Or some wine? I only have shitty wine. Ah, well. 

Athens in 2 dayzzz. Skankz. 

4 O'clock in the Morning

It occurred to me, as I was driving on the back roads of the boondocks, that I had never before been driving anywhere at 4:00 am. 

Why was I doing so now?

After closing the store, I sat in a wet field behind a church and talked to Craig (friend from Carrollton) about various things, including as brief a summary as possible about the absurdly unbelievable goings-on at Jets. Needless to say, it was good to get that off my chest.

I haven't known Craig very long, but he's one of those people I feel like I've known forever, and it was very comforting. 

Somewhere in our talk, I brought up how I had virtually no self-esteem, and how I used to easily sink into episodes of depression and envision myself failing and giving up to settle down with some man and having kids and having some sort of office job, constantly, secretly hating my life.

He was completely shocked and said "Really? I didn't get that kind of vibe from you at all..."

And then I thought about it, and he was actually right: I don't really act like that anymore, because I don't really think that way anymore.

For a little while now, I've felt different to myself, even looked a bit different, and I wasn't entirely sure what it was. 

But I'm quite confident its because:

A) I've learned that I have to accept that I can't actually change a person-I can only try to make any time they have here a little bit better.

B) I've come to the realization that in reality, the human race was a lucky mistake, but a mistake none the less, so we really have no real point to existing. But because we're lucky enough that we do get to have a life, we have to stop trying to discover what humanity means to the world, but just discover what humanity means to us. 

C) You only get one chance to do any of this, so what the fuck is keeping you from trying anything and everything you want? There still are reasonable boundaries, but stop being afraid or consequences and rejection all the time.

Due to my newly bolstered self-confidence and sense of adventure, I've been able to experience more things, and make new friends, like Craig, and some members of Bomb.

Yep. The show was utterly fantastic. 

In short, I ended up driving Jordan, Matt, Greg, Tim, and Jack, all in my car, to the show. 

Took 2 hours because we accidently did a loop around l5p, then passed the road we were supposed to turn onto with out realizing it.

When we finally got there, there were 3 bands before BTMI, but most of that time was spent talking to Mike, who is their drummer, and who coincidently works in Planeview on Long Island. He was extremely nice, and we're legitimately friends now. I also had a long conversation with John, the bass player, who also played drums for Shinobu when they were in PTC. We were probably the 2 biggest fans of that band in Georgia at that exact moment. (If you haven't gathered by now, you should go listen to them!)

I gave Jeff (THE guy) a $20 donation (they have a donation based record label online), and he thought it was awesome, but he gave me 2 actual CD's for it too, and a couple hugs.

They all like hugs. They are "a very cuddly band," and I believe this. 

Jordan got to play sax with them for one song, and I am so proud/happy for him. He was really drunk and had only been playing for about 2 weeks, but he pulled it together.

We left, telling Jeff and Mike we'd all for sure be going to their show in Athens the following Wednesday, and I'd bake them some cookies. 

All in all, tremendously terrific night. 

Another smidgen of news: next week is officially my last week at Jets, and it feels soooo good. 

Business plans for Simple Brew are still going on, but Cassie's starting to think it will take longer than 3 months to get it open, which I agree on. But unless it costs like $300 to change flights, I'll still be coming home early. There will still be much work to be done. 

And now it's about 5 o'clock in the morning.

But I needed to do this; I've been letting myself fall behind miserable!

Good Night, one and all.