Lets Begin The November Chronicles...GO!

Well, if you (the nonreadership) can recall, next week begins the last week of the month of October, which last year was the last week before my life completely went to shit.

So its almost come full circle.

And I'm not sure why I'm constantly assuming this year will parallel the last, but nevertheless, I've been terrified of the oncoming November.

So lets see where I am now...working at Gallery Row again, except I've recently begun to hate it a little. And the only reason for that is the fact that I have to drive almost an hour to get here, and then work an 8 or 10 hour shift alone. Im still passionate about the work itself, especially my new assistant manager shit and finally being able to justify my power. Even if its still only for minimum wage. Oh yeah, thats another reason I'm fucking tired of this shit-my raise hasn't been showing up in payroll yet.

Besides the job, everything is actually going pretty fucking great, to the point of almost being too good to be true: I've finally figured out exactly what I want to study for the next 2 and a half years of forced higher education: Anthropology. Fuckin excited about it too.

McCabe and I are on absolutely honest and good terms, we've started working on music stuff, Andy and Ryan are happily married, Cassie and Roland are probably soon to be happily married, and for the first time in 5 years, Cassie has a real place to live. A real (and really nice) apartment with a real guy who takes care of her and makes her happy no strings attached.

Marleny, though in shitloads of debt, is still fairly happy, and is probably going to settle down herself in the next few years. Dunno what Garretts up to except for lots of mountain biking, but I think he's good for now. Paul cut his hair and is probably going to become a victim of "Bro Rape" (youtube it) before long, but I think he's content, and thats what matters.

I've been to New York, I've sat in front of that house and cried, and I'm closer to feeling OK with all that again. My relationship with my mom is unrecognizable compared to a year ago. We actually went out and got along perfectly for an entire evening. It was actually fun. She treats me like a real human being now.

I'm dating a guy that is so close to perfect it bothers me. Except he only pays for me if its something cheap, like just coffee. And he makes way more than me, so I don't get it...

Is it bad that when things are going really well, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan again? And I mean, honestly, this is what happened last year about this time, except things are actually way better than they were....so does that mean that whatevers coming is going to be correspondingly worse? Or am I paranoid? Or did everything thats happened in the past year just been necessary to get to this point?

We shall see...

I had one of those moments where I felt like I'm already in the future, like grandparent age, and that whats happening right now is just a flashback into the past.

Of course, thats really what it is, if you want to get freaky and technical: somewhere in the future, we already are looking back and remembering whats happening right now. You know? You care? NO! Ha...

So yeah. I need to keep up with this more like I used to. I'm really going to make more of an effort. Cyber venting fronts are good for me.

Cheers,

...what?

Well, its just after noon on a Saturday. Clouds are raining their asses off. Lovely.

Its times like these, I reflect, and I realize my life is one giant fucked up fucking fuck wad of weird. I'm fucking grasping at ridiculous, illogical notions to attempt to offer some reason for the past year. I mean, REALLY?! 

No one reads this, but if you do, then you probably either know me, or read enough from past entries (or you could if you really wanted to) about my past year. 

But besides all that, I also thought a lot this morning about my life 9 years ago. 

I honestly think that I think, that going to New York is going to solve, or give clarity to, all my issues from both of these time periods. I've just kind of made it that one point, off in the distance, that was going to make everything that messed me up 6 years ago better, and then through the course of the past year, its ended up possibly being what solves my problems from last August to now. 

But that would honestly be completely ridiculous. I need to stop day dreaming these ridiculous solutions to problems that are from my past and no longer fixable. 

I actually just need a better way to deal with them.

For instance, Watching all of Weeds season 2 while drinking gin and tonic and gin and grapefruit juice until 3 AM, while taking breaks to smoke alone on an empty bench, debating whether or not to see if any of my friends that ever joked about being my booty call would actually want to go through with it (at about 1AM), except I had enough sense NOT to do that, and then mixing a fucking amazing salad and getting it really close to the homemade salads I had in Switz, and then after that cooking an awesome grilled cheese (maybe I should channel my shit into cooking like in Julie & Julia? No? No.) and then after an amazing cliff hanger ending to the season, went to bed.

And now I'm watching it rain, listening to To Leave or Die in Long Island, thinking of how much I would like to do both (leave here, eventually die on LI, which is actually what I decided when I spend hours laying around in Switz coming to terms with my mortality, thats the short version).

I've decided that since the friends/not friends I have in NY are probably not going to really have anything to do with me, along with blowing $330 to stay in a goddamn hotel in fucking Plainview for 3 nights, I'm going to buy a fuck ton of train tickety/tokeny things and just ride around on trains, all over LI and probably Manhattan too, and just write. I wrote my best shit on trains in Switzerland, and the whole time I was looking forward to riding on trains in New York, so I think I'd actually enjoy that.

Yeah, it'll be a lot like this summer: riding on trains, eating good food, feeling alone and thinking/writing shit. Oh, and drinking a lot.

Except I'm hoping John wasn't just saying shit when he agreed we would watch Project Runway together on Thursday night. But if not, I'll have that hotel room (FUCK MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!!)

Okay, its almost 1, I'm going to driving half an hour in the down pour to the northside and go to Japanfest, then back to PTC to drink with Justice or something. 

"and if I had a big emo band, or dropped out of college, I would have never met you, man."

You know, I'm starting to think that might have been a good thing. Ugh.

Cheers loves

Coffee Shop Window Philosophy (as voiced to Chris via Skype)

do you ever feel like you're in several different movies? and sometimes it feels like you're in the right one, maybe just when you're walking down the street, or sitting around with friends? but you have no idea why it feels like the right one, and its so vague it just feels like the opening scenes, and you wish you could just peek ahead a little, at the rest of the script, just to know if you're right, and you actually are going in the right direction. but either way, you know once you get there, it will have gone by unaturally fast, and hopefully it was a good one.

i dunno. im just sitting in the window of a coffee shop watching it rain and watching random people walk by. its almost overwhelming to think that all these people have their own complex thoughts and lives like your own. the advanced state of the human race really is quite incredble. it almost bothers me. how the fuck did we come up with all this? and is the fact that we came up with all this the reason that we're so miserable most of the time? because there are too many choices and too many negative outcomes, and so much that we're terrified most of the time? and there are so many people, but we all still feel alone most of the time.

I have no idea why im feeling so philosophical today.

Probably the weather. i do best under these climate conditions.

 

if it was just 15 degrees colder i could probably split the atom.

Chris: so you're saying you sitting there thinking about those things is good?  im not judging I'm just clarifying.

no, probably not. but i suppose its better than chain smoking and drinking every night and then just laying around thinking about all the things you're worried about in the up coming month, and thats just the up coming month, and wishing you had someone.

Chris: probably, but either way it's all thinking too much

************************************************************

I suppose that was a decent ice breaker to what, like 4 months of no blogging. 

...I should join the mounted police force. I used to want to do that in Central Park. I have no idea why we have a need for them in Atlanta though. All the same, its not fair they get to ride horses all day and I have to walk everywhere.

Anyways, yeah, im probably gonna get back into using this thing. I had a wordpress called running in circles for a while, but that was extra-ordinarily depressing so I'll just use this for normal things? Semi-normal things anyways. 

Cheers, I don't feel like providing background for the past 4 months...just know they sucked a little. Europe on a whole was amazing, but I ended up being more stressed over things back home then I was to begin with. It was not a mental vacation by any means and that was what I needed. I tried to run away and put so much faith in that trip to save me, but in reality, I came back with at least 15 extra pounds, a rash, and I spent all of the $3,000 I had saved up, of which I had intended to come back with $1,000 of. 

So now I commute apx. 50 minutes to Carrollton, still working at Gallery Row, and still getting minimum wage even though I'm a manager and I've been with them over 2 years now. 

I need to finish my resume and find another job. 

But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I leave, who's to stop them from ruining that place too?

Fuck, I said no background information. Motherfuck.

Ok, that's really all for now, as always,

Cheers

This Is Me.

"breaking and changing...everything is always falling apart! everything is always falling apart!"

I feel awkward that I listen to and quote Bomb The Music Industry, and now ASOB, a lot. Rarely do I quote or recommend anything else to people anymore, except for Shinobu, Streetlight, or [spunge]. Bands with names starting with S or B are always the best, somehow.

Why I feel awkward I think I discussed in last blog, which was horribly long ago.

But its not because I'm good friends with Mike: its just that Bomb is how I've felt all year, especially now, and I've realized that the majority of ASOB describes the Kate half of the worst 2 weeks of my entire life last November.

Some guy found a kitten in the parking lot of my coffee shop last week, and I immediately said I'd take her and find her a home. 

Long story short, absolutely fell in love with her (her name is Mehphisto, because the song "Down, Down, Down to Mehphisto's Cafe" was playing when he brought her in), and I became her mommy.

Its funny how you can get so attached to something in 3 days, but I ended up giving her to a great home. The night before, I really was not taking it well, and somehow, that happened to be the night Mike actually had time to be online, so we talked for quite a while, and it was really nice-definitely cheered me the fuck up.

Can't wait for New York even more.

Whats fucked up is the fact that I'm going to Europe in 2 days, more like 1 day now, and I'm still more psyched about New York.

Besides the fact that I know it'll be seriously fun, I'll finally be able to get the closure I've needed for the past 3 years. 

Moving on...

So I've managed to have a couple really awesome times thus far into the summer. Don't really feel like going into details now. 

Been actually working a lot on writing some songs to send to Mike, who told me to send him some guitar/vocal tracks through Garage Band, he'd add drums, and we could finalize it on Pro Tools when I get out to LI.

I've written some music I enjoy, and I've finally come up with some lyrics that actually feel real, as in they're expressing what I need them to, so that I can feel better about shit thats been inside of me too long and I haven't been able to really express. Problem is, none of it seems to match up. Which is always my problem. And now I'm leaving in a day and a half, basically, so except for lyrics and possibly putting up with Garage Band nonsense, nothings happening til I get home.

Besides that, went out and had a farewell dinner with Cassie, Andy, and Ryan, since Paul and Garrett bailed last minute (are you surprised? you shouldn't be), came home, gave McCabe his giant goody bag of booze and water to take to Bonnaroo. Am I putting enough n's and r's in there? Eh, fuck it, don't care. 

But yeah. So now I was just laying on my bed, talking to my super drunk and super still distraught over his last girlfriend friend Kenny, listening to the album Album Minus Band, the song "Future 86", and it made me want to write shit out. 

So I'm just laying here, waiting til everyone goes to bed so I can slip out side and take the 24 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon out from under my car where I hid them earlier, so I can put them in the basement til I get home and get a chance to use them. Come Home Party, eh?

I have to wake up by at least 7 tomorrow, because I have orientation at my new school at like 8 or something. 

See? I don't even really know. Id rather just dick around and talk to people online than either make sure all my shit for school's in order, OR FUCKING PACK, or watch the travel DVD I borrowed on France and Belgium, OR FUCKING PACK, or get the most sleep I can get in the next 6 hours, OR FUCKING PACK. 

My mom acting pissed off at me all week for no reason really gets me down whenever I'm home. That and the fact that even though this ridiculous number of guys are interested in me, I can't seem to be attracted to any of them like that very much. 

"got a lot of shit in my head, you know we got to pull together, cause its not gonna stop til we're dead."

I really need someone. I need someone bad. I need a serious partner to go through life with for a while. Not like marriage, just a steady relationship for a while. But clearly I haven't found that person yet. But who knows? Some sexy Scottish guy might sweep me off my feet. Right? Right.

Ok.

No one cares, anymore or ever.

Oh, the Euromentary blog shebang is like wordpress.com/Runningacrosstheworld. Maybe. I'm not really sure how the address goes. But just go to wordpress.com and the name is Runningacrosstheworld. Seemed like it worked. 

Nothing up yet of course, but there will be. 

Since I leave in about one and a half days. 

And I need to FUCKING PACK.

Good night. 

[if there are spelling errors, I could really care less]

If Anyone DID Read This, They Wouldn't Believe it Anyways

Top Reasons I'm Currently Happy

10. My car turned out to be fine: the O2 sensor just needed to be replaced. Or something. 

9. Athens was lovely.

8. I played the game "cornholes" for the first time and got 2 beanbags in the hole, and my "team" won.

7. I got to hear "I'm Terrorfied" live, so my life is complete on some small level, somewhere.

6. Had a great time hanging out with Mike and company.

5. Got a gigantic hug from Jeff for making them cookies. Plus, he actually liked the them. 

4. Someone else on the fucking planet likes pasta with ketchup. Mike FTW.

3. I now have a place to stay when I go back to Long Island in the fall.

2. Mike is friendly enough with Tomas Kalnoky to have his number, and joked about calling and telling him he's friends with some beautiful girl who's a big fan of his. Um. Maybe this should be upgraded from joke status.

1. Tonight was my last shift at Jets Pizza. I'M FREEEEE from having to pretend to go along with all of their bullshit, from worrying about getting 2 hours worth of money stolen from me from time to time, and free to lose my shit on that pansy ass, native american, pastry chef who tried to fuck up my friends life. 

Top Reasons I'm Unhappy

10. I'm awake at 3:00 again.

9. Neither Jordan nor Chris made it to the show last night, and I was especially looking forward to hanging out with Chris cause I haven't seen him in forever.

8. I got weak hours in Carrollton this week.

7. I leave in about 20 days for Europe, and I still don't have everything together.

6. Due to complications I don't really feel like detailing right now, Simply Brew is going to take considerably more time than we thought to open.

5. I have to spend some time around my old high school next week. A.K.A, graduation rehearsals and graduation.

4. I found out my cousin's Crones disease is getting really, really bad and she has a absess in her intestines somewhere. So naturally I'm worried as hell, and therefore, I'm repressing all this and trying not to think about it, even though I should have called her last night to see how she was doing. 

3. Mike asked/implied marriage several times last night, with at least 30% seriousness. 

2. I don't know how to get it across that I think he's fantastic, but I just feel like we're friends.

1. If I fuck things up and accidently break his heart, then my 2nd favorite band, Bomb The Music Industry, is going to hate me.  

Facts

-I can't wait to see the look on Paul's face when I tell him about all that, since he is entirely out of the loop, and actually would know who I was talking about. 

- I'm a horrible person for not making what's going on with my cousin the number 1 reason I'm unhappy.

- I doubt I'll have time to get to the movies to see all the films I want to see.

- I get to see Craig again tomorrow, while working with Lars to do some trip planning.

- I've neglected to read any of Dorian Gray for the past several days.

- This fact list seems to mostly be turning into things that make me unhappy that I forgot to add to that list.

So the past 2 weeks of my life have been ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous and I guess awesome/weird at the same time, cause I've had a pretty damn good time overall.

Except I still feel like I'm justified in saying Fuck My Life.

But cheers, none the less!

Flip It, Flip It Good

So I went to Best Buy today to get the Canon I wanted for Euromentary and shit, and it was out of stock. So rather than leave empty handed, I checked out those little Flip things, that record 60-120 minutes and just USB right into your computer. I had been planning on getting one anyways, cause itd be useful for multiple camera angles, if we are separated, and if we do something like horse back riding or hang gliding. 

So I got the cheapest one, and it takes 120 minutes of stuff and it's pretty nifty. Got a nice little Swiss Gear bag for it, which is one size up from my digital camera, and found a full on Swiss Gear camera bag, which ill get for the new Canon, once I get my hands on him.

Besides that, I've been getting to know Mike Costa a bit better, which is cool. 

Haven't had much time to read Dorian Gray, I'll probably delve into that a bit this evening,

BECAUSE, I am home early from work,

BECAUSE, on my last delivery, the check engine light came on, and since I had been feeling like my car was driving a bit shakely lately, I got freaked out. Took it back to Jets, Alex checked the oil, and that was find, and everything else appeared fine, so no clue what it is yet.

Dad and I are taking it to the shop first thing in the morning to diagnostic it. 

It HAS to be functioning for tomorrow, because tomorrow is the Athens trip!!! Hangin out with Mike and the rest all night, sleeping over at Jack's brother's house, will be a fuckin BLAST.

It will not be missed for anything. ANYTHING.

So not sure if I'll start an entirely new blog for Euromentary or just stick to this one...nah, probably best to get the new one. Im just going to embed my Youtube videos and then write out some additional info/explanations, and of course the soundtrack. That's gonna be a big part of it to be sure. 

24 more days...I don't even know how to handle that! 

Still need back pack, camera, a billion tapes, need to learn how to edit, need international student ID's, need to count up $, need to get shit straight for school in the fall, need to take care of some doctors appointments, just loads of STUFF.

God, I can't wait for tomorrow =)

peace.

To Leave or Die in Long Island?

That is the question. (And one of my favorite BTMI albums)

Except I don't want to leave- I've already left. It's just been entirely too long since I've been back. 

The last time I was there, the last time I was in Planeview, I was watching my 2nd home for the first 13 years of my life blur by from a car, crammed full of things from my grandparent's house we hadn't sold or thrown in a dumpster earlier that day. 

Everything was empty and gone, and it meant that they were completely gone. 

We didn't clear out and sell the house until about 6 months after my grand ma died, so I had been holding onto the belief that as long as I could go back to the house, they'd still be there in a way.

But suddenly, it was all gone. And I haven't seen it since. 

At least with Gallery Row, even though it was brutal for a while to pass by the skeleton of that store, my newest home, every day, it still helped me realize and gradually except that it was gone. 

But despite everything I've tried in the past 5 years, I haven't been able to go back to New York and find any of the closure that I need.

Which leads me to my unique episodes of depressions (depressisodes?), that are solely based on how I miss that house and that town and especially my grandparents.

So now I'm laying in our house's guest room, which my mom refers to as her "mom's room", even though she died before she ever got to live in it.

Laying on the bed, eating english peas, listening to Stacy Orrico, reflecting.

(I'm not mad, those things all have special meaning to this).

All this repression and occasional resurfacing of pain must be taking years off my life. Or rather adding them. I must be somewhere between 25-30 by now.

I'm not gonna get better, and it's not gonna go away until I deal with it. I need to stand in front of that house-I need to walk down that street-I need to go to the places I used to go with them-feel the grass-smell the air. 

I need to go home.

That was my first real home, where I felt nurtured and like I could do anything.

It set the script for the rest of my life actually: I used to try and direct my cousins in musicals for Thanksgiving, which we'd perform and horribly mangle for the family after dinner every year. Now all I want to do is sing and act and perform. 

Most importantly, they taught me how to make coffee.

So I'd get up every morning before the 2 of them, or whoever else was there, and make coffee. I'd always add some extra beans to be ground-whatever felt right to me, and they would always say "oh, Rachel makes the best coffee".

I think they would be the only members of my family who would be legitimately proud of me for trying to open my own coffee shop.

But I'll never know, will I?

Anyways, had to talk to something about this, and as usual, Chris was less than interested in my mental state, so I gravitated to the blog. The bloooooog. 

Anyways. I'm actually alright, getting it out on virtual paper helps. 

And it will be fixed soon enough. 

Either way, still a good night for a beer. Or some wine? I only have shitty wine. Ah, well. 

Athens in 2 dayzzz. Skankz. 

4 O'clock in the Morning

It occurred to me, as I was driving on the back roads of the boondocks, that I had never before been driving anywhere at 4:00 am. 

Why was I doing so now?

After closing the store, I sat in a wet field behind a church and talked to Craig (friend from Carrollton) about various things, including as brief a summary as possible about the absurdly unbelievable goings-on at Jets. Needless to say, it was good to get that off my chest.

I haven't known Craig very long, but he's one of those people I feel like I've known forever, and it was very comforting. 

Somewhere in our talk, I brought up how I had virtually no self-esteem, and how I used to easily sink into episodes of depression and envision myself failing and giving up to settle down with some man and having kids and having some sort of office job, constantly, secretly hating my life.

He was completely shocked and said "Really? I didn't get that kind of vibe from you at all..."

And then I thought about it, and he was actually right: I don't really act like that anymore, because I don't really think that way anymore.

For a little while now, I've felt different to myself, even looked a bit different, and I wasn't entirely sure what it was. 

But I'm quite confident its because:

A) I've learned that I have to accept that I can't actually change a person-I can only try to make any time they have here a little bit better.

B) I've come to the realization that in reality, the human race was a lucky mistake, but a mistake none the less, so we really have no real point to existing. But because we're lucky enough that we do get to have a life, we have to stop trying to discover what humanity means to the world, but just discover what humanity means to us. 

C) You only get one chance to do any of this, so what the fuck is keeping you from trying anything and everything you want? There still are reasonable boundaries, but stop being afraid or consequences and rejection all the time.

Due to my newly bolstered self-confidence and sense of adventure, I've been able to experience more things, and make new friends, like Craig, and some members of Bomb.

Yep. The show was utterly fantastic. 

In short, I ended up driving Jordan, Matt, Greg, Tim, and Jack, all in my car, to the show. 

Took 2 hours because we accidently did a loop around l5p, then passed the road we were supposed to turn onto with out realizing it.

When we finally got there, there were 3 bands before BTMI, but most of that time was spent talking to Mike, who is their drummer, and who coincidently works in Planeview on Long Island. He was extremely nice, and we're legitimately friends now. I also had a long conversation with John, the bass player, who also played drums for Shinobu when they were in PTC. We were probably the 2 biggest fans of that band in Georgia at that exact moment. (If you haven't gathered by now, you should go listen to them!)

I gave Jeff (THE guy) a $20 donation (they have a donation based record label online), and he thought it was awesome, but he gave me 2 actual CD's for it too, and a couple hugs.

They all like hugs. They are "a very cuddly band," and I believe this. 

Jordan got to play sax with them for one song, and I am so proud/happy for him. He was really drunk and had only been playing for about 2 weeks, but he pulled it together.

We left, telling Jeff and Mike we'd all for sure be going to their show in Athens the following Wednesday, and I'd bake them some cookies. 

All in all, tremendously terrific night. 

Another smidgen of news: next week is officially my last week at Jets, and it feels soooo good. 

Business plans for Simple Brew are still going on, but Cassie's starting to think it will take longer than 3 months to get it open, which I agree on. But unless it costs like $300 to change flights, I'll still be coming home early. There will still be much work to be done. 

And now it's about 5 o'clock in the morning.

But I needed to do this; I've been letting myself fall behind miserable!

Good Night, one and all.

Oh Jeez, Minor Fail...

A thousand apologizes, nonreaders (and Karina)! I have not written in a week!

But that week has been filled with sooooo much happiness and sooooo much unbelievability. 

Wow. Unbelievability is a real word. 

To summarize things: some crazy black girl that only got one cup of ranch dressing instead of 2 with her pizza, and then decided to leave her house while waiting for her 2nd delivery attempt to get there wanted to beat me up at work. Cassie wouldn't let her, Daniel flipped a shit on her, she had a major breakdown in the bathroom and quit, so no more moving into apartment the next day. 

So instead, me her and Andy try to find someone renting out a basement suite or something. Later on, we end up getting my cartlidge piecred, which went fantastic even though I only got one hole instead of 2. No pain, my ears are awesome. 

Then Cassie and I drop Andy off and decide to go get ice cream at Ritas. While sitting there, we look at the last empty space in that block of restaurants, and are drawn to its awesome coffee shop potential. After a call to the owner of the complex that went unbelievably well, we are told to draw up a business plan as soon as possible because he built that space for a coffee shop and he loves Cassie's ideas.

This has been lighting the fire in my soul, and especially Cassie's for the past week. 

She stood up to Daniel and quit, so FINALLY, she's free of Jets, and has enough saved up to live off of until another in between job is found.

Also, my first 2 shifts at Gallery Row were EXCELLENT, as to be expected.

I've made a new friend named Craig. We are going to trade clothes some time next week haha.

We've also given each other lists of music the other needs to check out. We have different core styles, but enough similar taste to make good suggestions for each other. 

For instance, Placebo is growing on me. 

On a totally different foot, today was my last day of school. And I made an A on my Dostoevsky paper. And my high school still is going to make me an honor graduate.

On another, other foot, I walked into work Wednesday, told Donald good morning, and it was going to be a great day. Because I said so. And now we're cool again. 

HAH!

On and asshole ish foot, I have lost respect for Death Cab For Cutie. The show was great, to be certain, but then as we walked back to the car, we were passing the tour buses, and the crew put up a barricade in the sidewalk right in front of us. So Lars and I were in prime position to meet them when they came out. Personally, I was stoked to get a picture with Chris Walla. Even though the had short hair and was not wearing a hat. 

However, 2 hours later, the drummer was the only one who came out to sign stuff, and he hardly did any of that. We got nothin. 

I managed to get a picture of Chris Walla opening the door while holding a suitcase, promising the ever dwindling crowd he would be back out. 

By the time 2 AM rolled around, I was almost convinced my car had been towed from The Varsity parking lot, and we left. 

Whether or not the crazy 14 year old girl and her mother ever got to meet Ben Gibbard, I do not know. 

But I digress. 

Always.

Things are good, and getting better, as far as I can tell. I am absolutely loving reading The Small Business Kit For Dummies, or whatever, and coming up with a business plan uses all my little talents. Creativity for coming up with things like mission statements and marketing, easy math problems, like figuring out what to make prices so we can add sales tax in to make it easier for the customer, while still making a profit and having lower prices than competitors, and interior design: tomorrow I start work on a design concept board, with paint samples and wood samples and floor plans and things, if Garrett will get back to us. 

Horrendous run on sentence there, but you get it.

BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!

And I most certainly will hang out with Jeff Rosenstock. Suck a fat one, Ben Gibbard! 

He is cooler than you anyways. 

I leave in 31 days. One month. Oh my. 

OH! I'll be returning early now, to help open Simply Brew (that'll be this store's name, if I didn't mention that earlier, which I don't think I did), and therefore, I will not miss Jordan's swanky birthday party! 

Its a win win win super win situation all around!

Cheers! Cheers everywhere! 

excellent idea that, its a good night to have a beer!

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thy PANTS, Romeo?

That is my big question for life right now I suppose. 

Pants pants pants.

Thank you, Louise Rennison, for writing the craziest fucking books EVER. I would not know how to be a proper mad British girl without them. 

Other than that, I am most definitely on the schedule to work at Gallery Row this weekend, and I am SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING STOKED about it. 

The Meet & Munch thing was quite a success, even though it should have been a complete crash and burn. A complete, mind-blowingly boring crash and burn.

I am now friends again with my old middle school best friend, Tracy, which is awesome, its like a shitty part of my past I've patched up now.

But still, the best part had to be the fact that Jordan fucking crashed it.

Hahahahahahahaha.

He was the "guest" of a friend of his thats going to GSU. We were both basically there for the free food, which actually was not that great.

They gave us all questionaires with fairly stupid questions, and we had to go around and "mingle" to get people to answer it. 

In other words, we sat there, and people who wanted to be the 1st to finish and "win a prize!" came up to us and told us to sign by something. 

Everything was made hilarious though. Thank God for Jordan having the magical ability to make any and every situation 10x's better. 

Then I went up to the store AGAIN with Andy, and finally got to meet Marie's baby, who we had promised to visit back in January. 

We're kinda pathetic and bad people in that way.

But any who, terrific storm last night, made the power go out, and I was quite happy.

I love it when the power goes out, cause then you have to use candles and everything, and its stormy outside, and I just enjoy it.

Luckily, it came back on time for me to watch some TV before falling asleep. I woke up to a gorgeous, cloudy, rainy morning (my favorite).

Unfortunately, I also woke up with a strange headache and I had a random blurry spot in myleft eye that lasted for at least 3o minutes. It scared me a bit. Its gone now, but my head's still not feeling right. Its kinda like, over tired plus fever, but at the same time it doesn't feel like a fever. Its like an all over ache and tiredness. 

I blame Friday night. 

And the past 6 months of my life.

But anyways, only 38 more days until I leave for Europe...which is like nothing.

It's actually starting to sink in a little bit. It's crazy!!! Excited and nervous and the like.

A bientot, mes petits

Living Alive

It's been a little while since I've said anything, so I'm gonna try to keep it as simple as possible.

The French Skit went great, but there is no recording of it, as of yet.

I have my last day of class on Monday, and then an exam next Thursday and the following Monday.

Yesterday, Friday, was a good day, until about 8 o'clock. Then it got absolutely crazy. 

I don't really want to go into all the details. But it involved picking up furniture/personal belongings off of someone's lawn. And spending the rest of the night alternating between not being able to really feel, and being too worried about having to watch someone go though something horrible all over again. So I came home and drank some feelings and talked to someone about hypothetical situations. 

At least this Friday night, I remembered to get chips for the dip, and I had good beer. 

And I was more worried than overly depressed. 

Slept til 12 today, went to Tasha's play and was incredibly proud of her. 

Although nothing in the past 24 hours went anything like was planned, I managed to enjoy today more than I think I would have otherwise. 

I drove to Carrolton, as it was raining, listened to mellow, thought-provoking , indie music.

Got my coffee, walked around the square, took some pictures, just kinda, thinking- but only slightly. 

Discovered from a phone call that Cassie's job was secure, and was finally able to believe that everything was ok. 

Got a scone and some coffee for her, and drove back.

The sun was about to go down, and everything was freshly rained on. Rain makes everything more beautiful. 

Kept driving, had the window down, listened to Death Cab and Imogen Heap.

I listened to "Transatlaniscism", and realized that in about 40 day's time, I would actually fully understand the meaning of that song. 

It's funny how as time goes by, the same songs start to mean different things.

I brought Cassie her coffee because she was still at the store. I sat outside with her, Daniel, and Regina, having coffee and a cigarette. I love the way they go together, just the smell and everything. 

I feel much better. 

Everything's not perfect, but everything's still ok. I think I gained 3 years after last night though. I look different today, its weird. 

Now I'm watching X-Men 2 on TV. Bitch you ain't no nerd? I love this movie. 

I don't feel compelled to see any of the Terminator movies. 

OH. Forgot to mention, after work on Thursday, I walked by China Cafe and they had a sign in the window saying they were hiring part time servers or cashiers, so I went in and gave them my information. They haven't called, but thats ok, because about 2 hours after I went there, Mike Merkley started talking to me on Facebook, and asked if I wanted to work part time at Gallery Row until I left for Europe.

My answer was something like "YES YES YES".

And I confirmed with  him over the phone last night, and I should be on the schedule there sometime next week.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be getting enough hours to quit at Jets...but we'll see.

So there we go, more or less, what's going on with me at the moment. 

I've got this "Meet and Munch" thing for new GSU students tomorrow, so I guess you'll hear about it on Monday. 

Cheers, enjoy yourselves.

Hooray For Friends. Always.

Today is Lars's birthday! Finally!

I got her some mustaches and a shot glass with a french horn on it that says "this blows", or something like that haha.

Every place I went was out of those "Coexist" bumper stickers =/ I will have to return to l5P some time next week and re-cherche. 

My crazy aunt Sue came in yesterday on her way back from Hawaii. She brought me a lei she made herself and some Kona coffee, which is basically the best. So I was happy. 

Had to take this bullshit state required end of course test for Econ yesterday, which is designed so complete dumbasses can pass. So what they gave us 2 hours to do took me only 40 minutes. 

After that, went to l5p to get Lars's pressies, and yep, that's that. 

Hmm. I'm trying to think if I did anything Monday night after I wrote last...I tried to buy the new Silversun Pickups CD, but Best Buy didn't have it...I went to work...Stephanie bought us all Chinese food...so I guess I can't hate her as much now...

I guess that's all. 

That's ridiculous, I don't believe it. 

Umm...

I've been nondepressed though, thats major fantastic. 

List of things to do for Europe: 

1. Buy Oxegen Tickets

2. Buy backpacks 

3. Buy video cameras and accessories

4. Get international student ID's

5. Get clubbing gear (skanky tube dresses and disco rave bikinis from American Apparel)

6. Start figuring out what I'm going to bring in the way of clothes and shoes.

Shit. I have way too many clothes and waaaaay too many shoes. This is an almost impossible task for me. I'm thinking comfy sneakers, trendy sneakers, sandal things, flats (at least 2 pairs, I mean, come on, at least 2!), and comfy heels. 

Trendy  rain boots will be bought upon entrance to the UK. 

Hah, see, I prattled on about shoes! Must always have something to ramble about...

3 more days of class, and 3 days of exams. 

One more week til Death Cab For Cutie Concert.

43 more days til Europe.

Cheers bitches!!!!

ps I find the random use of colors to make things all the more interesting, don't you?

I Salt and Pepper My Mango,

Not really, MIA quote, but I'm drinkin a mango smoothie at the moment...

So yeah. Depression continued through the weekend. I think it's all the extra stress contributing to it, but I've been a raging idiot. Basically all weekend. 

Friday, went Taco Macin' with Cassie, Braves and Red Sox won, got ignored by some other people tried to invite with us. Don't want to talk about it.

Went home, attempted to work my way through a bottle of wine, my 6th grade science teacher starts talkin to me on facebook, kinda weird, even though she was pretty cool. Talk to several other people too, make them feel better about shit, then the person who was ignoring me starts texting me, saying he wants me to come over, or he wants to come over and see me. Confused as hell, naturally this doesn't happen.

Next day, decide to give it a shot: get his number, call, leave a message saying I'm free after 8 if he wants to try hanging out that night. Never hear from him. 

Spend that night finishing my Dostoevsky paper, helping Cassie close the store so she didn't have to work after midnight (her birthday), go back to Regina's with her and watch Grey's Anatomy til 5AM. 

I don't like sleeping on that couch alone. It was unhappy. 

Next day, get up at 9:30, have to be at work at 11, convince myself I'm gonna be happy and normal and everything will work out great.

End up feeling like SHIT, have a cigarette, throw some dough at the wall (thanks Nick), attempt to say "you're acting like I've done something wrong, and its not cool, so if you've got a problem, say something about it, stop walking around, ignoring my presence and not even answering work related questions, and being normal to everyone else but me".

But I haven't been able to express myself to him for the past, what, 2 weeks? So that didn't actually turn out, so now I'm just never going to say anything to him again, and try not to think about what a dipshit I am. Even though that's pretty much all I can think about. He gave me every fucking opportunity to hang out, and I was too worried about not making him feel like shit, or not making myself feel like shit, to actually just say "no, I'm not doing anything after work, did you want to do something?" or just directly asking if he wanted to hang out.

But no. Whenever he said anything, I convinced myself he just wanted to use me for sex, and then an hour later, I felt bad, cause he never actually did anything to make me think that, and I'd try to apologize, while seeming uninterested. Because if I acted interested, I'm supposed to assume he wouldn't be interested anymore, cause that's what all girls are lead to believe.

WTF?

But yeah, once again, I completely fucked up something that actually would have been really nice. I'm such a fucking fail.

But after work, I actually have a fucking fantastic night: went to El Ranchero for Cassie's bday, Paul came, Jordan ended up showing up, they had an adorable/hilarious best friend reunion, and Paul was acting like his old self again. Cassie had a great time and got a ton of great house stuff, and we're still gonna surprise her with more when she actually moves in.

After all that, we got ice cream, hung out some more, and then every one went home or whatever, and Cass and I were still bored, so we call Jordan to see if he wants to have a silly string/water gun fight (Regina got her a huge back of fun things like that), so we go to his house, and it was fucking intense haha.

My  personal highlight was when I jumped from the porch railing to the trampoline, while firing 2 water guns at Tim. Everyone got fairly wet and messy. But it was the perfect ending to a semi-shitty day. 

Now I'm at school on the break (duh), drinkin my mango smoothie, still hating myself a little, and wishing I had just never opened my mouth to try and figure out what was going on. Should have just waited for him to bounce back or whatever. 

But no. This is why I'm going to die alone. And never get laid. 

FUCK MY LIFE.

cheers.

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

...is the T-shirt I'm wearing today.

Well, despite the fact that I woke up intending to make yesterday awesome, I ended up ridiculously home sick (home sickness is always in reference to Gallery Row), and Donald was anti-social as fuck at work, which was probably the clincher in my decided mental state.

And then I had my math test.

Fuuuucccckkk.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. Think I managed a B. We'll see.

Was still feeling fairly shitty after that, and it was only about 7:15, and I didn't feel like I had friends, or at least, I felt like I couldn't talk to my normal friends, so I decide to go visit my friend Cole at work, cause he's always great to talk to about these things, and I hardly ever see him anymore.

But I get there, and the restaurant he works at was insanely busy, so he didn't have time.

I then made the executive decision I should have made to begin with: just go to the Carrolton store (the other Gallery Row).

Got some gas, said no to cigarettes (very proud of myself for that), and enjoyed a beautiful drive through country ass Georgia. 

Ashley, good friend I used to work with at my store, was working, and I met her huge, yet super nice, black friend Alex. Talked for about an hour about her life and her sluttiness (which has grown exponentially in the past 4 months, but she's adorable and I love her).

Got some free, DELICIOUS coffee too, that was major bonus.

On the drive home, there was some amazing lightning in the distance, and I had to make an emergency pit stop at Jets because I had a "massive whiz attack". 

Thank you to Justice for teaching me that phrase.

Then I got all giddy, because I was super happy again, and I told Cassie about my fantastic aversion to depression and whatnot.

Got home, research paper not due til Monday now. Yesssss!

And now I'm at school, chillin. Need to pee again.

**********RIDDLE RACHEL THIS:

Yesterday, I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said "Caution: Unsocialized Homeschoolers On Board".

I really am not sure whether or not it was a joke.

There were also several Jesus-esque stickies too.

Factor this into your calculations and GIVE ME ANSWERS!

Please.

Karina? Random stalkers?

KENT. I'm fucking worried about you. I know I have absolutely no say, but you should have rejected Grant rather than SweetPea. And stop taking cough syrup. That fucking stupid. And middle school. And don't fucking do acid. Jesus, just stick to weed.

48 more days til I leeeeave this country.

Mega-cheers.

Back to Normal and Content!

I promise.

hah, here we go-

Hardly got any sleep last night, but pulled a $67 tuesday night at work, nice, nice...

After dozing on and off til 5:07, flumped over and set my alarm back down to 8, rather than 7.

No Wednesday morning bike ride for me today, sorry legs.

Woke up for real and felt sickly. Decided to skip English to have a 2 hour block to finish my Dostoevsky paper (due on Friday), but spent the first hour conspiring with Garrett on Cassie's birthday pressie.

About 15 minutes out of that hour were spent looking at toasters alone.

Target has a Hello Kitty toaster for only $24.99, that not only has the adorable kitteh on the outside, but actually leaves an un-burnt imprint of her face ON YOUR TOAST.

This technology amazes me just as much as my ipod.

But not as much as that smart "color sensing" make up.

Thats just creepy, alien technology shit right there.

Anyways, decided after an hour of toaster/Ikea hunting and an hour of paper writing, that I should also skip French to spend a final hour finishing the bitch.

So I did, and now I'll just let it stew over night and check it over for the final time tomorrow.

Now I'm at a random coffee shop studying for shit.

I only have 6 more regular days of class left...that has NOT sunk it yet...but once I hit Finals week, it will and I will be THRILLED OFF MY ASS.

So I feel good about

a) finishing paper 

b) just finished studying for Stat test with Steph (alliteration!!!) for tomorrow, and I actually feel decent about it now

c) still minor sick feeling, but over all improvement from this morning

I'm the only one here now, except for the chick working behind the counter and the "owner" (I use quotes cause she does NOT know what she's doing) and from what I can tell, some one who did all the electrical and plumbing for this place.

They are in a heated debate over whether or not they've paid for everything, such as the finishing electrical fees and the water filter (espresso machines need a hardcore water filter).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a segment of Riddle Rachel this I will call: 

OWNING A COFFEE SHOP 101

here are the DON'TS:

1. pick a shitty, hidden location (big fracking DUR)

2. start trying to serve a full breakfast and lunch menu when you first open (high food costs you WON'T recover)

3. use the most expensive syrup/smoothie/machinery brands

4. use the most expensive brands, except for your beans, which you get from a personal roaster in a near by, po-dunky town.

OK, 2, 3, and 4 should all be GIVENS if 1 applies, until you can tell how you'll do.

I mean, this place looks super nice, and they have good customer service, but due to shitty drip coffee/shots, drinks aren't that great, and since they have a pretty sucky location (they're also right next door to a waffle house, which DEF takes away from their breakfast sales), 

I don't see them lasting much longer. I'm surprised they've made it since Christmas.

And apparently now they're having trouble paying bills from when they first opened. 

I feel bad, but come onnnn. 

Oh well, The End, I'll holla on Friday.

Dammit, no one reads this.

Why I Can't Bear to Listen to Prisca...

Its April 19th, which is the one year anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life.

The first Streetlight Manifesto concert Paul took me too.

That was the first day of what would become the greatest summer of my life.

Actually, the greatest time of my life, period. 

It's gone now.

Not all gone, but gone never the less.

Paul's never coming back to us. He's found what he believes to be bigger and better things.

The store is never coming back to us. It's still there, dead and empty, I see it every day- a constant reminder of the love that is used to represent. But it's just the empty shell: the soul's left it. 

I can't bear to listen to Prisca, even though I love her music.

I can't bear to because that CD became the soundtrack to the greatest moments of my life.

And to remember them now brings back so many good feelings, and it hurts me so much, so much because I can never go back. I can NEVER feel those things again.

And if I could, I would go back and do it all over again, just the way it was.

Even if he still never loved me back.

Even if she still lost her job.

Even if I still made some stupid mistakes.

And I can't believe it's almost been a whole year. 

I don't know whether I'm happy or sad that I won't be here hardly at all this summer.

Happy. I have to be happy. Because if I was to stay, I wouldn't be able to understand why things couldn't be the same.

Which is so horribly stupid and human, because I've already said why, and I know why, but its just not fair that it wouldn't be anywhere close to the same.

I will never have a better time in my life.

Being 18 and being able to do what I want, being 21 and being able to drink, getting everything I want and owning my store: never. 

And I can't bear to think about it.

Because each memory is so perfect, I wish I could just close my eyes and go through it all, and never have to go back to living in the real world ever again.

But it's just memories.

One day I'll be old and alone and I'll never remember them ever again.

"And when you close your eyes for the big sleep, I hope you think of me" actually won't happen.

But is that good? That I won't be able to look back, and enjoy and regret that best time of my life? Or is it the worst part of living?

I can't do this. I can't do this.

I don't know what I can do with my life. I know what I want, but I'm so afraid I'll fail. 

I can't have a family in some suburb and do some office job. I can't!

It's not who I'm supposed to be. I will NEVER settle for anything I know isn't me.

I hope one day, I can sit down and write about what happened last summer, my miracle. I don't know what good it would do, but it just seems like the world should know about all the good that was there.

I know this right here is a product of my depression, or at least, inspired by it, but God, I feel like this any and every time I go through these memories, and every time I hear these songs.

All I know, is that I know who I want to see standing there when I get to Heaven.

And if there is a Heaven, they'll be there.

If you want to hear some of the songs I'm talking about, look on myspace, its actually very good music.

Fuck. I Am Just Ridiculously Confused

Well, first things first: Lily was FANTASTIC.

She was skanky-ghetto-cute, and she had balloons, and bubbles.

Not many of either, but a few balloons bopping around was fun. When I have a show, I will have balloons.

Also, the band that opened for them, Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, was fairly awesome too.

They looked like they were all 16 though, but knowing my shitty age-dar, they were probably like 25. Never the less, I bought a T shirt. 

Kenny randomly showed up! Haha his gay friend from Atlanta Water Gardens was supposed to meet him there, but we couldn't find him. He ended up going out for a coffee with us afterwards, basically we freaked Karina and her little sister out talking about Pickles TheFrog and Marleny and Russian D-bags. 

Highlights of the concert had to be the skanky-ghetto-cuteness, Lil calling out some idiot that was smoking a joint, pulling off smoking about 4 cigarettes in a 15 minute period, while singing, and the awesome picture and short awesome video I took. 

Next day, which was yesterday, I had a 6 hour shift with Donald, who, as previously stated, hasn't really given me much positive feedback. 

But I straight up asked him what was up when I first got there, cause I wasn't going to do the thing where we go through the entire day not talking or whatever.

Le facts: he actually deleted his whole myspace, not my fault. I also sounded like a complete idiot (no, really, I don't think he understood anything of what I was trying to say) when I tried said we're still friends right?, and then went back a couple hours later, trying to express the fact that I didn't mean to completely shut him down with the "friend" comment, because if he wanted to be anything else, it was really entirely up to him, because I'm leaving in 2 months, and also I did promise we'd do something sober. But basically, I'm pretty sure I'm just an idiot.

Jordan stopped by the store though before driving up to Indiana to play a show with Defiance Ohio. I've decided he's my new best friend because he gives me hugs whenever he sees me now, which is quite a step for him.

I use my 11 o'clock break from class usually to update this blog for a bit, and when I first say down today, this random old guy 

came up to me and said, to some affect, even though I can't remember the exact wording:

"Excuse me, I've only seen you twice before, but I would just like to say that you are unique. You have that knock out, hollywood type of beauty, and you shouldn't just give yourself away, and I just figured some one should tell you that."

And I suppose he's right: someone 

should tell everyone that. 

Or you end up like me most of the time- constantly settling, and not always in the same area, just going into something knowing its not actually right, for whatever reason, and then, the only way out is too make the other person feel like shit, whether you want to or not. And I never want to. I'm just an idiot and I need to stop. 

Anyways, goddamn, I wish it was fall so I could feel the air. 

Here are some Lily pictures.

You're Smelling Generic Nowadays...

Man I don't get people.

And I don't get what I do to them either! Fuck! 

OK. 

In all honesty, I know I must be over reacting, to stupid things, because really? There's no way Mar deleted her Twitter just because I asked her if she was OK because she was posting things about sleeping on park benches, hating Japan, and being sick. It's probably because there's some issue going on with her friends over there and she's trying to get out of it.

There's also no way that Donald unfriended me on myspace just because we hooked up. Because I haven't talked to him since then, I haven't seen him. Something just probably happened, like he deleted it for some random reason, or computer fucked up, or something. 

Even though I know I can't have caused all this, its stilling BOTHERING me.

I mean, Mar's thing is more easily justifiable, but the Donald thing is bothering me quite a bit. I mean. He scheduled me to work with him for 6 hours tomorrow. So we'll talk about SOMETHING. 

This is all so stupid. 

But I'm leaving in less than 2 months now. Only 8 more weeks. Which is 56 days. 

WHICH IS CRAZY!!!

Time is flying by already, we're going to be leaving so fucking soon!

ALSO: Jordan's back! And when he realized he'd missed my birthday, he legitimately freaked out and apologized. I then informed him he is a better friend than Paul.

Who by the way was apparently in town all weekend. And just didn't tell any one. 

I invited him to make-up birthday bash Saturday, no reply. 

Fuck it.

I FOUND MY iPOD YESTERDAY! Yesssssssssssssss.

And Lily Allen tonight! Yesssssssss.

Oh, I went to the bike shop and got air in my tires, so I'm starting to get in shape again. 

So far I suck. I decided to ride home from the shop, because in theory it should be like a 10-15 min bike ride.

Not. I had to walk the last mile and I basically died. I'm surprised I didn't hurl. 

But I woke up at 7 this morning (ridiculous for me) and went for a short ride, then had some tea and toast and watched Kristin Chenoweth on Good Morning America. 

I love her, she's precious, even with her fantastically high pitched, cheery voice.

Well, unfortunately, I'm at school, and I have to go to class, and I'd rather bum around and blog about nonsense some more, but I'm gonna go.

Cheers skank-a-lanks

Why Do Wednesdays Rock So Hard?

It seems like Wednesdays are always great.

For instance, this Wednesday, I'm getting totally psyched for LILY ALLEN!

Which I totally forgot about until like Saturday.

Also, its in Little 5, which means I'll get to go to the record store and buy cheap used CD's, which I've been looking forward to for quite some time.

I'm listening to bits of Lil's new CD at the moment. She's fantastic at lyrics, and the music's always catchy as hell. 

And she's English. 

We should be friends. No, really, gonna try and meet her if possible =)

Speaking of fantastic British things, 

THE DOCTOR WHO EASTER SPECIAL WAS ON YESTERDAY!!!

Now THAT was the best birthday present ever hahaha.

Ooooooh I hope they're filming a special over the summer, I simple CANNOT wait to go to Cardiff!!!!!

At the same time though, only 3 more specials, and David Tennant is gone ='(

Although I haven't seen all the Doctor's over the past few decades, he will always be my Doctor.

If you've never seen that show, you should. 

It's really absolutely everything I've ever wanted in a tv show. 

Anyways, that's all loves,

hmmm, lets find a random picture to be amusing... Ah ha! Video! Of the amazing storm that hit right before my Friday night adventure began. It was absolutely breathtaking in person, but this is cool too. Enjoy, pip pip!

NOT!

Um. 

Wow.

My night did a COMPLETE fucking 180 after that last post.

After hiding in basement from possible tornado,

went to Waffle House with Cass, for what I thought would just be a quick mean and then quiet, lame night at home.

No way.

I have to try and just sum this shit up, cause it was CRAZY.

Waffle House: eat, text some friends from work to come meet us later.

After waiting, we decide to go Wal-Marting.

Go back, sit in Wa Ho parking lot waiting for friends, who eventually say they can't come. 

We're about to just head home when we drive by Taco Mac and see there's still a lot of people.

Go there, Cassie gets a beer, we're watching the Braves game, which was still in the 6th inning at midnight cause of weather, and Justice and Donald show up.

Chill with them til a little after 1, decide we should all crash at Regina's cause Cassie's staying there, and Regina was gonna be out all night and wouldn't care any ways.

First, go back to Wa Ho so THEY can eat, Cassie gets the waitress to bring me a birthday waffle, we chill, then we drive back to Reginas.

Keep in mind, Cass has had 4 beers, Donald about the same, and Justice 2. Justice and I are driving, cause C and D both have DUI records and they would go to jail if they got pulled over. Also, we had a 6 pack in our back seat.

Well.

I get fucking pulled over. 

But the cop was really nice, and we had old school Avril Lavigne on and acted polite and innocent, and he let me off with a warning for "failure to stay in the lines" or something, cause I was texting and I guess drifting a little?

So we were shaking like fucking mad, but soooo fucking relieved. You have no idea.

Meet back up w/ the guys, finally get to Regina's and then proceed to spend the next 4 ish hours looking for cards, then playing card games, then talking about shit, then talking in random accents to fuck with Cassie.

Oh, also some random cat showed up Cassie had never seen before, but it was a nice cat, so we named him Rufus and he stayed with us the whole time.

Except he attacked me when I started dancing to "Whip It".

Ended up having a small snuggle-fest with Donald, for the 4 hours I drifted to sleep on and off.

So yeah. Not sure what's gonna happen with all that. But he's cool, I'm leaving in 2 months anyways, so whatever.

All in all,

WAAAAAY fucking better than I ever could have imagined last night. I officially dub it an adventure.

Holla =)

(no seriously, if you don't, how do I know you're reading shit? And then what's the point?)

Loathsome

The Rachel and Garrett birthday bash got postponed til next week end due to shitty weather.

My ipod's been missing for over a week now. Nooooot happy.

I hate myself for being a hypocrite about the things I want!

Why on earth do I still have the Weather Channel on? The music's nice and relaxing though. 

I'm so fucking bored and unhappy right now I might go get my cartlidge pierced. 

Just might. Mmhmm. 

Fuck. Its 6:17 on a Friday and I'm already in my pajama pants eating jelly beans looking for shit to do on the computer and watching TV.

What I'd like to do is learn "40 oz to Freedom" on the guitar. And "I am Like John Cusak".

Maybe later.

You know whats the worst part about all of this? No one fucking cares if I'm upset about anything, or if I'm hating life a little bit, because everyone I know has way worse problems than me. Clinical Depression is a fucking bitch that way.

On the one bright spot in a stormy, tornado-infested day, Jordan called me to tell me about tour and say hi. Apparently almost everyone's a straight edge vegan. And New Hampshire sucks a little. I knew it (the NH bit, the vegan bit was weird).

Also, Bomb! is coming to ATL right after exams are finished. 

And I have Lily Allen next Wednesday.

And Streetlight's playing at American University (my cousin's school) on the 19. 

FUCK MY LIFE.

Cause now I'm gonna miss them on Warped Tour too, cause I'll be in EU.

If the 19th wasn't a Sunday, you KNOW I would be taking a weekend trip back to DC.

But it's a Sunday, and I shouldn't miss any more class. 

Yep. Thats what's making shit suck right now. Stupid and trivial, right?

Mostly just bored.

And no one cares

new number, same deal

Well, numerically I'm one year older now. Huzzah?

Not much has really changed though, so I'm not terribly thrilled. Now I can just seem slightly more important when people first meet me and pass judgements.

Anyways, can't complain about the actual day itself (the 8th), it was fun, ate good food. 

Basically all I did was go to Lenox with Cassie to buy the sunglasses for Garrett's birthday (all the Gallery Ho's always chip in and do a bad ass birthday present/party). Our original budget was $50-70, buuuuut....we ended up getting him some $99 Ray Ban aviators. 

Which I know he'll fucking love.

Also, we got a free pair, so I have some new glasses too. Not Ray Bans though, Fossil.

And that was pretty much that. 

Paul disappointed everyone, yet again, because he "lost his phone". We were supposed to stop by and have him sign the card and give us money for the glasses, because he can't make it to our party (we're having a combine bday thing for me and G tonight) because he has to go to some formal for his frat. 

Whatever. He doesn't answer messages online anymore either. And he didn't say happy birthday to me on any medium. Which I know isn't really the biggest deal, because it really is just a day in the grand scheme of things, but still: he's one of the people I would have expected a "happy birthday" message from. Especially since we all made it a point to do something really special for his birthday last year.

I wasn't even going to bother, but Cassie made me text him last night to see if he wanted to meet up and sign the card today, since I was supposed to be going to GA Tech to get an international student ID today anyways.

So I just said "hey...i'm gonna be by gsu tomorrow if you want to sign garretts bday card. i know you're probably too busy, but thought i'd ask"

He actually responded by saying "dude def let me know. i wasnt able to call you back in time last time cause i lost my phone for a day"

So whatever. He's fucking alienating us and all his other old friends because of his fucking frat and his fucking sorority girl friend. Not like we didn't see it coming. 

I'm not saying he shouldn't do something that makes him happy, but why can't he do that and still keep us too?

It just sucks though. I don't know how he didn't realize everyone loved who he was last year. He didn't have to go get "40 of the best friends he'll ever have", I mean, wow, what the fuck were we? Thanks man. 

I mean, I know he still cares in a way, he still acts like an overprotective big brother when he's around.

But he's not really around much anymore, and I'm going to get tattoos and I smoke shit sometimes, he can go suck it if he doesn't like it.

Fuck. I hate ranting about Paul. 

We'll still have fun with out him tonight. Which reminds me...I'm supposed to be looking up Hookah bars...

2 MORE MONTHS UNTIL 2 MONTHS IN EUROPE!!!

holla fuckin back yo 

=)

OH MY GOD...

... I am going to be in Europe,

FOR 2 MONTHS!!!!!!!

It's done, it's officially booked!

June 10th-August 5th.

for $733 round trip.

This is too fracking ridiculous for me to grasp right now.

It's going to be amazing.

Of course, it means no J-pan...but I can save that for next summer after I take a years worth of class on it, and it'll probably be more meaningful then.

But the video diary is still most DEFINITELY going to happen.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Needless to say, I had a ridiculously good day yesterday. 

Booked my ticket, had fun at work, partied with some close friends.

I've reached the point where I can't taste the alcohol in beer. 

I mean, I can still taste it, but it just doesn't bother me in the slightest, just tastes like a normal drink. I'd say thats probably not good, but it actually is: I cannot appear to be a lightweight by European standards. 

You know what? No one's alright. No one's ok. Everyone has SOMETHING shitty going on. 

It varies in degrees of shittiness, and it number, but never the less. 

There is no perfect life.  

So we'd all best hope "as good as it gets" get pretty fucking good. 

Ugh, tired, was up til 6, woke up at 11, worked a 7 hour shift, had some bitch yell at me over the phone, had some kind of flirtfest with Donald, I can't break dance, about to eat some pasta.

2 months. 

Wtf.

I think that's all I got right now.

3 more days til my birthday.

66 more days til I can run across the world.

WORD

It never seems to Get Warmer, no matter how far south you go

Just laying here listening to Bomb. 

Its occurred to me, just now, maybe I should try and find some one who loves Streetlight and Bomb and has a good sense of humor that ISNT an asshole. Loving Doctor Who too is clearly too much to hope for.

Cause haven't I basically found 3 consecutive assholes like that? 

Pretty much.

I'd like to just open my eyes and find my self in a movie. Then life would automatically have a point; a solid script.

"I'm really more than just quite a bit bored with myself...

cause I'm getting, too carried away with the bullshit,

of leaving today".

Ooooh but I wish I could leave soon. That's what I need. I've exhausted all the resources in this stupid bubble (Peachtree City). Its turning on me and making me leave.

Besides all that, these next 6 months, half a year, should fly by. I'll be running across the world.

Practically circumnavigating, to be honest, as long as I make it to Japan.

Maybe that'll put some shit in perspective? Show me what to do?

If not I'll just be drunk the whole time, won't I?

This is dismal. Dismality?

Shitfuck. 

The End, Cheers

Happiness is a Fake Boob

I don't even know whats up. 

I guess I'll just give some advice. Take it or leave it.

1. Never go to the Atlanta venue entitled "Thundercoot". Its complete bullshit.

2. You can't actually change people. You can only try to make someone's time a little better.

3. Have more than 2 pieces of advice in your head before you commit to making a list of advice.

I haven't written in a while. Mostly I've been busy trying to spend as much time with Marleny as possible before she goes back to Japan.

I've also managed to hang out with Jordan a little before he leaves to go on tour. 

They both leave this Thursday. I guess its the day to leave.

HERE'S A SUPER POSITIVE NOTE!!!!

I have about $1,540 saved up as of now for Europe, and its steadily increasing. 

Sooo... considering that I've found some truly AMAZING student fares to Europe, I have decided I'm going to pay for all of Europe, if my parents will pay for airfare to Japan.

And my mom has agreed to this. 

I'M GOING TO EUROPE AND JAPAN THIS SUMMER, BITCHEEEEEEES!!!!!

I'm going to gain sooo much weight in Japan! Its gonna be a nonstop eating/karaoke frenzy.

Just so you know, my lack of viewing confederation, I'm going to have some sort of podcast/ video blog/diary/segment thing of all my travels.

There's going to be multiple episodes from:

-Switzerland, France, The UK

-Osaka

-Washington DC

-Boston

-some other US cities Lars and I will visit on our pre-graduation road trip

Also, fake boobs.

Marleny got some fake boobs in Chinatown, and they have been the highlight of the past 2 weeks. If you ever see any for sale, BUY THEM.

It will be worth it. Everyone will love you. 

Here's her with the fake boobs before we tried to freak out the staff at Jets.

Apparently, I am like John Cusak

We Are The Union- "I'm Like John Cusak In The Way That I'm Holding A Boom Box Outside Your Window, Telling You To Fuck Off"

been a while since I thought about you,

I was so young and stupid then,

stuck with my head between my hands, stuck with my head between my hands

but these days everything reminds me,

of the times that I regret

I wish I could forget the past, I wish I could forget

I would never lie to you

I would never lie to you

Its nice to know that you don't feel the same way,

feel the way I do.

I tried to set the record straight,

It was too little and too late

those words you spoke just cut right through

all I ever wanted, was someone to acknowledge me,

but now I know the truth,

that I don't exist to you

since I guess it would kill to call me,

or pretend to even care

I'll drown myself in a new scene, I'll drown myself in a new scene

this is my moving on with out you,

this is the last time I'll be there

I know you never loved me, I know you never loved me

I would never lie to you

I would never lie to you

Its nice to know that you don't feel the same way,

feel the way I do

I tried to set the record straight, 

it was too little and too late,

those words you spoke just cut right through

all I ever wanted, was someone to acknowledge me,

but know I know the truth,

that I don't exist to you

and every time I think about you,

I think about how I am nothing!

and every time I think about you,

I think about how I am nothing!

This is a fantastic song that I've recently discovered. I suggest listening to it.

Its skacore, which is frankly, one of the best ideas EVER.

Definitely describes what I've been feeling for almost the last year.

Man, things are looking up.

I'm not going to worry so much, and I'm not going to care so much about what I'm "supposed to do", and if I want to sail around the world, I'll do it. But mostly, if I want to open a coffee shop, I'm DEFINITELY gonna do it. 

And I don't care what you think =D

go listen to that song, skanks that don't read this.

cheeeeers!

Blehhh...?

My job is seriously reaching a new level of

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

I need a new one. Really. Really. Badly.

help?

I can't wait to own my own store. 

Can't say that enough.

My birthday's in 17 days.

I need to buy my plane tickets for Europe.

I can hardly move my neck with out it hurting, and for some reason my feet have been cramping really hardcore.

Maybe my body's channeling my stress to my feet now, so my spine doesn't explode.

Why are people such fucking jerks? If you're a jerk, stop it. You're ruining the world. 

You are a detriment to our fucking planet, you should fall into tar pit and get eaten by fossilized piranhas.

Also, if some dipshit's being a jerk to you, don't spread it to other people; have the mindset that by being nicer to others than he was to you, 

you're better then him!!!

Really.

That's all, just tired and a little angry.

The Best Present Japan Could Have Given Me!

Holy Shit.

So Garretts big important thing he had to tell us wednesday night was actually a total cover up so he could surprise us.

He opened his trunk and Marleny jumped out.

BEST SURPRISE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Totally made up for the fact that before hand I had a huge fight with parents, had to find my spare car key, and leave the house before I fucking exploded and launched into a panic attack.

Then I smoked 2 cigarettes and drove around with Jordan and company for a little bit.

Turns out I didn't actually have a reason to worry about G having AIDS or something, so once again, feel extremely guilty about the cigarettes, especially cause Paul was calling and texting me while I was doing something he made me promise never to do with his best friend/nemesis, Jordan. 

But mostly I was just amused at the terrible irony. 

So at the moment, I am excruciatingly bored. 

Lars wanted to skip today, but she's hangin out with other people, and I'm waiting to meet up with Marleny in like 20 minutes.

This morning I walked around a lake, and then sat and watched some weird ducks. I've never seen ducks like them before, but they were highly amusing. They kept diving, but they would stay underwater for like 15 seconds, and then pop up. 

Now I'm in a parking lot mooching off some wifi, but my battery's gonna die soon...

But I had to write something about Mar being home. 

This really has been like the best week ever. Best week in a long time.

It really almost was like the summer again.

We all haven't been together like that in at least 7 months. Crazy.

Hope life's treating you splendidly too.

Cheers

Rachel's Minor Accomplishments

Some things I'm proud of today (in its intended technicolor glory):

1. I got up at 10.

2. I bought a 100% cashmere sweater at Bloomingdale's today for $21. I have waited YEARS to walk out of that store with a simple, yet posh, Medium Brown Bag, and today I did- for much cheaper than I ever could have imagined!

3. I ate reasonably healthy.

4. I got $167 back in my account after returning a dress.

5. I discovered 2 people I know who are also going to Georgia State in the fall.

6. I discovered that there is a diner across from The Rialto that is basically a legit diner: it had matzoh ball soup, latkes, and an excellent reuben on the menu. However, it still is too good to be true, because the chicken noodle soup was more Campbells than Kosher. There is just a certain type of deliciousness that I guess can only be found in a real New York diner. 

7. I survived 2 tedious car rides with my mother.

8. I kept this post short! (yesssss!)

p.s. HAPPY ST. GUINESS DAY!!!

Magic

Tonight, this is what I'm certain of:

I sat relaxed with my hands positioned behind my head in a relatively beat up Toyota Celica, in an apartment complex parking lot, with the smell of old car and fresh rain mixing together, waiting for my friend to come back from his delivery, and I felt genuinely happy.

Not just a fleeting, or standard sort of happy when things aren't so bad so you can't complain, but an honest, real happy where it doesn't matter what the point of the world is: that moment is enough to dwell on and last forever.

It felt like last summer; everything was perfect again, the world was rotating as it should.

Just driving around, or rather, being driven, which NEVER happens to me. I'm always the driver with all my friends, and normally I'm mildly uncomfortable when other people drive, but I just didn't care, sort of...at peace I guess.

Just diving around while he dropped off pizzas, talking about music, and cereal, and shit, I didn't have to worry about anything. 

I guess it mostly reminded me of the first night I drove with Cassie to Carrolton, which really marked the beginning of the best summer of my life.

And I was just happy. Even more so than I've been the past couple days, which is still baffling me, but I'm perfectly ok with it. 

Jordan will definitely be one of those unforgettable people in my life, even though I hope we stay friends and there's no chance of him being forgotten. He's probably on the same level as the Gallery Ho's haha.

Anyways, just couldn't let this feeling pass without writing about it.

I'm almost wondering if its because in my eyes, having that cigarette was hitting rock bottom for me, and now that I've had it, I realize that I will never get any worse, and if thats my worst, I can deal with that: it can only get better, so why not let it just get better? 

Hah, maybe that cigarette was the best thing that ever happened.

Or tonight was just magic.

I like it either way.

holla

I Wore A Pink Shirt Today

And that doesn't happen very often, as I only have 2 pink shirts. 

(Couldn't think of a good title)

So I think yesterday I was supposed to sink into my usual spurt of depression, 

because yesterday I smoked my first cigarette. 

Maybe it's a little ridiculous to put so much importance on something so small, but that was the one thing I have sworn I would never do, since I was probably in kindergarden.

I've come really close, but I've never actually followed through. 

Except yesterday, my boss made me try painting something in our store window, and I kept messing it up, and I was just in that state of mind where it felt like everything I did was a failure, and a disappointment, that I guess something inside of me snapped, and I lost any speck of self respect I'd held on to.

It's as if I felt like I'd been such a disappointment in every other area of my life, maybe I could actually succeed at one thing: being a disappointment.

So I asked Donald for a cigarette and a lighter, and he was literally shocked, because everyone there knows I don't smoke. He actually almost didn't let me, which was almost nice, like he cared.

But never the less, I sat outside, in the rain, taking a second to figure out which end to light, and yeah, smoked the bloody thing. 

I really couldn't deal with myself for the next couple hours, the usual feelings of loneliness, failure, only a little more so.

But the WEIRD thing was, a couple hours later, I was completely cheered up, thanks to Cassie, Donald, Regina, and the other awesome people I work with.

And it wasn't one of those momentary lapses of depression cheer ups, it actually jerked me out of it.

Right after I left work, I went to a play that all my former theatre friends were in, which I thought would make me feel like super shit, cause a year ago I realized I would never be an actor and gave up.

But instead, I was overwhelmed with pride for all of them; people I had reached for the same goals with, achieving where I failed. But I didn't get upset, I was just so happy for them.

And then today, STILL happy.

Lars and I went downtown, got coffee, then drove around trying to find a Whole Foods, and eventually did some food shopping. It was a great day. 2 days in a row. When it should have been 2 days of self-loathing. 

So I'm watching Hitch, and he's saying all this business about how all women really want when they wake up everyday is for someone to come along and sweep them off their feet, and that all guys want to do that, they just don't know how. 

Fuck that, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a guy do that to me or anyone I know.

Listen, alls I'm sayin is this: more guys SHOULD try to do that. Because really, even if you seem kinda weird, if you're actually making an effort, or doing something really sweet, or cute (even though guys tend to hate being cute, suck it up: you are, we enjoy it), or crazy/out there, we will be waaay more inclined to give you a chance, and we will definitely remember you.

Damn, that was a horrendous run-on sentence. 

I'm a mess. But at least I'm happy =D

Turns Out The Pants Have A Limited Flight Pattern

DC was nice, overall. 

But besides shopping in Georgetown, or walking 5 miles around the monuments, I spent several hours lying awake on a couch, staring out the window, listening to my ipod. 

And thinking.

About life.

Which will ALWAYS end up depressing, because, as previously stated somewhere, there really is no true meaning to our existence. We're just here, and we, and we alone, decided what's worth living for. 

A train of thought that bothered me the most:

There are so many places I want to see in the world, and I think, some how, I've just assumed in the back of my mind, that I will see the whole world.

For example, there are many states I deem "pointless", such as Arkansas, Wyoming, Minnesota, etc, but when I make jokes about them, I think I've always just figured one day I'd end up going there, and finding out they're not pointless. 

But for some reason, its JUST now sinking in, that I will probably never, ever, see all 50 states. 

I will probably never go to India, or Africa, or the Middle East somewhere.

I've always wanted to go to Portland and Seattle, but what if I don't?

What if, as I live my life basically one day at a time, fly by the seat of my pants, do what I love, open my coffee shop...I don't actually get a chance to go to any of those places?

What if some of the life goals I've created for myself, just get by-passed by all the other things I end up doing?

I mean, I know I'll have fun, opening my store, being spontaneous, but still...I can say for a fact, that I WILL miss out on things.

There WILL be places I never get the chance to visit. 

Hell, I might never get to learn to play drums properly. I've been wanting to be a drummer since I was about 6 years old. It's just never really worked out. I keep thinking "alright, next year, or when I get my own place and can really do my own thing", but what if I'm so busy with my new life, that I NEVER have time? 

Do you get the gist of my problem here? I mean, in reality, since the drums are something I've been wanting to conquer for so long, I think I'll eventually make time for them, 

but there really is so much, so much in our entire planet-full of options, that I will miss out on.

No one can do everything; no one can even think of what everything is (another obnoxious contemplation, like infinity, the universe before life, after life, etc).

Once again, my conclusion: just live. Do it. As much as you can, and as randomly as you can.

FLY BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS (looooove that expression!),

MAKE CRAZY CHOICES

PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE

cause you only get one shot at this life.

Even if you're reincarnated, you're not gonna remember what you did this go around, they're all gonna be completely different. You only get ONE chance, as the person you are right now.

So yeah, make the best of it. Have an amazing enough time that when you look back, you don't really regret all the things you didn't do. 

UGH. Sorry this was such a long one. Got carried away with the inspiration.

cheers