Happiness is a Fake Boob

I don't even know whats up. 

I guess I'll just give some advice. Take it or leave it.

1. Never go to the Atlanta venue entitled "Thundercoot". Its complete bullshit.

2. You can't actually change people. You can only try to make someone's time a little better.

3. Have more than 2 pieces of advice in your head before you commit to making a list of advice.

I haven't written in a while. Mostly I've been busy trying to spend as much time with Marleny as possible before she goes back to Japan.

I've also managed to hang out with Jordan a little before he leaves to go on tour. 

They both leave this Thursday. I guess its the day to leave.

HERE'S A SUPER POSITIVE NOTE!!!!

I have about $1,540 saved up as of now for Europe, and its steadily increasing. 

Sooo... considering that I've found some truly AMAZING student fares to Europe, I have decided I'm going to pay for all of Europe, if my parents will pay for airfare to Japan.

And my mom has agreed to this. 

I'M GOING TO EUROPE AND JAPAN THIS SUMMER, BITCHEEEEEEES!!!!!

I'm going to gain sooo much weight in Japan! Its gonna be a nonstop eating/karaoke frenzy.

Just so you know, my lack of viewing confederation, I'm going to have some sort of podcast/ video blog/diary/segment thing of all my travels.

There's going to be multiple episodes from:

-Switzerland, France, The UK

-Osaka

-Washington DC

-Boston

-some other US cities Lars and I will visit on our pre-graduation road trip

Also, fake boobs.

Marleny got some fake boobs in Chinatown, and they have been the highlight of the past 2 weeks. If you ever see any for sale, BUY THEM.

It will be worth it. Everyone will love you. 

Here's her with the fake boobs before we tried to freak out the staff at Jets.

Apparently, I am like John Cusak

We Are The Union- "I'm Like John Cusak In The Way That I'm Holding A Boom Box Outside Your Window, Telling You To Fuck Off"

been a while since I thought about you,

I was so young and stupid then,

stuck with my head between my hands, stuck with my head between my hands

but these days everything reminds me,

of the times that I regret

I wish I could forget the past, I wish I could forget

I would never lie to you

I would never lie to you

Its nice to know that you don't feel the same way,

feel the way I do.

I tried to set the record straight,

It was too little and too late

those words you spoke just cut right through

all I ever wanted, was someone to acknowledge me,

but now I know the truth,

that I don't exist to you

since I guess it would kill to call me,

or pretend to even care

I'll drown myself in a new scene, I'll drown myself in a new scene

this is my moving on with out you,

this is the last time I'll be there

I know you never loved me, I know you never loved me

I would never lie to you

I would never lie to you

Its nice to know that you don't feel the same way,

feel the way I do

I tried to set the record straight, 

it was too little and too late,

those words you spoke just cut right through

all I ever wanted, was someone to acknowledge me,

but know I know the truth,

that I don't exist to you

and every time I think about you,

I think about how I am nothing!

and every time I think about you,

I think about how I am nothing!

This is a fantastic song that I've recently discovered. I suggest listening to it.

Its skacore, which is frankly, one of the best ideas EVER.

Definitely describes what I've been feeling for almost the last year.

Man, things are looking up.

I'm not going to worry so much, and I'm not going to care so much about what I'm "supposed to do", and if I want to sail around the world, I'll do it. But mostly, if I want to open a coffee shop, I'm DEFINITELY gonna do it. 

And I don't care what you think =D

go listen to that song, skanks that don't read this.

cheeeeers!

Blehhh...?

My job is seriously reaching a new level of

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

I need a new one. Really. Really. Badly.

help?

I can't wait to own my own store. 

Can't say that enough.

My birthday's in 17 days.

I need to buy my plane tickets for Europe.

I can hardly move my neck with out it hurting, and for some reason my feet have been cramping really hardcore.

Maybe my body's channeling my stress to my feet now, so my spine doesn't explode.

Why are people such fucking jerks? If you're a jerk, stop it. You're ruining the world. 

You are a detriment to our fucking planet, you should fall into tar pit and get eaten by fossilized piranhas.

Also, if some dipshit's being a jerk to you, don't spread it to other people; have the mindset that by being nicer to others than he was to you, 

you're better then him!!!

Really.

That's all, just tired and a little angry.

The Best Present Japan Could Have Given Me!

Holy Shit.

So Garretts big important thing he had to tell us wednesday night was actually a total cover up so he could surprise us.

He opened his trunk and Marleny jumped out.

BEST SURPRISE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Totally made up for the fact that before hand I had a huge fight with parents, had to find my spare car key, and leave the house before I fucking exploded and launched into a panic attack.

Then I smoked 2 cigarettes and drove around with Jordan and company for a little bit.

Turns out I didn't actually have a reason to worry about G having AIDS or something, so once again, feel extremely guilty about the cigarettes, especially cause Paul was calling and texting me while I was doing something he made me promise never to do with his best friend/nemesis, Jordan. 

But mostly I was just amused at the terrible irony. 

So at the moment, I am excruciatingly bored. 

Lars wanted to skip today, but she's hangin out with other people, and I'm waiting to meet up with Marleny in like 20 minutes.

This morning I walked around a lake, and then sat and watched some weird ducks. I've never seen ducks like them before, but they were highly amusing. They kept diving, but they would stay underwater for like 15 seconds, and then pop up. 

Now I'm in a parking lot mooching off some wifi, but my battery's gonna die soon...

But I had to write something about Mar being home. 

This really has been like the best week ever. Best week in a long time.

It really almost was like the summer again.

We all haven't been together like that in at least 7 months. Crazy.

Hope life's treating you splendidly too.

Cheers

Rachel's Minor Accomplishments

Some things I'm proud of today (in its intended technicolor glory):

1. I got up at 10.

2. I bought a 100% cashmere sweater at Bloomingdale's today for $21. I have waited YEARS to walk out of that store with a simple, yet posh, Medium Brown Bag, and today I did- for much cheaper than I ever could have imagined!

3. I ate reasonably healthy.

4. I got $167 back in my account after returning a dress.

5. I discovered 2 people I know who are also going to Georgia State in the fall.

6. I discovered that there is a diner across from The Rialto that is basically a legit diner: it had matzoh ball soup, latkes, and an excellent reuben on the menu. However, it still is too good to be true, because the chicken noodle soup was more Campbells than Kosher. There is just a certain type of deliciousness that I guess can only be found in a real New York diner. 

7. I survived 2 tedious car rides with my mother.

8. I kept this post short! (yesssss!)

p.s. HAPPY ST. GUINESS DAY!!!

Magic

Tonight, this is what I'm certain of:

I sat relaxed with my hands positioned behind my head in a relatively beat up Toyota Celica, in an apartment complex parking lot, with the smell of old car and fresh rain mixing together, waiting for my friend to come back from his delivery, and I felt genuinely happy.

Not just a fleeting, or standard sort of happy when things aren't so bad so you can't complain, but an honest, real happy where it doesn't matter what the point of the world is: that moment is enough to dwell on and last forever.

It felt like last summer; everything was perfect again, the world was rotating as it should.

Just driving around, or rather, being driven, which NEVER happens to me. I'm always the driver with all my friends, and normally I'm mildly uncomfortable when other people drive, but I just didn't care, sort of...at peace I guess.

Just diving around while he dropped off pizzas, talking about music, and cereal, and shit, I didn't have to worry about anything. 

I guess it mostly reminded me of the first night I drove with Cassie to Carrolton, which really marked the beginning of the best summer of my life.

And I was just happy. Even more so than I've been the past couple days, which is still baffling me, but I'm perfectly ok with it. 

Jordan will definitely be one of those unforgettable people in my life, even though I hope we stay friends and there's no chance of him being forgotten. He's probably on the same level as the Gallery Ho's haha.

Anyways, just couldn't let this feeling pass without writing about it.

I'm almost wondering if its because in my eyes, having that cigarette was hitting rock bottom for me, and now that I've had it, I realize that I will never get any worse, and if thats my worst, I can deal with that: it can only get better, so why not let it just get better? 

Hah, maybe that cigarette was the best thing that ever happened.

Or tonight was just magic.

I like it either way.

holla

I Wore A Pink Shirt Today

And that doesn't happen very often, as I only have 2 pink shirts. 

(Couldn't think of a good title)

So I think yesterday I was supposed to sink into my usual spurt of depression, 

because yesterday I smoked my first cigarette. 

Maybe it's a little ridiculous to put so much importance on something so small, but that was the one thing I have sworn I would never do, since I was probably in kindergarden.

I've come really close, but I've never actually followed through. 

Except yesterday, my boss made me try painting something in our store window, and I kept messing it up, and I was just in that state of mind where it felt like everything I did was a failure, and a disappointment, that I guess something inside of me snapped, and I lost any speck of self respect I'd held on to.

It's as if I felt like I'd been such a disappointment in every other area of my life, maybe I could actually succeed at one thing: being a disappointment.

So I asked Donald for a cigarette and a lighter, and he was literally shocked, because everyone there knows I don't smoke. He actually almost didn't let me, which was almost nice, like he cared.

But never the less, I sat outside, in the rain, taking a second to figure out which end to light, and yeah, smoked the bloody thing. 

I really couldn't deal with myself for the next couple hours, the usual feelings of loneliness, failure, only a little more so.

But the WEIRD thing was, a couple hours later, I was completely cheered up, thanks to Cassie, Donald, Regina, and the other awesome people I work with.

And it wasn't one of those momentary lapses of depression cheer ups, it actually jerked me out of it.

Right after I left work, I went to a play that all my former theatre friends were in, which I thought would make me feel like super shit, cause a year ago I realized I would never be an actor and gave up.

But instead, I was overwhelmed with pride for all of them; people I had reached for the same goals with, achieving where I failed. But I didn't get upset, I was just so happy for them.

And then today, STILL happy.

Lars and I went downtown, got coffee, then drove around trying to find a Whole Foods, and eventually did some food shopping. It was a great day. 2 days in a row. When it should have been 2 days of self-loathing. 

So I'm watching Hitch, and he's saying all this business about how all women really want when they wake up everyday is for someone to come along and sweep them off their feet, and that all guys want to do that, they just don't know how. 

Fuck that, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a guy do that to me or anyone I know.

Listen, alls I'm sayin is this: more guys SHOULD try to do that. Because really, even if you seem kinda weird, if you're actually making an effort, or doing something really sweet, or cute (even though guys tend to hate being cute, suck it up: you are, we enjoy it), or crazy/out there, we will be waaay more inclined to give you a chance, and we will definitely remember you.

Damn, that was a horrendous run-on sentence. 

I'm a mess. But at least I'm happy =D

Turns Out The Pants Have A Limited Flight Pattern

DC was nice, overall. 

But besides shopping in Georgetown, or walking 5 miles around the monuments, I spent several hours lying awake on a couch, staring out the window, listening to my ipod. 

And thinking.

About life.

Which will ALWAYS end up depressing, because, as previously stated somewhere, there really is no true meaning to our existence. We're just here, and we, and we alone, decided what's worth living for. 

A train of thought that bothered me the most:

There are so many places I want to see in the world, and I think, some how, I've just assumed in the back of my mind, that I will see the whole world.

For example, there are many states I deem "pointless", such as Arkansas, Wyoming, Minnesota, etc, but when I make jokes about them, I think I've always just figured one day I'd end up going there, and finding out they're not pointless. 

But for some reason, its JUST now sinking in, that I will probably never, ever, see all 50 states. 

I will probably never go to India, or Africa, or the Middle East somewhere.

I've always wanted to go to Portland and Seattle, but what if I don't?

What if, as I live my life basically one day at a time, fly by the seat of my pants, do what I love, open my coffee shop...I don't actually get a chance to go to any of those places?

What if some of the life goals I've created for myself, just get by-passed by all the other things I end up doing?

I mean, I know I'll have fun, opening my store, being spontaneous, but still...I can say for a fact, that I WILL miss out on things.

There WILL be places I never get the chance to visit. 

Hell, I might never get to learn to play drums properly. I've been wanting to be a drummer since I was about 6 years old. It's just never really worked out. I keep thinking "alright, next year, or when I get my own place and can really do my own thing", but what if I'm so busy with my new life, that I NEVER have time? 

Do you get the gist of my problem here? I mean, in reality, since the drums are something I've been wanting to conquer for so long, I think I'll eventually make time for them, 

but there really is so much, so much in our entire planet-full of options, that I will miss out on.

No one can do everything; no one can even think of what everything is (another obnoxious contemplation, like infinity, the universe before life, after life, etc).

Once again, my conclusion: just live. Do it. As much as you can, and as randomly as you can.

FLY BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS (looooove that expression!),

MAKE CRAZY CHOICES

PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE

cause you only get one shot at this life.

Even if you're reincarnated, you're not gonna remember what you did this go around, they're all gonna be completely different. You only get ONE chance, as the person you are right now.

So yeah, make the best of it. Have an amazing enough time that when you look back, you don't really regret all the things you didn't do. 

UGH. Sorry this was such a long one. Got carried away with the inspiration.

cheers

Oh man,

Sooooo

I'm in WDC, and even though so far pretty much all I've done is commute on various forms of public transportation, I can tell its going to be fucking awesome. 

There was beer in the fridge, 3 types of pipes sitting out, and I'm trying to forget the raging, downward-spiraling, complicated toilet that is my life right now. And normally I'm not the kind of person who's into all that jazz, but hey, fuck it, I'm on vacation.

To forget about the toilet?

Sure. (By the way that was a really stupid metaphor. I blame the aforementioned beer)

My neck is killing me. I need to go back to the doctor and keep taking my rx anti-inflammatory. 

We're in a fairly ghetto, yet nice, apartment. The people upstairs are a little noisy.

Apparently there are tiny cockroach-esque bugs in the kitchen sometimes.

I'm not really looking forward to them.

Still, I can't really believe I'm here...best stroke of luck ever.

Here, exactly, is Tentlytown, DC, which is right next to American University.

Haven't seen much yet cause its dark. So tomorrow's adventure story will be far more interesting.

G'night

Hi, I'm an Idiot

STUFF THATS UP

1. I love pasta. And it's easy to make. So I make it all the time.

2. According to my actions/ behavior, and my horoscopes, I'm attracted and compatible with self-centered assholes. So I try to become friend with people who will abuse me? What? 

3. I'm currently in the zzzooonnnee...of musical creativity. Its a good place to be.

4. That picture is me with a very large version of the most adorable piece of tofu in the world. Its Japanese. Marleny (friend in Japan) wasn't exactly sure what it's called, so I call my mini one Munji-chan (small Munji) and that giant one Munji-obese.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is so curious. 

Things work out so randomly sometimes. 

Like yesterday, we were supposed to see that movie, right? Well, we ended up sitting there for about 30 minute while they tried to get it to work, and then we were like "well, we had our fill of popcorn, and now this is stupid. let's go to Olive Garden. And Dillards."

So that's what we did. 

I could live off soup, salad, and breadsticks forever. Ultimate nummies.

Anyways, Dillards had some Ed Hardy stuff on sale, and I got a great shirt like half off. 

Fuckin stoked about that. I've been wanting to get some Ed Hardy stuff for a loooong time now.

Work rocked, even though I had to close.

I got to do a bit of unofficial managing. I fucking LOVE managing. 

Man, I miss my coffee shop. Anyways.

Work also rocked to do, somehow I made $50 in tips during mid shift, bringing this weekend's tip total to $183. Hell yeah.

Got to leave early, Cassie ended up going to the show with me, which didn't last long, but was cool. 

And yeah. That's all. 

On the drive back we sang some Offspring- "Stuff is Messed up"

except its more like " SHIIIT IS FUUUUUUUCKEEEDDD UUUUP!!!!!"

DC. In 2 days. 

I want a fucking BEER.

holla

Criminal Conversation

Now that is a seriously fantastic term. 

Apparently, is was used the the 1800's as a courtroom metaphor for adultery.

Today, however, I consider it an absolutely perfect name for an album.

Unfortunately, whatever solo nonsense I manage to generate cannot do "Criminal Conversation" justice. 

GODDAMMIT I NEED A BAND.

So far, I'm having a simply marvelous day. Would you like to hear about it? Yes.

For some reason I woke up at 7:20, so I just went with it. I had enough time to make oatmeal, read a short Russian story ("The Lady With The Dog"-Anton Chekhov), and grab a cheese danish and some coffee from a local coffee shop before meeting up with late carpooler extraordinaire, Lars*, at 9:20. 

I was awake for 2 HOURS pending our morning commute. I felt so accomplished, ya know?

I just got done with World Lit II (random class, I know, but excellent), in which we discussed Charles Baudelaire's Paris Spleen. 

Parts of it, anyways. 

More nastiness, like NFTU, and also future contents of my research paper.

Anyways, look it up. It's very amusing.

Anyways, once Lars gets done with her last class, we're having a movie day (or a chance for me to eat popcorn) and seeing He's Just Not That In To You.

Yippee.

Then I have work.

Then tomorrow, I work 11-5, and then I have to truck on up to Atlanta and watch some friends in this battle of the bands thing, which I already bought a $12 ticket for, cause I try to support the arts. And friends. 

Then Sunday, I really need to get my hair done. Normally I'm fine with whatever my hair has decided to do, but my roots are showing hardcore and the colors faded to this weird blonde-ish nonsense.

Then I'm having a guitar lesson with Jordan (which isn't so much a lesson as its me showing him I can successfully play most of "More Than A Feeling") and then packing for DC.

AND THEN MONDAY I'M LEAVING.

On a jet plane.

But I'll be back Thursday. 

But I'll still have my computer.

So none of you care. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen (who's numbers are quickly multiplying (not with each other though)), is what is UP for these next couple days. 

You'll probably hear more about it. 

Fuck! I can't shut myself up.

Ok. 

The end.

*Lars is short for Larissa. I'm not carpooling with a transgender Eurasian man. 

...not that I'm opposed to transgender Eurasian men or anything. Footnotes FTW.

Notes From The Underground

I've spent about 5 minutes figuring out where to start. (Loser)

First of all, Kents alive. And yes, it is necessary to say that. And I'm really glad he is.

On another cheerful foot, 4 days until my trip to DC. (oooooooh excitement)

I also managed to do homework, and um. Fuck, forgot what else I put in my to do list that I actually managed to do...

But over all, I feel good, and accomplished. 

The title of this, however (Notes From The Underground), is in reference to a rather depressing Fyodor Dosteovesky novel. I haven't read much of it yet, but its going to be one of 2 works I get the pleasure of being told to pick apart and analyze and argue.

I love papers like that, with good topics. Because then its an excuse to take the time to really pick apart an interesting piece of literature or something. Otherwise, I'd be like "hell no, I'm too busy for that," but if its for a grade, then aight. I'm down.

But yeah, NFTU. Its about a man who decides to be as nasty and pessimistic as possible, and brings down any one who tries to interact with him.

Despite the negativity and mild depression that comes with reading this story, the character intrigues me; he reminds me of one of my friends that acts like him a lot.

He's one of those people I think I'm here to help, and I think I'm supposed to help him not end up like that.

I don't think I've mentioned it before (if I have you can hit me with a stale baguette (inside joke on punishment)), but I'm fairly certain that my purpose in this life is to help others. 

I'm overly empathetic and I always seem to befriend people who end up needing me.

In short, I'm everyones shrink.

The best way I've ever heard it described is in Eragon (bitch you aint no nerd?!)

They used the term "A shield for misfortune". Someone who took other people's problems on themselves and tried to heal them. I feel like that a lot.

AAAAANYWAYS...fucking rambling. My b. 

RIDDLE RACHEL THIS:

Where'd the term "shrink" come from? To describe therapists.

What? Because they shrink you're problems or something? Thats stupid.

Someone answer me though. 

Seriously.

holla.

Things To Do

Here's a cool picture I took.

Now "Things To Do"

1. Make sure Kent is still alive. No. Really.

2. See if I have anything I have to do for class tomorrow.

3. Watch the video of Em's dance competition.

4. Find somewhere to live next year.

5. Read Atlas Shrugged.

6. Learn the solo from "More Than A Feeling".

7. Make a dent in all that Bombay Sapphire I bought.

8. CLEAN.

9. Go back to physical therapy.

10. Buy some new Converse.

11. Not repeat the same shit in each post.

12. Finish my songs.

13. Burn the CD for people I promised I would. 

That's all I really feel like saying. I just felt like saying something.

OH. 3 people will admit to reading this now =) It warms my heart a little bit haha.

Superfast Zombie Buttseckz!!! ...what?

I love my friends a little bit.

The incredibly eye catching title comes from two stereotypes:

1. All guys love talking about zombies. And what they would do if zombies attacked.

2. Everyone who works/worked at Gallery Row loves talking about buttsex.

So, if you're talking about superfast (yes, its one word) zombies with some Gallery Ho's...

Superfast zombie buttseckz.

Besides that, unfortunately I won't make it up to NY for the BTMI! CD release, but I am going to be in DC visiting my cousin for a couple days, which leads me to...

RIDDLE RACHEL THIS:

If something is "bitching", its generally not a good thing.

BUT

If its "bitchin", its fuckin awesome. Ponder it.

ALSO:

Something I've been figuring out for a while now, but am just now really starting to follow-

Stop trying to figure out what life means to humanity:

figure out what life means to you. 

Because, when you really break it down, the only purpose of humanity is to reproduce. 

Why? To keep populating the earth.

Why? No reason. 

God? Sure, someone got bored and created us, but now what?

What? So you're alive. Get busy having fun. 

Money? If you live rich, you'll just die rich, and then thats a waste. 

Degrees? Study your ass off for 8 years so you can get rich not using half of what you learned, and waste your life following stereotypes and pretending to be happy.

No thanks. I'm gonna enjoy life until the world blows up.

Or somethin.

WORD