Dammit...

Even though Catch 22 is a substandard band who can't write an album without a song making a pathetic attempt to bash Kalnoky, I very begrudgingly have to admit that Dinosaur Sounds is a fairly good album.

I still don't like them though.

Working on going to New England for New Years. There's a Bid D show in Boston December 29. Um, how sick would that be? Also, I'd be up there with Lars, and Kelcy (cousin), and seeing as its New England and New Years, there will be a virtual shit ton of parties. And snowboarding. 

I think this needs to happen. Also, I will have an excellent soundtrack for it.

Today was by far better than yesterday, work was good, probably more than good. 

I had fun, I was on top of things, I was sociable and outgoing and happy, and I think I actually cheered Donald up a little bit today. He was still being quiet, sulky, reclusive Donald, so I drew a smiley face on his hand and told him that he could look at it and be happy. I'll have to check back with him and see if it worked. 

I'm working a day shift everyday this week, except Tuesday, which I have completely off, and Wednesday, when I'm working a night shift. 

So mad money, plus free nights.

Riddle Rachel This: why is it that I only hear about families being fucked up? No one I know anymore really has a nondysfunctional family. Well, Karina's family is alright as far as I can tell. Other than that, however, everyone has either had a really fucked up family, or is in the process of having it fucked up. And the thing is, I can sit here and say all I want that I refuse to let that happen to me, but the reality is, it's not easily, if at all, preventable. 

The world, when you really delve deeply into it, is really fucked up.

Which is why, I know all I want to do in my lifetime is write/preform music, find my other half, and open a coffee shop, preferably with Cassie, Andy, Marleny, and Paul. Garrett too if he wants. 

Don't mistake me for apathetic, because I'm certainly not; I just want to be able to enjoy my time, and not get hung up on fucked up people, or families, or situations. 

Except I keep falling for people like, with their fucked up situations to boot.

Well there's enough "fucks" in this to rate it R.

Sweet.

Goddammit no one reads this...

Nothing Better To Do

Well, first of all, to make a correction to the monstrosity below: the guy that I said only wants to fuck me doesn't only want to fuck me, I guess its more personal. and that made me somewhat happy, so thought id fix that for him.

Listening to various forms of Tomas Kalnoky also made me happier.

So did being sarcastic and arguementative.

I'm still not frolicking around the basement playing guitar, and I don't have an appetite, but its better then it was an hour ago.

Anyways, I'm scared shitless that I messed up my application or something and i wont get into Georgia State.

Lars got into Tech and is a semi finalist for the presidential scholarship. she's also star student (highest SAT score in our class). I'm extremely proud, but I feel like a failure in comparison. 

Hmm. Guess I'm not helping my mental state here.

"People of my psychological persuasion" I like that phrasing of it much better.

I didn't have anything else to really do, so I wrote I slightly better blog entry. I guess it's ok, seeing as how I didn't write anything for what, 2 or 3 weeks?

cheers. beers. whatever

alone

first and foremost, you have to understand that i don't feel like this every second of my life; sometimes i am the happiest, most optimistic person you could ever hope to meet.

but sometimes, semi-frequently, i feel like this.

i think i am going to die alone. i don't think there is anyone out there that's made for me.

everyone is supposed to have someone, the other half of their soul out there.

i so badly want that someone to be there.

i want to run to them when i feel upset, or angry, or ecstatic about something, and i want to be able to just melt into their arms, and fit perfectly, like no one else could. and we'll say all the right things to each other because we were made for each other, and we'll be high off each other's smell, and the sound of each other's voice, and each others presence. it won't matter where we are, as long as we're together, life has a meaning. 

i spend every christmas decorating my little tree by myself. even when i've had a boyfriend on christmas, something always happens and they can never be there to decorate it with me. so i do it myself, and just pretend that someone's there with me, and that when we're done, we can just lie down on the bed or the couch, and just look at it.

that's all i really ever fucking do anymore: i have like 8 different fantasies about all these different guys playing in my head, and any one of them could work, but in real life it just can't.

there's one thats interested in me alot, and i should think that he's perfect, because he should be for me, but i just cant make myself do it; there's just no chemistry there.

and then theres one that has amazing amounts of chemistry, but doesn't want anything to really do with me unless we're already around each other.

there's one that i will probably always be in love with, for reasons i can't figure out, but he would never in a million years love me back, we're only friends in his eyes. 

there's one who even though we are just friends, occasionally lapses into something more, but it doesn't seem like there's anything stable enough to keep it going from both ends.

there's one that i have some sort of chemistry with, but basically he only wants to fuck me, not actually care about me, and ever though i really just want to have sex period, i shouldn't go for that, because right now i need someone more to be there. 

i'm not only looking for my real other half just yet, if he turns up, that'd be a miracle, but i just want someone. i need someone. i just wish i could find someone that really needed me.

even though i need a lot of help myself, i always have to help someone else. i think i'm supposed to be some sort of "shield for misfortune"- i can take on other people's suffering as if it were my own, i believe in them, i help them through whatever is wrong with them, and i never really get anything back, so when i'm finally drained and feel rejected again, i just leave. 

but there's no point in worrying about the end for now, cause i don't have anyone to begin with.

i'm just sitting alone in my almost fully christmas-decorated basement, wishing there could be someone on this couch with me that loved me. that's all i really want for christmas.