If Anyone DID Read This, They Wouldn't Believe it Anyways

Top Reasons I'm Currently Happy

10. My car turned out to be fine: the O2 sensor just needed to be replaced. Or something. 

9. Athens was lovely.

8. I played the game "cornholes" for the first time and got 2 beanbags in the hole, and my "team" won.

7. I got to hear "I'm Terrorfied" live, so my life is complete on some small level, somewhere.

6. Had a great time hanging out with Mike and company.

5. Got a gigantic hug from Jeff for making them cookies. Plus, he actually liked the them. 

4. Someone else on the fucking planet likes pasta with ketchup. Mike FTW.

3. I now have a place to stay when I go back to Long Island in the fall.

2. Mike is friendly enough with Tomas Kalnoky to have his number, and joked about calling and telling him he's friends with some beautiful girl who's a big fan of his. Um. Maybe this should be upgraded from joke status.

1. Tonight was my last shift at Jets Pizza. I'M FREEEEE from having to pretend to go along with all of their bullshit, from worrying about getting 2 hours worth of money stolen from me from time to time, and free to lose my shit on that pansy ass, native american, pastry chef who tried to fuck up my friends life. 

Top Reasons I'm Unhappy

10. I'm awake at 3:00 again.

9. Neither Jordan nor Chris made it to the show last night, and I was especially looking forward to hanging out with Chris cause I haven't seen him in forever.

8. I got weak hours in Carrollton this week.

7. I leave in about 20 days for Europe, and I still don't have everything together.

6. Due to complications I don't really feel like detailing right now, Simply Brew is going to take considerably more time than we thought to open.

5. I have to spend some time around my old high school next week. A.K.A, graduation rehearsals and graduation.

4. I found out my cousin's Crones disease is getting really, really bad and she has a absess in her intestines somewhere. So naturally I'm worried as hell, and therefore, I'm repressing all this and trying not to think about it, even though I should have called her last night to see how she was doing. 

3. Mike asked/implied marriage several times last night, with at least 30% seriousness. 

2. I don't know how to get it across that I think he's fantastic, but I just feel like we're friends.

1. If I fuck things up and accidently break his heart, then my 2nd favorite band, Bomb The Music Industry, is going to hate me.  

Facts

-I can't wait to see the look on Paul's face when I tell him about all that, since he is entirely out of the loop, and actually would know who I was talking about. 

- I'm a horrible person for not making what's going on with my cousin the number 1 reason I'm unhappy.

- I doubt I'll have time to get to the movies to see all the films I want to see.

- I get to see Craig again tomorrow, while working with Lars to do some trip planning.

- I've neglected to read any of Dorian Gray for the past several days.

- This fact list seems to mostly be turning into things that make me unhappy that I forgot to add to that list.

So the past 2 weeks of my life have been ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous and I guess awesome/weird at the same time, cause I've had a pretty damn good time overall.

Except I still feel like I'm justified in saying Fuck My Life.

But cheers, none the less!

Flip It, Flip It Good

So I went to Best Buy today to get the Canon I wanted for Euromentary and shit, and it was out of stock. So rather than leave empty handed, I checked out those little Flip things, that record 60-120 minutes and just USB right into your computer. I had been planning on getting one anyways, cause itd be useful for multiple camera angles, if we are separated, and if we do something like horse back riding or hang gliding. 

So I got the cheapest one, and it takes 120 minutes of stuff and it's pretty nifty. Got a nice little Swiss Gear bag for it, which is one size up from my digital camera, and found a full on Swiss Gear camera bag, which ill get for the new Canon, once I get my hands on him.

Besides that, I've been getting to know Mike Costa a bit better, which is cool. 

Haven't had much time to read Dorian Gray, I'll probably delve into that a bit this evening,

BECAUSE, I am home early from work,

BECAUSE, on my last delivery, the check engine light came on, and since I had been feeling like my car was driving a bit shakely lately, I got freaked out. Took it back to Jets, Alex checked the oil, and that was find, and everything else appeared fine, so no clue what it is yet.

Dad and I are taking it to the shop first thing in the morning to diagnostic it. 

It HAS to be functioning for tomorrow, because tomorrow is the Athens trip!!! Hangin out with Mike and the rest all night, sleeping over at Jack's brother's house, will be a fuckin BLAST.

It will not be missed for anything. ANYTHING.

So not sure if I'll start an entirely new blog for Euromentary or just stick to this one...nah, probably best to get the new one. Im just going to embed my Youtube videos and then write out some additional info/explanations, and of course the soundtrack. That's gonna be a big part of it to be sure. 

24 more days...I don't even know how to handle that! 

Still need back pack, camera, a billion tapes, need to learn how to edit, need international student ID's, need to count up $, need to get shit straight for school in the fall, need to take care of some doctors appointments, just loads of STUFF.

God, I can't wait for tomorrow =)

peace.

To Leave or Die in Long Island?

That is the question. (And one of my favorite BTMI albums)

Except I don't want to leave- I've already left. It's just been entirely too long since I've been back. 

The last time I was there, the last time I was in Planeview, I was watching my 2nd home for the first 13 years of my life blur by from a car, crammed full of things from my grandparent's house we hadn't sold or thrown in a dumpster earlier that day. 

Everything was empty and gone, and it meant that they were completely gone. 

We didn't clear out and sell the house until about 6 months after my grand ma died, so I had been holding onto the belief that as long as I could go back to the house, they'd still be there in a way.

But suddenly, it was all gone. And I haven't seen it since. 

At least with Gallery Row, even though it was brutal for a while to pass by the skeleton of that store, my newest home, every day, it still helped me realize and gradually except that it was gone. 

But despite everything I've tried in the past 5 years, I haven't been able to go back to New York and find any of the closure that I need.

Which leads me to my unique episodes of depressions (depressisodes?), that are solely based on how I miss that house and that town and especially my grandparents.

So now I'm laying in our house's guest room, which my mom refers to as her "mom's room", even though she died before she ever got to live in it.

Laying on the bed, eating english peas, listening to Stacy Orrico, reflecting.

(I'm not mad, those things all have special meaning to this).

All this repression and occasional resurfacing of pain must be taking years off my life. Or rather adding them. I must be somewhere between 25-30 by now.

I'm not gonna get better, and it's not gonna go away until I deal with it. I need to stand in front of that house-I need to walk down that street-I need to go to the places I used to go with them-feel the grass-smell the air. 

I need to go home.

That was my first real home, where I felt nurtured and like I could do anything.

It set the script for the rest of my life actually: I used to try and direct my cousins in musicals for Thanksgiving, which we'd perform and horribly mangle for the family after dinner every year. Now all I want to do is sing and act and perform. 

Most importantly, they taught me how to make coffee.

So I'd get up every morning before the 2 of them, or whoever else was there, and make coffee. I'd always add some extra beans to be ground-whatever felt right to me, and they would always say "oh, Rachel makes the best coffee".

I think they would be the only members of my family who would be legitimately proud of me for trying to open my own coffee shop.

But I'll never know, will I?

Anyways, had to talk to something about this, and as usual, Chris was less than interested in my mental state, so I gravitated to the blog. The bloooooog. 

Anyways. I'm actually alright, getting it out on virtual paper helps. 

And it will be fixed soon enough. 

Either way, still a good night for a beer. Or some wine? I only have shitty wine. Ah, well. 

Athens in 2 dayzzz. Skankz. 

4 O'clock in the Morning

It occurred to me, as I was driving on the back roads of the boondocks, that I had never before been driving anywhere at 4:00 am. 

Why was I doing so now?

After closing the store, I sat in a wet field behind a church and talked to Craig (friend from Carrollton) about various things, including as brief a summary as possible about the absurdly unbelievable goings-on at Jets. Needless to say, it was good to get that off my chest.

I haven't known Craig very long, but he's one of those people I feel like I've known forever, and it was very comforting. 

Somewhere in our talk, I brought up how I had virtually no self-esteem, and how I used to easily sink into episodes of depression and envision myself failing and giving up to settle down with some man and having kids and having some sort of office job, constantly, secretly hating my life.

He was completely shocked and said "Really? I didn't get that kind of vibe from you at all..."

And then I thought about it, and he was actually right: I don't really act like that anymore, because I don't really think that way anymore.

For a little while now, I've felt different to myself, even looked a bit different, and I wasn't entirely sure what it was. 

But I'm quite confident its because:

A) I've learned that I have to accept that I can't actually change a person-I can only try to make any time they have here a little bit better.

B) I've come to the realization that in reality, the human race was a lucky mistake, but a mistake none the less, so we really have no real point to existing. But because we're lucky enough that we do get to have a life, we have to stop trying to discover what humanity means to the world, but just discover what humanity means to us. 

C) You only get one chance to do any of this, so what the fuck is keeping you from trying anything and everything you want? There still are reasonable boundaries, but stop being afraid or consequences and rejection all the time.

Due to my newly bolstered self-confidence and sense of adventure, I've been able to experience more things, and make new friends, like Craig, and some members of Bomb.

Yep. The show was utterly fantastic. 

In short, I ended up driving Jordan, Matt, Greg, Tim, and Jack, all in my car, to the show. 

Took 2 hours because we accidently did a loop around l5p, then passed the road we were supposed to turn onto with out realizing it.

When we finally got there, there were 3 bands before BTMI, but most of that time was spent talking to Mike, who is their drummer, and who coincidently works in Planeview on Long Island. He was extremely nice, and we're legitimately friends now. I also had a long conversation with John, the bass player, who also played drums for Shinobu when they were in PTC. We were probably the 2 biggest fans of that band in Georgia at that exact moment. (If you haven't gathered by now, you should go listen to them!)

I gave Jeff (THE guy) a $20 donation (they have a donation based record label online), and he thought it was awesome, but he gave me 2 actual CD's for it too, and a couple hugs.

They all like hugs. They are "a very cuddly band," and I believe this. 

Jordan got to play sax with them for one song, and I am so proud/happy for him. He was really drunk and had only been playing for about 2 weeks, but he pulled it together.

We left, telling Jeff and Mike we'd all for sure be going to their show in Athens the following Wednesday, and I'd bake them some cookies. 

All in all, tremendously terrific night. 

Another smidgen of news: next week is officially my last week at Jets, and it feels soooo good. 

Business plans for Simple Brew are still going on, but Cassie's starting to think it will take longer than 3 months to get it open, which I agree on. But unless it costs like $300 to change flights, I'll still be coming home early. There will still be much work to be done. 

And now it's about 5 o'clock in the morning.

But I needed to do this; I've been letting myself fall behind miserable!

Good Night, one and all.

Oh Jeez, Minor Fail...

A thousand apologizes, nonreaders (and Karina)! I have not written in a week!

But that week has been filled with sooooo much happiness and sooooo much unbelievability. 

Wow. Unbelievability is a real word. 

To summarize things: some crazy black girl that only got one cup of ranch dressing instead of 2 with her pizza, and then decided to leave her house while waiting for her 2nd delivery attempt to get there wanted to beat me up at work. Cassie wouldn't let her, Daniel flipped a shit on her, she had a major breakdown in the bathroom and quit, so no more moving into apartment the next day. 

So instead, me her and Andy try to find someone renting out a basement suite or something. Later on, we end up getting my cartlidge piecred, which went fantastic even though I only got one hole instead of 2. No pain, my ears are awesome. 

Then Cassie and I drop Andy off and decide to go get ice cream at Ritas. While sitting there, we look at the last empty space in that block of restaurants, and are drawn to its awesome coffee shop potential. After a call to the owner of the complex that went unbelievably well, we are told to draw up a business plan as soon as possible because he built that space for a coffee shop and he loves Cassie's ideas.

This has been lighting the fire in my soul, and especially Cassie's for the past week. 

She stood up to Daniel and quit, so FINALLY, she's free of Jets, and has enough saved up to live off of until another in between job is found.

Also, my first 2 shifts at Gallery Row were EXCELLENT, as to be expected.

I've made a new friend named Craig. We are going to trade clothes some time next week haha.

We've also given each other lists of music the other needs to check out. We have different core styles, but enough similar taste to make good suggestions for each other. 

For instance, Placebo is growing on me. 

On a totally different foot, today was my last day of school. And I made an A on my Dostoevsky paper. And my high school still is going to make me an honor graduate.

On another, other foot, I walked into work Wednesday, told Donald good morning, and it was going to be a great day. Because I said so. And now we're cool again. 

HAH!

On and asshole ish foot, I have lost respect for Death Cab For Cutie. The show was great, to be certain, but then as we walked back to the car, we were passing the tour buses, and the crew put up a barricade in the sidewalk right in front of us. So Lars and I were in prime position to meet them when they came out. Personally, I was stoked to get a picture with Chris Walla. Even though the had short hair and was not wearing a hat. 

However, 2 hours later, the drummer was the only one who came out to sign stuff, and he hardly did any of that. We got nothin. 

I managed to get a picture of Chris Walla opening the door while holding a suitcase, promising the ever dwindling crowd he would be back out. 

By the time 2 AM rolled around, I was almost convinced my car had been towed from The Varsity parking lot, and we left. 

Whether or not the crazy 14 year old girl and her mother ever got to meet Ben Gibbard, I do not know. 

But I digress. 

Always.

Things are good, and getting better, as far as I can tell. I am absolutely loving reading The Small Business Kit For Dummies, or whatever, and coming up with a business plan uses all my little talents. Creativity for coming up with things like mission statements and marketing, easy math problems, like figuring out what to make prices so we can add sales tax in to make it easier for the customer, while still making a profit and having lower prices than competitors, and interior design: tomorrow I start work on a design concept board, with paint samples and wood samples and floor plans and things, if Garrett will get back to us. 

Horrendous run on sentence there, but you get it.

BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!

And I most certainly will hang out with Jeff Rosenstock. Suck a fat one, Ben Gibbard! 

He is cooler than you anyways. 

I leave in 31 days. One month. Oh my. 

OH! I'll be returning early now, to help open Simply Brew (that'll be this store's name, if I didn't mention that earlier, which I don't think I did), and therefore, I will not miss Jordan's swanky birthday party! 

Its a win win win super win situation all around!

Cheers! Cheers everywhere! 

excellent idea that, its a good night to have a beer!

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thy PANTS, Romeo?

That is my big question for life right now I suppose. 

Pants pants pants.

Thank you, Louise Rennison, for writing the craziest fucking books EVER. I would not know how to be a proper mad British girl without them. 

Other than that, I am most definitely on the schedule to work at Gallery Row this weekend, and I am SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING STOKED about it. 

The Meet & Munch thing was quite a success, even though it should have been a complete crash and burn. A complete, mind-blowingly boring crash and burn.

I am now friends again with my old middle school best friend, Tracy, which is awesome, its like a shitty part of my past I've patched up now.

But still, the best part had to be the fact that Jordan fucking crashed it.

Hahahahahahahaha.

He was the "guest" of a friend of his thats going to GSU. We were both basically there for the free food, which actually was not that great.

They gave us all questionaires with fairly stupid questions, and we had to go around and "mingle" to get people to answer it. 

In other words, we sat there, and people who wanted to be the 1st to finish and "win a prize!" came up to us and told us to sign by something. 

Everything was made hilarious though. Thank God for Jordan having the magical ability to make any and every situation 10x's better. 

Then I went up to the store AGAIN with Andy, and finally got to meet Marie's baby, who we had promised to visit back in January. 

We're kinda pathetic and bad people in that way.

But any who, terrific storm last night, made the power go out, and I was quite happy.

I love it when the power goes out, cause then you have to use candles and everything, and its stormy outside, and I just enjoy it.

Luckily, it came back on time for me to watch some TV before falling asleep. I woke up to a gorgeous, cloudy, rainy morning (my favorite).

Unfortunately, I also woke up with a strange headache and I had a random blurry spot in myleft eye that lasted for at least 3o minutes. It scared me a bit. Its gone now, but my head's still not feeling right. Its kinda like, over tired plus fever, but at the same time it doesn't feel like a fever. Its like an all over ache and tiredness. 

I blame Friday night. 

And the past 6 months of my life.

But anyways, only 38 more days until I leave for Europe...which is like nothing.

It's actually starting to sink in a little bit. It's crazy!!! Excited and nervous and the like.

A bientot, mes petits

Living Alive

It's been a little while since I've said anything, so I'm gonna try to keep it as simple as possible.

The French Skit went great, but there is no recording of it, as of yet.

I have my last day of class on Monday, and then an exam next Thursday and the following Monday.

Yesterday, Friday, was a good day, until about 8 o'clock. Then it got absolutely crazy. 

I don't really want to go into all the details. But it involved picking up furniture/personal belongings off of someone's lawn. And spending the rest of the night alternating between not being able to really feel, and being too worried about having to watch someone go though something horrible all over again. So I came home and drank some feelings and talked to someone about hypothetical situations. 

At least this Friday night, I remembered to get chips for the dip, and I had good beer. 

And I was more worried than overly depressed. 

Slept til 12 today, went to Tasha's play and was incredibly proud of her. 

Although nothing in the past 24 hours went anything like was planned, I managed to enjoy today more than I think I would have otherwise. 

I drove to Carrolton, as it was raining, listened to mellow, thought-provoking , indie music.

Got my coffee, walked around the square, took some pictures, just kinda, thinking- but only slightly. 

Discovered from a phone call that Cassie's job was secure, and was finally able to believe that everything was ok. 

Got a scone and some coffee for her, and drove back.

The sun was about to go down, and everything was freshly rained on. Rain makes everything more beautiful. 

Kept driving, had the window down, listened to Death Cab and Imogen Heap.

I listened to "Transatlaniscism", and realized that in about 40 day's time, I would actually fully understand the meaning of that song. 

It's funny how as time goes by, the same songs start to mean different things.

I brought Cassie her coffee because she was still at the store. I sat outside with her, Daniel, and Regina, having coffee and a cigarette. I love the way they go together, just the smell and everything. 

I feel much better. 

Everything's not perfect, but everything's still ok. I think I gained 3 years after last night though. I look different today, its weird. 

Now I'm watching X-Men 2 on TV. Bitch you ain't no nerd? I love this movie. 

I don't feel compelled to see any of the Terminator movies. 

OH. Forgot to mention, after work on Thursday, I walked by China Cafe and they had a sign in the window saying they were hiring part time servers or cashiers, so I went in and gave them my information. They haven't called, but thats ok, because about 2 hours after I went there, Mike Merkley started talking to me on Facebook, and asked if I wanted to work part time at Gallery Row until I left for Europe.

My answer was something like "YES YES YES".

And I confirmed with  him over the phone last night, and I should be on the schedule there sometime next week.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be getting enough hours to quit at Jets...but we'll see.

So there we go, more or less, what's going on with me at the moment. 

I've got this "Meet and Munch" thing for new GSU students tomorrow, so I guess you'll hear about it on Monday. 

Cheers, enjoy yourselves.