...what?

Well, its just after noon on a Saturday. Clouds are raining their asses off. Lovely.

Its times like these, I reflect, and I realize my life is one giant fucked up fucking fuck wad of weird. I'm fucking grasping at ridiculous, illogical notions to attempt to offer some reason for the past year. I mean, REALLY?! 

No one reads this, but if you do, then you probably either know me, or read enough from past entries (or you could if you really wanted to) about my past year. 

But besides all that, I also thought a lot this morning about my life 9 years ago. 

I honestly think that I think, that going to New York is going to solve, or give clarity to, all my issues from both of these time periods. I've just kind of made it that one point, off in the distance, that was going to make everything that messed me up 6 years ago better, and then through the course of the past year, its ended up possibly being what solves my problems from last August to now. 

But that would honestly be completely ridiculous. I need to stop day dreaming these ridiculous solutions to problems that are from my past and no longer fixable. 

I actually just need a better way to deal with them.

For instance, Watching all of Weeds season 2 while drinking gin and tonic and gin and grapefruit juice until 3 AM, while taking breaks to smoke alone on an empty bench, debating whether or not to see if any of my friends that ever joked about being my booty call would actually want to go through with it (at about 1AM), except I had enough sense NOT to do that, and then mixing a fucking amazing salad and getting it really close to the homemade salads I had in Switz, and then after that cooking an awesome grilled cheese (maybe I should channel my shit into cooking like in Julie & Julia? No? No.) and then after an amazing cliff hanger ending to the season, went to bed.

And now I'm watching it rain, listening to To Leave or Die in Long Island, thinking of how much I would like to do both (leave here, eventually die on LI, which is actually what I decided when I spend hours laying around in Switz coming to terms with my mortality, thats the short version).

I've decided that since the friends/not friends I have in NY are probably not going to really have anything to do with me, along with blowing $330 to stay in a goddamn hotel in fucking Plainview for 3 nights, I'm going to buy a fuck ton of train tickety/tokeny things and just ride around on trains, all over LI and probably Manhattan too, and just write. I wrote my best shit on trains in Switzerland, and the whole time I was looking forward to riding on trains in New York, so I think I'd actually enjoy that.

Yeah, it'll be a lot like this summer: riding on trains, eating good food, feeling alone and thinking/writing shit. Oh, and drinking a lot.

Except I'm hoping John wasn't just saying shit when he agreed we would watch Project Runway together on Thursday night. But if not, I'll have that hotel room (FUCK MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!!)

Okay, its almost 1, I'm going to driving half an hour in the down pour to the northside and go to Japanfest, then back to PTC to drink with Justice or something. 

"and if I had a big emo band, or dropped out of college, I would have never met you, man."

You know, I'm starting to think that might have been a good thing. Ugh.

Cheers loves

Coffee Shop Window Philosophy (as voiced to Chris via Skype)

do you ever feel like you're in several different movies? and sometimes it feels like you're in the right one, maybe just when you're walking down the street, or sitting around with friends? but you have no idea why it feels like the right one, and its so vague it just feels like the opening scenes, and you wish you could just peek ahead a little, at the rest of the script, just to know if you're right, and you actually are going in the right direction. but either way, you know once you get there, it will have gone by unaturally fast, and hopefully it was a good one.

i dunno. im just sitting in the window of a coffee shop watching it rain and watching random people walk by. its almost overwhelming to think that all these people have their own complex thoughts and lives like your own. the advanced state of the human race really is quite incredble. it almost bothers me. how the fuck did we come up with all this? and is the fact that we came up with all this the reason that we're so miserable most of the time? because there are too many choices and too many negative outcomes, and so much that we're terrified most of the time? and there are so many people, but we all still feel alone most of the time.

I have no idea why im feeling so philosophical today.

Probably the weather. i do best under these climate conditions.

 

if it was just 15 degrees colder i could probably split the atom.

Chris: so you're saying you sitting there thinking about those things is good?  im not judging I'm just clarifying.

no, probably not. but i suppose its better than chain smoking and drinking every night and then just laying around thinking about all the things you're worried about in the up coming month, and thats just the up coming month, and wishing you had someone.

Chris: probably, but either way it's all thinking too much

************************************************************

I suppose that was a decent ice breaker to what, like 4 months of no blogging. 

...I should join the mounted police force. I used to want to do that in Central Park. I have no idea why we have a need for them in Atlanta though. All the same, its not fair they get to ride horses all day and I have to walk everywhere.

Anyways, yeah, im probably gonna get back into using this thing. I had a wordpress called running in circles for a while, but that was extra-ordinarily depressing so I'll just use this for normal things? Semi-normal things anyways. 

Cheers, I don't feel like providing background for the past 4 months...just know they sucked a little. Europe on a whole was amazing, but I ended up being more stressed over things back home then I was to begin with. It was not a mental vacation by any means and that was what I needed. I tried to run away and put so much faith in that trip to save me, but in reality, I came back with at least 15 extra pounds, a rash, and I spent all of the $3,000 I had saved up, of which I had intended to come back with $1,000 of. 

So now I commute apx. 50 minutes to Carrollton, still working at Gallery Row, and still getting minimum wage even though I'm a manager and I've been with them over 2 years now. 

I need to finish my resume and find another job. 

But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I leave, who's to stop them from ruining that place too?

Fuck, I said no background information. Motherfuck.

Ok, that's really all for now, as always,

Cheers