Stuff

Its been a couple days.
You don't care, no one really reads this.
Anyway, both job interviews went really well. The bakery was part time and the music store turned out to be full time, starting over minimum wage, but there were almost entirely inflexible about taking days off. I don't understand how and why every single employee has to work every single day (minus their one day off) except holidays. They idea of one of the employees taking a long weekend, obviously not paid, seemed like a total foreign concept, which I think is crap. Really? No one could possibly work those shifts while I'm gone? After you've worked there 1 year you get 1 week paid vacation and after 2 years, 2 weeks, but I'm not waiting that long.
So I went with the bakery and the pizza place. It'll be a more complicated schedule, but at least a more flexible one.
I started at the bakery on Thursday, and it was alright...lots and lots of dish washing. I did get to make a batch of cream cheese frosting though, that was cool, even though I ended up accidently exploding some powdered sugar all over me.
The only shitty part I've come across is that all of her other employees, besides her assistant manager, are in high school or have just graduated from high school, especially the two potential girls I'd be closing with on a regular basis. They both knew it was my first day, and I didn't know anything, and they absolutely, 100% did not train me, or attempt to help me. They wouldn't tell me anything that needed to get done unless I asked them what I could do, and then they would just tell me a random task without showing me how to do it. I ended up washing a ton of dishes I apparently didn't need to do, and they just watched me struggle with stuff without offering to help.
I don't fucking get that. How the fuck does it not connect in your brain "oh, new person, they won't know the way things work around here cause its their first day. I was that person once and I remember what it was like to be trained, so I'll help train them. This would also directly benefit me cause I'm going to be working with them and I don't want to be here an hour and a half after close every night because they don't know what needs to get done."
I mean, come one, even if this was your first job, you still had to be trained in it. And you're a bloody human being, how do you not offer to help someone when you see that they don't know whats going on? Maybe they're robots.
I also finally told my ex that I'm going to New York to see John, and it went well. It was prefaced by at least an hour of sad conversation outside of WonderRoot last night, but it did end on a fairly high note I guess.
It really sucks, because its not that he's that bad, he's just not right enough.
That sounds bad. What I mean is he still has a lot of great things about him, way more good than bad, but the bad things, like making me feel like shit about myself, and never thinking putting my life or career above his would be an option in our relationship, finally made me realize that this probably wouldn't work.
More accurately it made me realize I should stop stunting myself so I could make it work.
I think there is always that chance that he'll grow up a little more, and he knows why I'm leaving and he thinks I'm totally justified, and he says he'd like to change. So maybe one day it could actually work.
It was kinda weird, but when I left, that "listen to your heart" song came on the radio. I don't think I've heard that on the radio in years. And obviously it made me think. But listening to your heart is one of the most important lessons I learned when we first split up last fall- if your heart is telling you something about how you feel, you can't use your head to talk yourself out of it. Cause then you make bad choices that make you and everyone around you very unhappy.
So I really tried to work out what I was feeling, but since this time I actually tried to make things work and figure out what I want and what I need, I really feel like I'm making the right choice to try being with someone else now.
It still hurts me to hurt him, but I know we'll both end up being ok.
It definitely sucks though.
It also sucks that I still haven't heard from the bakery about when they want me to work, so I can't tell the pizza place tonight what I'm able to work next week.
I really don't want to piss either of them off, cause I basically need both of them.
So basically, life is just a little obnoxious right now, but I guess its all good problems to be having so I shouldn't let it bother me that much.
Also I go to New York the day after tomorrow =)

...really?

Today started off kind of interesting.
I got a call from the bakery asking me to come in for an interview tomorrow. Definitely better late than never, and I could totally balance that and a couple shifts at the pizza place.
But then, like an hour later, the music store I applied at (which I'd actually forgot about cause I didn't really think they'd want me) called and asked me to come in for an interview on Wednesday.
As my new lover said "when it rains it pours," which is a little ironic cause it was raining this morning.
So now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, and come Wednesday I may have 3 jobs, but its ok. I'd much rather have the bakery and music store, but I dunno what sort of hours they're looking to fill, and I have a feeling they would overlap.
I think the bakery would be more reliable in the long run, but music store would be good because I'll probably be needing shit for El Scorcho and I'm sure theres an employee discount. I already know I need new strings for my guitar (cheap) and for my cello (not so cheap).
Honestly the most economical option would be to take baker or music store and then keep pizza place, because I could work during the day at one and work pizza at night.
But we'll see.
Money money money.
Thats not REALLY what matters, but I do sort of need it to help me with whats important (music, horses, traveling, moving out of my parents house, my unfounded love of certain designer brands).
I'll probably throw something up tomorrow, or maybe I'll wait until after the music store interview Wednesday morning- tomorrow night my friend Nic is having a "grown up and responsible" housewarming party for the new house he's renting. And apparently "hunch punch" is grown up and responsible. So there might be something worth telling.
Also most of my anthropology friends will be there, and I haven't seen them in a couple weeks, and none of them know about new lover.
Oh, sod it, I don't think anyone I know actually reads this, his name is John. I will be referring to him as John from here on out. And I get to see him in a week from today =)
I finally told my parents about John/New York next week and they weren't bothered at all.
I did have to tell them that he's paying for the whole plane ticket and that he's 27, but whatever. I really only lie to them for their own good. Its necessary. You know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, thats really all for now.
Cheers

"Hey kids, its time to use the F word..."

Fuuuck, Fuuuuuuck, Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Today should have been a fairly happy day, because I officially got a job and worked my first training shift. Its at a little mom and pop pizza place, and for some reason the guy has me working the front counter instead of being a driver, but I'm pretty sure that can be changed. Its not that great, but the people seem cool and moneys money for now.
But of course, it only takes one person and their shitty comments to ruin a good day, especially for me.
I got asked to come in to the pizza place again tomorrow morning, when I was supposed to pick my ex up from the airport, so I sent him a message telling him what happened and asking if he thought we could find another way to get him. I definitely did not say he was shit out of luck and I couldn't do anything for him. My mom, who is the other person thats capable of ruining days with a single comment, and who also does not like my ex, actually did something incredibly sweet and told me if he couldn't find anyone she would get him. He of course flipped out on me for "disregarding a pretty serious commitment to him," so I just told him, in a nutshell, that he should know me well enough to know I tend to put everyone else's well being before my own and I would have said I could go in to work if he couldn't find another ride, and that apparently I couldn't get anything right in his eyes, and I'm basically done with him treating me like this.
People take all of your selfless actions for granted, but if you do something selfish, or more likely, something important for yourself (like getting a job after being unemployed for a year), you are suddenly scum of the earth.
My good, and very wise friend McCabe once told me something like this: if someone makes you feel the lowest of lows, even if they can also make you feel the highest of highs, they aren't worth it. 
He actually told me this when I first started dating my ex almost 3 years ago now, and I just tried to ignore it, but I've finally reached the point in my life where enough people have walked all over me and I'm just done pretending to be nice about it.
This is another reason why I shouldn't be working the front counter at a food establishment.
Btw, if you'd like to understand the title, listen to "Another F.U. Song" by Reel Big Fish.
They make a lot of simple yet perfect songs for moments like these.
Also, there may very well be obnoxious typos in this, don't really feel like thoroughly proof reading.
Cheers

Its Alarming How Charming I Feel...

Hey there.
I am incredibly, incredibly happy.
The floating on air, goofy smile, dancing around and singing showtunes kind of happy.
I think.
I really can't remember the last time I was so infatuated with someone who was actually a good person. I suppose thats what happens when you have a thing for arrogant charm and like a challenge. However, those experiences have also taught me to be wary of the infatuation phase and not get too carried away with myself.
But are you allowed to throw caution out the window if said wonderful person wants to see you bad enough that they offer to split the cost of a plane ticket with you because they know you technically can't afford it, and take you to a Yankees game?
Even if there's a chance you'll get stabbed at said Yankees game, even if you're not wearing the opposing team's t-shirt?
Honestly, he's making it sound more like a Man U game in England than American baseball.
But yes, I am going back to New York in 11 days. Its only really partially sunk in, since we spur of the moment got a ticket last night, and I'm actually kinda stressed out about it.
Cause the thing is, I haven't really told many people about this guy. Which translates to "I haven't told people like my ex who's still trying to be with me and my mom about this guy". Funnily enough, my mom is not the person I'm most stressed out about talking to. Can't remember the last time that happened. But I really don't think she'll care.
I'll have to tell her he's paying for the whole ticket though, or she'll give me shit about "wasting money". She's one of those people who believes that you should pay your credit card balance in full every month (honestly, the only people who believe that are the people who are capable of doing it).
In other news, I went back to the bakery I applied at today to check on my ap and was simply told they were still going through all of them and they'd call when they figured it out. Basically got the same thing at the clothing boutique, but now I also have the impression they don't actually want to hire anyone until the fall.
In other other news, I'm going to Athens tonight with my friend Chris and 1 or 2 of this roommates to see Laura Stevenson and the Cans (which is a fantastic band that you are required to go check out if you've never heard of them before). The good news is that'll be fun, and Chris is driving, so I can drink all I want. The bad news is these people are not moved by the deliciousness that is The Grit (veg restaurant in Athens), and the show doesn't start til 11, so we're not getting in until after they're closed. I'll find some way to console myself.
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Riddle Rachel This:
1) Is there any way to give a cat a haircut without making the cat look ridiculous?
     -actually, I can go ahead and answer this: NO.
2) Whats the point of telling applicants that you keep employment applications on file for 6 months? If people are looking for a job, it usually means that they need a job right away. If you wait several months to call them they'll probably have forgotten they even applied there, already gotten another job, or maybe are still woefully unemployed. I'm starting to worry I'm going to be the latter =(

Daytime TV

Now that my vague backstory is out of the way, I can talk about random shit :)
I'm watching Sex and the City. I think the people who make fun of and criticize this show have just never seen it. Or they could just be bros. It really is more of a female thing.
Anyways, I always feel kind of special watching it, because it was one of my grandma's favorite shows. Its also witty and relevant to everyday life. You know, if you're like me and everyday life does in fact include designer bags. I just have a thing for Coach. Fuck off.
ANYWAYS, as I'm spending the afternoon waiting by my phone for potential employers to call, watching Sex and the City, I became hip to the fact that it is probably totally impossible that Carrie can afford her bitchin Manhattan apartment by writing a weekly newspaper column. But in a silly, unrealistic way, it makes me feel like I can make shit work. I can make money doing something I love and have a bitchin place of my own. And yes, its silly to take such basic inspiration from such a generic fictional character, but thats why we keep making music and books and films and silly sitcoms, because we're a very diverse world and sometimes we need some reassurance that there's someone else out there that we could relate to.
I've never found many people who I can relate to. I do have a few though. I have some very lovely friends that I can relate some aspect of my life to, because my life is pretty eclectic.
I've been trying to avoid talking about this, but its sort of impossible since it pops into my mind every five minutes, but I've met someone. Well, I've known him for a while, but he just recently crossed into the "Potential Mate Zone". Perhaps that should be explained-- my new and improved background in evolutionary biology has given me a new and improved smarty pants vocabulary. You may be able to physically be with someone, but first you have to actually recognize that someone as a potential mate. And once someone crosses into The Not a Potential Mate Zone, aka The Friend Zone, it can be hard to readjust your brain. But I did, and I'm really glad that I did. Well, I think I am. I'm also really scared that I'm just being silly and it won't go anywhere, because to jump back on the whole people-I-can-relate-myself-to track, he may be the most relatable to me guy I've ever kind of been with (yes, that was horrible wording, but I couldn't think of another way to put it). Its kind of since we're not together. Because he doesn't live anywhere near me.
< I feel the need to add a disclaimer real quick and say this is NOT my best friend Mike. He is just my best friend and we are both totally happy like that >
So yes, although I was definitely not looking for someone, I found a very, very nice someone. And I realized that he's the first person I've ever dated and or been with who would not have made fun of me for saying "I just had a giant salad and now I'm reading," but actually said that sentence to me. I mean, thats something so simple, to have compatible eating and reading habits, but I realized that every man prior had not only been different from me, but made fun of me for being different. Not necessarily in a mean way, and not in a way that made me change myself, but it still made me unhappy. I've also never had someone who adopted a new habit or interest for me. And maybe they didn't expect me to adopt theirs, but I still did, and I enjoyed it, but they would still make fun of me and my unique little hobbies, interests or guilty pleasures. And I would really like the chance to get to know this guy more, because aside from all the other great things I'm learning about him, I think he'd actually be accepting of my little quirks in a non condescending way, and I don't think an alternative would even cross his mind.
Why has it been so hard to find someone like that?
Probably because I only recently started appreciating myself.
Too bad the fucking bakery hasn't called to appreciate me yet.
Excuse the mushy sappiness.
Cheers!

I Need To Start Writing Again...

So...yeah.
It is now 2012.
I have graduated from Georgia State University with a Bachelors in Anthropology.
I'm finally 21.
I was in a committed, cohabitational relationship for 2.5 years, which I broke up because I fucked up.
After several miserable months I sort of got him back, only to have him treat me like crap, but still decide that he wants me to move back in, even though we're not any sort of couple. I'm finally realizing that even though I got what I wanted, I don't think thats what he wanted. He doesn't know what he wants, and maybe I don't either.
I now live with my parents again.
I am unemployed and searching for a job.
The two most promising places I've applied (which haven't called me yet) are a bakery and a clothing boutique.
I have also semi-secretly applied to be a retail coordinator between an Asian museum and their museum store. The job is in New York City. (Thats why its semi-secret).
I've wanted to start a band since I was about 5, and every attempt has failed. But I've recently decided that I shouldn't give up, so I've been trying to play guitar again, and one of my best friends, Yumiko, is going to actually play guitar in this alleged band. At the moment its called El Scorcho. Yes, its a Weezer reference, because she's half Japanese and I'm a redhead (except I'm the one that plays the cello, details).
So I guess I do know what I want- make music, make money, get my own place, and possibly move to New York. And fun, lots of fun.

Lets Begin The November Chronicles...GO!

Well, if you (the nonreadership) can recall, next week begins the last week of the month of October, which last year was the last week before my life completely went to shit.

So its almost come full circle.

And I'm not sure why I'm constantly assuming this year will parallel the last, but nevertheless, I've been terrified of the oncoming November.

So lets see where I am now...working at Gallery Row again, except I've recently begun to hate it a little. And the only reason for that is the fact that I have to drive almost an hour to get here, and then work an 8 or 10 hour shift alone. Im still passionate about the work itself, especially my new assistant manager shit and finally being able to justify my power. Even if its still only for minimum wage. Oh yeah, thats another reason I'm fucking tired of this shit-my raise hasn't been showing up in payroll yet.

Besides the job, everything is actually going pretty fucking great, to the point of almost being too good to be true: I've finally figured out exactly what I want to study for the next 2 and a half years of forced higher education: Anthropology. Fuckin excited about it too.

McCabe and I are on absolutely honest and good terms, we've started working on music stuff, Andy and Ryan are happily married, Cassie and Roland are probably soon to be happily married, and for the first time in 5 years, Cassie has a real place to live. A real (and really nice) apartment with a real guy who takes care of her and makes her happy no strings attached.

Marleny, though in shitloads of debt, is still fairly happy, and is probably going to settle down herself in the next few years. Dunno what Garretts up to except for lots of mountain biking, but I think he's good for now. Paul cut his hair and is probably going to become a victim of "Bro Rape" (youtube it) before long, but I think he's content, and thats what matters.

I've been to New York, I've sat in front of that house and cried, and I'm closer to feeling OK with all that again. My relationship with my mom is unrecognizable compared to a year ago. We actually went out and got along perfectly for an entire evening. It was actually fun. She treats me like a real human being now.

I'm dating a guy that is so close to perfect it bothers me. Except he only pays for me if its something cheap, like just coffee. And he makes way more than me, so I don't get it...

Is it bad that when things are going really well, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan again? And I mean, honestly, this is what happened last year about this time, except things are actually way better than they were....so does that mean that whatevers coming is going to be correspondingly worse? Or am I paranoid? Or did everything thats happened in the past year just been necessary to get to this point?

We shall see...

I had one of those moments where I felt like I'm already in the future, like grandparent age, and that whats happening right now is just a flashback into the past.

Of course, thats really what it is, if you want to get freaky and technical: somewhere in the future, we already are looking back and remembering whats happening right now. You know? You care? NO! Ha...

So yeah. I need to keep up with this more like I used to. I'm really going to make more of an effort. Cyber venting fronts are good for me.

Cheers,

...what?

Well, its just after noon on a Saturday. Clouds are raining their asses off. Lovely.

Its times like these, I reflect, and I realize my life is one giant fucked up fucking fuck wad of weird. I'm fucking grasping at ridiculous, illogical notions to attempt to offer some reason for the past year. I mean, REALLY?! 

No one reads this, but if you do, then you probably either know me, or read enough from past entries (or you could if you really wanted to) about my past year. 

But besides all that, I also thought a lot this morning about my life 9 years ago. 

I honestly think that I think, that going to New York is going to solve, or give clarity to, all my issues from both of these time periods. I've just kind of made it that one point, off in the distance, that was going to make everything that messed me up 6 years ago better, and then through the course of the past year, its ended up possibly being what solves my problems from last August to now. 

But that would honestly be completely ridiculous. I need to stop day dreaming these ridiculous solutions to problems that are from my past and no longer fixable. 

I actually just need a better way to deal with them.

For instance, Watching all of Weeds season 2 while drinking gin and tonic and gin and grapefruit juice until 3 AM, while taking breaks to smoke alone on an empty bench, debating whether or not to see if any of my friends that ever joked about being my booty call would actually want to go through with it (at about 1AM), except I had enough sense NOT to do that, and then mixing a fucking amazing salad and getting it really close to the homemade salads I had in Switz, and then after that cooking an awesome grilled cheese (maybe I should channel my shit into cooking like in Julie & Julia? No? No.) and then after an amazing cliff hanger ending to the season, went to bed.

And now I'm watching it rain, listening to To Leave or Die in Long Island, thinking of how much I would like to do both (leave here, eventually die on LI, which is actually what I decided when I spend hours laying around in Switz coming to terms with my mortality, thats the short version).

I've decided that since the friends/not friends I have in NY are probably not going to really have anything to do with me, along with blowing $330 to stay in a goddamn hotel in fucking Plainview for 3 nights, I'm going to buy a fuck ton of train tickety/tokeny things and just ride around on trains, all over LI and probably Manhattan too, and just write. I wrote my best shit on trains in Switzerland, and the whole time I was looking forward to riding on trains in New York, so I think I'd actually enjoy that.

Yeah, it'll be a lot like this summer: riding on trains, eating good food, feeling alone and thinking/writing shit. Oh, and drinking a lot.

Except I'm hoping John wasn't just saying shit when he agreed we would watch Project Runway together on Thursday night. But if not, I'll have that hotel room (FUCK MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!!)

Okay, its almost 1, I'm going to driving half an hour in the down pour to the northside and go to Japanfest, then back to PTC to drink with Justice or something. 

"and if I had a big emo band, or dropped out of college, I would have never met you, man."

You know, I'm starting to think that might have been a good thing. Ugh.

Cheers loves

Coffee Shop Window Philosophy (as voiced to Chris via Skype)

do you ever feel like you're in several different movies? and sometimes it feels like you're in the right one, maybe just when you're walking down the street, or sitting around with friends? but you have no idea why it feels like the right one, and its so vague it just feels like the opening scenes, and you wish you could just peek ahead a little, at the rest of the script, just to know if you're right, and you actually are going in the right direction. but either way, you know once you get there, it will have gone by unaturally fast, and hopefully it was a good one.

i dunno. im just sitting in the window of a coffee shop watching it rain and watching random people walk by. its almost overwhelming to think that all these people have their own complex thoughts and lives like your own. the advanced state of the human race really is quite incredble. it almost bothers me. how the fuck did we come up with all this? and is the fact that we came up with all this the reason that we're so miserable most of the time? because there are too many choices and too many negative outcomes, and so much that we're terrified most of the time? and there are so many people, but we all still feel alone most of the time.

I have no idea why im feeling so philosophical today.

Probably the weather. i do best under these climate conditions.

 

if it was just 15 degrees colder i could probably split the atom.

Chris: so you're saying you sitting there thinking about those things is good?  im not judging I'm just clarifying.

no, probably not. but i suppose its better than chain smoking and drinking every night and then just laying around thinking about all the things you're worried about in the up coming month, and thats just the up coming month, and wishing you had someone.

Chris: probably, but either way it's all thinking too much

************************************************************

I suppose that was a decent ice breaker to what, like 4 months of no blogging. 

...I should join the mounted police force. I used to want to do that in Central Park. I have no idea why we have a need for them in Atlanta though. All the same, its not fair they get to ride horses all day and I have to walk everywhere.

Anyways, yeah, im probably gonna get back into using this thing. I had a wordpress called running in circles for a while, but that was extra-ordinarily depressing so I'll just use this for normal things? Semi-normal things anyways. 

Cheers, I don't feel like providing background for the past 4 months...just know they sucked a little. Europe on a whole was amazing, but I ended up being more stressed over things back home then I was to begin with. It was not a mental vacation by any means and that was what I needed. I tried to run away and put so much faith in that trip to save me, but in reality, I came back with at least 15 extra pounds, a rash, and I spent all of the $3,000 I had saved up, of which I had intended to come back with $1,000 of. 

So now I commute apx. 50 minutes to Carrollton, still working at Gallery Row, and still getting minimum wage even though I'm a manager and I've been with them over 2 years now. 

I need to finish my resume and find another job. 

But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I leave, who's to stop them from ruining that place too?

Fuck, I said no background information. Motherfuck.

Ok, that's really all for now, as always,

Cheers

This Is Me.

"breaking and changing...everything is always falling apart! everything is always falling apart!"

I feel awkward that I listen to and quote Bomb The Music Industry, and now ASOB, a lot. Rarely do I quote or recommend anything else to people anymore, except for Shinobu, Streetlight, or [spunge]. Bands with names starting with S or B are always the best, somehow.

Why I feel awkward I think I discussed in last blog, which was horribly long ago.

But its not because I'm good friends with Mike: its just that Bomb is how I've felt all year, especially now, and I've realized that the majority of ASOB describes the Kate half of the worst 2 weeks of my entire life last November.

Some guy found a kitten in the parking lot of my coffee shop last week, and I immediately said I'd take her and find her a home. 

Long story short, absolutely fell in love with her (her name is Mehphisto, because the song "Down, Down, Down to Mehphisto's Cafe" was playing when he brought her in), and I became her mommy.

Its funny how you can get so attached to something in 3 days, but I ended up giving her to a great home. The night before, I really was not taking it well, and somehow, that happened to be the night Mike actually had time to be online, so we talked for quite a while, and it was really nice-definitely cheered me the fuck up.

Can't wait for New York even more.

Whats fucked up is the fact that I'm going to Europe in 2 days, more like 1 day now, and I'm still more psyched about New York.

Besides the fact that I know it'll be seriously fun, I'll finally be able to get the closure I've needed for the past 3 years. 

Moving on...

So I've managed to have a couple really awesome times thus far into the summer. Don't really feel like going into details now. 

Been actually working a lot on writing some songs to send to Mike, who told me to send him some guitar/vocal tracks through Garage Band, he'd add drums, and we could finalize it on Pro Tools when I get out to LI.

I've written some music I enjoy, and I've finally come up with some lyrics that actually feel real, as in they're expressing what I need them to, so that I can feel better about shit thats been inside of me too long and I haven't been able to really express. Problem is, none of it seems to match up. Which is always my problem. And now I'm leaving in a day and a half, basically, so except for lyrics and possibly putting up with Garage Band nonsense, nothings happening til I get home.

Besides that, went out and had a farewell dinner with Cassie, Andy, and Ryan, since Paul and Garrett bailed last minute (are you surprised? you shouldn't be), came home, gave McCabe his giant goody bag of booze and water to take to Bonnaroo. Am I putting enough n's and r's in there? Eh, fuck it, don't care. 

But yeah. So now I was just laying on my bed, talking to my super drunk and super still distraught over his last girlfriend friend Kenny, listening to the album Album Minus Band, the song "Future 86", and it made me want to write shit out. 

So I'm just laying here, waiting til everyone goes to bed so I can slip out side and take the 24 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon out from under my car where I hid them earlier, so I can put them in the basement til I get home and get a chance to use them. Come Home Party, eh?

I have to wake up by at least 7 tomorrow, because I have orientation at my new school at like 8 or something. 

See? I don't even really know. Id rather just dick around and talk to people online than either make sure all my shit for school's in order, OR FUCKING PACK, or watch the travel DVD I borrowed on France and Belgium, OR FUCKING PACK, or get the most sleep I can get in the next 6 hours, OR FUCKING PACK. 

My mom acting pissed off at me all week for no reason really gets me down whenever I'm home. That and the fact that even though this ridiculous number of guys are interested in me, I can't seem to be attracted to any of them like that very much. 

"got a lot of shit in my head, you know we got to pull together, cause its not gonna stop til we're dead."

I really need someone. I need someone bad. I need a serious partner to go through life with for a while. Not like marriage, just a steady relationship for a while. But clearly I haven't found that person yet. But who knows? Some sexy Scottish guy might sweep me off my feet. Right? Right.

Ok.

No one cares, anymore or ever.

Oh, the Euromentary blog shebang is like wordpress.com/Runningacrosstheworld. Maybe. I'm not really sure how the address goes. But just go to wordpress.com and the name is Runningacrosstheworld. Seemed like it worked. 

Nothing up yet of course, but there will be. 

Since I leave in about one and a half days. 

And I need to FUCKING PACK.

Good night. 

[if there are spelling errors, I could really care less]

If Anyone DID Read This, They Wouldn't Believe it Anyways

Top Reasons I'm Currently Happy

10. My car turned out to be fine: the O2 sensor just needed to be replaced. Or something. 

9. Athens was lovely.

8. I played the game "cornholes" for the first time and got 2 beanbags in the hole, and my "team" won.

7. I got to hear "I'm Terrorfied" live, so my life is complete on some small level, somewhere.

6. Had a great time hanging out with Mike and company.

5. Got a gigantic hug from Jeff for making them cookies. Plus, he actually liked the them. 

4. Someone else on the fucking planet likes pasta with ketchup. Mike FTW.

3. I now have a place to stay when I go back to Long Island in the fall.

2. Mike is friendly enough with Tomas Kalnoky to have his number, and joked about calling and telling him he's friends with some beautiful girl who's a big fan of his. Um. Maybe this should be upgraded from joke status.

1. Tonight was my last shift at Jets Pizza. I'M FREEEEE from having to pretend to go along with all of their bullshit, from worrying about getting 2 hours worth of money stolen from me from time to time, and free to lose my shit on that pansy ass, native american, pastry chef who tried to fuck up my friends life. 

Top Reasons I'm Unhappy

10. I'm awake at 3:00 again.

9. Neither Jordan nor Chris made it to the show last night, and I was especially looking forward to hanging out with Chris cause I haven't seen him in forever.

8. I got weak hours in Carrollton this week.

7. I leave in about 20 days for Europe, and I still don't have everything together.

6. Due to complications I don't really feel like detailing right now, Simply Brew is going to take considerably more time than we thought to open.

5. I have to spend some time around my old high school next week. A.K.A, graduation rehearsals and graduation.

4. I found out my cousin's Crones disease is getting really, really bad and she has a absess in her intestines somewhere. So naturally I'm worried as hell, and therefore, I'm repressing all this and trying not to think about it, even though I should have called her last night to see how she was doing. 

3. Mike asked/implied marriage several times last night, with at least 30% seriousness. 

2. I don't know how to get it across that I think he's fantastic, but I just feel like we're friends.

1. If I fuck things up and accidently break his heart, then my 2nd favorite band, Bomb The Music Industry, is going to hate me.  

Facts

-I can't wait to see the look on Paul's face when I tell him about all that, since he is entirely out of the loop, and actually would know who I was talking about. 

- I'm a horrible person for not making what's going on with my cousin the number 1 reason I'm unhappy.

- I doubt I'll have time to get to the movies to see all the films I want to see.

- I get to see Craig again tomorrow, while working with Lars to do some trip planning.

- I've neglected to read any of Dorian Gray for the past several days.

- This fact list seems to mostly be turning into things that make me unhappy that I forgot to add to that list.

So the past 2 weeks of my life have been ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous and I guess awesome/weird at the same time, cause I've had a pretty damn good time overall.

Except I still feel like I'm justified in saying Fuck My Life.

But cheers, none the less!

Flip It, Flip It Good

So I went to Best Buy today to get the Canon I wanted for Euromentary and shit, and it was out of stock. So rather than leave empty handed, I checked out those little Flip things, that record 60-120 minutes and just USB right into your computer. I had been planning on getting one anyways, cause itd be useful for multiple camera angles, if we are separated, and if we do something like horse back riding or hang gliding. 

So I got the cheapest one, and it takes 120 minutes of stuff and it's pretty nifty. Got a nice little Swiss Gear bag for it, which is one size up from my digital camera, and found a full on Swiss Gear camera bag, which ill get for the new Canon, once I get my hands on him.

Besides that, I've been getting to know Mike Costa a bit better, which is cool. 

Haven't had much time to read Dorian Gray, I'll probably delve into that a bit this evening,

BECAUSE, I am home early from work,

BECAUSE, on my last delivery, the check engine light came on, and since I had been feeling like my car was driving a bit shakely lately, I got freaked out. Took it back to Jets, Alex checked the oil, and that was find, and everything else appeared fine, so no clue what it is yet.

Dad and I are taking it to the shop first thing in the morning to diagnostic it. 

It HAS to be functioning for tomorrow, because tomorrow is the Athens trip!!! Hangin out with Mike and the rest all night, sleeping over at Jack's brother's house, will be a fuckin BLAST.

It will not be missed for anything. ANYTHING.

So not sure if I'll start an entirely new blog for Euromentary or just stick to this one...nah, probably best to get the new one. Im just going to embed my Youtube videos and then write out some additional info/explanations, and of course the soundtrack. That's gonna be a big part of it to be sure. 

24 more days...I don't even know how to handle that! 

Still need back pack, camera, a billion tapes, need to learn how to edit, need international student ID's, need to count up $, need to get shit straight for school in the fall, need to take care of some doctors appointments, just loads of STUFF.

God, I can't wait for tomorrow =)

peace.

To Leave or Die in Long Island?

That is the question. (And one of my favorite BTMI albums)

Except I don't want to leave- I've already left. It's just been entirely too long since I've been back. 

The last time I was there, the last time I was in Planeview, I was watching my 2nd home for the first 13 years of my life blur by from a car, crammed full of things from my grandparent's house we hadn't sold or thrown in a dumpster earlier that day. 

Everything was empty and gone, and it meant that they were completely gone. 

We didn't clear out and sell the house until about 6 months after my grand ma died, so I had been holding onto the belief that as long as I could go back to the house, they'd still be there in a way.

But suddenly, it was all gone. And I haven't seen it since. 

At least with Gallery Row, even though it was brutal for a while to pass by the skeleton of that store, my newest home, every day, it still helped me realize and gradually except that it was gone. 

But despite everything I've tried in the past 5 years, I haven't been able to go back to New York and find any of the closure that I need.

Which leads me to my unique episodes of depressions (depressisodes?), that are solely based on how I miss that house and that town and especially my grandparents.

So now I'm laying in our house's guest room, which my mom refers to as her "mom's room", even though she died before she ever got to live in it.

Laying on the bed, eating english peas, listening to Stacy Orrico, reflecting.

(I'm not mad, those things all have special meaning to this).

All this repression and occasional resurfacing of pain must be taking years off my life. Or rather adding them. I must be somewhere between 25-30 by now.

I'm not gonna get better, and it's not gonna go away until I deal with it. I need to stand in front of that house-I need to walk down that street-I need to go to the places I used to go with them-feel the grass-smell the air. 

I need to go home.

That was my first real home, where I felt nurtured and like I could do anything.

It set the script for the rest of my life actually: I used to try and direct my cousins in musicals for Thanksgiving, which we'd perform and horribly mangle for the family after dinner every year. Now all I want to do is sing and act and perform. 

Most importantly, they taught me how to make coffee.

So I'd get up every morning before the 2 of them, or whoever else was there, and make coffee. I'd always add some extra beans to be ground-whatever felt right to me, and they would always say "oh, Rachel makes the best coffee".

I think they would be the only members of my family who would be legitimately proud of me for trying to open my own coffee shop.

But I'll never know, will I?

Anyways, had to talk to something about this, and as usual, Chris was less than interested in my mental state, so I gravitated to the blog. The bloooooog. 

Anyways. I'm actually alright, getting it out on virtual paper helps. 

And it will be fixed soon enough. 

Either way, still a good night for a beer. Or some wine? I only have shitty wine. Ah, well. 

Athens in 2 dayzzz. Skankz. 

4 O'clock in the Morning

It occurred to me, as I was driving on the back roads of the boondocks, that I had never before been driving anywhere at 4:00 am. 

Why was I doing so now?

After closing the store, I sat in a wet field behind a church and talked to Craig (friend from Carrollton) about various things, including as brief a summary as possible about the absurdly unbelievable goings-on at Jets. Needless to say, it was good to get that off my chest.

I haven't known Craig very long, but he's one of those people I feel like I've known forever, and it was very comforting. 

Somewhere in our talk, I brought up how I had virtually no self-esteem, and how I used to easily sink into episodes of depression and envision myself failing and giving up to settle down with some man and having kids and having some sort of office job, constantly, secretly hating my life.

He was completely shocked and said "Really? I didn't get that kind of vibe from you at all..."

And then I thought about it, and he was actually right: I don't really act like that anymore, because I don't really think that way anymore.

For a little while now, I've felt different to myself, even looked a bit different, and I wasn't entirely sure what it was. 

But I'm quite confident its because:

A) I've learned that I have to accept that I can't actually change a person-I can only try to make any time they have here a little bit better.

B) I've come to the realization that in reality, the human race was a lucky mistake, but a mistake none the less, so we really have no real point to existing. But because we're lucky enough that we do get to have a life, we have to stop trying to discover what humanity means to the world, but just discover what humanity means to us. 

C) You only get one chance to do any of this, so what the fuck is keeping you from trying anything and everything you want? There still are reasonable boundaries, but stop being afraid or consequences and rejection all the time.

Due to my newly bolstered self-confidence and sense of adventure, I've been able to experience more things, and make new friends, like Craig, and some members of Bomb.

Yep. The show was utterly fantastic. 

In short, I ended up driving Jordan, Matt, Greg, Tim, and Jack, all in my car, to the show. 

Took 2 hours because we accidently did a loop around l5p, then passed the road we were supposed to turn onto with out realizing it.

When we finally got there, there were 3 bands before BTMI, but most of that time was spent talking to Mike, who is their drummer, and who coincidently works in Planeview on Long Island. He was extremely nice, and we're legitimately friends now. I also had a long conversation with John, the bass player, who also played drums for Shinobu when they were in PTC. We were probably the 2 biggest fans of that band in Georgia at that exact moment. (If you haven't gathered by now, you should go listen to them!)

I gave Jeff (THE guy) a $20 donation (they have a donation based record label online), and he thought it was awesome, but he gave me 2 actual CD's for it too, and a couple hugs.

They all like hugs. They are "a very cuddly band," and I believe this. 

Jordan got to play sax with them for one song, and I am so proud/happy for him. He was really drunk and had only been playing for about 2 weeks, but he pulled it together.

We left, telling Jeff and Mike we'd all for sure be going to their show in Athens the following Wednesday, and I'd bake them some cookies. 

All in all, tremendously terrific night. 

Another smidgen of news: next week is officially my last week at Jets, and it feels soooo good. 

Business plans for Simple Brew are still going on, but Cassie's starting to think it will take longer than 3 months to get it open, which I agree on. But unless it costs like $300 to change flights, I'll still be coming home early. There will still be much work to be done. 

And now it's about 5 o'clock in the morning.

But I needed to do this; I've been letting myself fall behind miserable!

Good Night, one and all.

Oh Jeez, Minor Fail...

A thousand apologizes, nonreaders (and Karina)! I have not written in a week!

But that week has been filled with sooooo much happiness and sooooo much unbelievability. 

Wow. Unbelievability is a real word. 

To summarize things: some crazy black girl that only got one cup of ranch dressing instead of 2 with her pizza, and then decided to leave her house while waiting for her 2nd delivery attempt to get there wanted to beat me up at work. Cassie wouldn't let her, Daniel flipped a shit on her, she had a major breakdown in the bathroom and quit, so no more moving into apartment the next day. 

So instead, me her and Andy try to find someone renting out a basement suite or something. Later on, we end up getting my cartlidge piecred, which went fantastic even though I only got one hole instead of 2. No pain, my ears are awesome. 

Then Cassie and I drop Andy off and decide to go get ice cream at Ritas. While sitting there, we look at the last empty space in that block of restaurants, and are drawn to its awesome coffee shop potential. After a call to the owner of the complex that went unbelievably well, we are told to draw up a business plan as soon as possible because he built that space for a coffee shop and he loves Cassie's ideas.

This has been lighting the fire in my soul, and especially Cassie's for the past week. 

She stood up to Daniel and quit, so FINALLY, she's free of Jets, and has enough saved up to live off of until another in between job is found.

Also, my first 2 shifts at Gallery Row were EXCELLENT, as to be expected.

I've made a new friend named Craig. We are going to trade clothes some time next week haha.

We've also given each other lists of music the other needs to check out. We have different core styles, but enough similar taste to make good suggestions for each other. 

For instance, Placebo is growing on me. 

On a totally different foot, today was my last day of school. And I made an A on my Dostoevsky paper. And my high school still is going to make me an honor graduate.

On another, other foot, I walked into work Wednesday, told Donald good morning, and it was going to be a great day. Because I said so. And now we're cool again. 

HAH!

On and asshole ish foot, I have lost respect for Death Cab For Cutie. The show was great, to be certain, but then as we walked back to the car, we were passing the tour buses, and the crew put up a barricade in the sidewalk right in front of us. So Lars and I were in prime position to meet them when they came out. Personally, I was stoked to get a picture with Chris Walla. Even though the had short hair and was not wearing a hat. 

However, 2 hours later, the drummer was the only one who came out to sign stuff, and he hardly did any of that. We got nothin. 

I managed to get a picture of Chris Walla opening the door while holding a suitcase, promising the ever dwindling crowd he would be back out. 

By the time 2 AM rolled around, I was almost convinced my car had been towed from The Varsity parking lot, and we left. 

Whether or not the crazy 14 year old girl and her mother ever got to meet Ben Gibbard, I do not know. 

But I digress. 

Always.

Things are good, and getting better, as far as I can tell. I am absolutely loving reading The Small Business Kit For Dummies, or whatever, and coming up with a business plan uses all my little talents. Creativity for coming up with things like mission statements and marketing, easy math problems, like figuring out what to make prices so we can add sales tax in to make it easier for the customer, while still making a profit and having lower prices than competitors, and interior design: tomorrow I start work on a design concept board, with paint samples and wood samples and floor plans and things, if Garrett will get back to us. 

Horrendous run on sentence there, but you get it.

BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!

And I most certainly will hang out with Jeff Rosenstock. Suck a fat one, Ben Gibbard! 

He is cooler than you anyways. 

I leave in 31 days. One month. Oh my. 

OH! I'll be returning early now, to help open Simply Brew (that'll be this store's name, if I didn't mention that earlier, which I don't think I did), and therefore, I will not miss Jordan's swanky birthday party! 

Its a win win win super win situation all around!

Cheers! Cheers everywhere! 

excellent idea that, its a good night to have a beer!

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thy PANTS, Romeo?

That is my big question for life right now I suppose. 

Pants pants pants.

Thank you, Louise Rennison, for writing the craziest fucking books EVER. I would not know how to be a proper mad British girl without them. 

Other than that, I am most definitely on the schedule to work at Gallery Row this weekend, and I am SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING STOKED about it. 

The Meet & Munch thing was quite a success, even though it should have been a complete crash and burn. A complete, mind-blowingly boring crash and burn.

I am now friends again with my old middle school best friend, Tracy, which is awesome, its like a shitty part of my past I've patched up now.

But still, the best part had to be the fact that Jordan fucking crashed it.

Hahahahahahahaha.

He was the "guest" of a friend of his thats going to GSU. We were both basically there for the free food, which actually was not that great.

They gave us all questionaires with fairly stupid questions, and we had to go around and "mingle" to get people to answer it. 

In other words, we sat there, and people who wanted to be the 1st to finish and "win a prize!" came up to us and told us to sign by something. 

Everything was made hilarious though. Thank God for Jordan having the magical ability to make any and every situation 10x's better. 

Then I went up to the store AGAIN with Andy, and finally got to meet Marie's baby, who we had promised to visit back in January. 

We're kinda pathetic and bad people in that way.

But any who, terrific storm last night, made the power go out, and I was quite happy.

I love it when the power goes out, cause then you have to use candles and everything, and its stormy outside, and I just enjoy it.

Luckily, it came back on time for me to watch some TV before falling asleep. I woke up to a gorgeous, cloudy, rainy morning (my favorite).

Unfortunately, I also woke up with a strange headache and I had a random blurry spot in myleft eye that lasted for at least 3o minutes. It scared me a bit. Its gone now, but my head's still not feeling right. Its kinda like, over tired plus fever, but at the same time it doesn't feel like a fever. Its like an all over ache and tiredness. 

I blame Friday night. 

And the past 6 months of my life.

But anyways, only 38 more days until I leave for Europe...which is like nothing.

It's actually starting to sink in a little bit. It's crazy!!! Excited and nervous and the like.

A bientot, mes petits

Living Alive

It's been a little while since I've said anything, so I'm gonna try to keep it as simple as possible.

The French Skit went great, but there is no recording of it, as of yet.

I have my last day of class on Monday, and then an exam next Thursday and the following Monday.

Yesterday, Friday, was a good day, until about 8 o'clock. Then it got absolutely crazy. 

I don't really want to go into all the details. But it involved picking up furniture/personal belongings off of someone's lawn. And spending the rest of the night alternating between not being able to really feel, and being too worried about having to watch someone go though something horrible all over again. So I came home and drank some feelings and talked to someone about hypothetical situations. 

At least this Friday night, I remembered to get chips for the dip, and I had good beer. 

And I was more worried than overly depressed. 

Slept til 12 today, went to Tasha's play and was incredibly proud of her. 

Although nothing in the past 24 hours went anything like was planned, I managed to enjoy today more than I think I would have otherwise. 

I drove to Carrolton, as it was raining, listened to mellow, thought-provoking , indie music.

Got my coffee, walked around the square, took some pictures, just kinda, thinking- but only slightly. 

Discovered from a phone call that Cassie's job was secure, and was finally able to believe that everything was ok. 

Got a scone and some coffee for her, and drove back.

The sun was about to go down, and everything was freshly rained on. Rain makes everything more beautiful. 

Kept driving, had the window down, listened to Death Cab and Imogen Heap.

I listened to "Transatlaniscism", and realized that in about 40 day's time, I would actually fully understand the meaning of that song. 

It's funny how as time goes by, the same songs start to mean different things.

I brought Cassie her coffee because she was still at the store. I sat outside with her, Daniel, and Regina, having coffee and a cigarette. I love the way they go together, just the smell and everything. 

I feel much better. 

Everything's not perfect, but everything's still ok. I think I gained 3 years after last night though. I look different today, its weird. 

Now I'm watching X-Men 2 on TV. Bitch you ain't no nerd? I love this movie. 

I don't feel compelled to see any of the Terminator movies. 

OH. Forgot to mention, after work on Thursday, I walked by China Cafe and they had a sign in the window saying they were hiring part time servers or cashiers, so I went in and gave them my information. They haven't called, but thats ok, because about 2 hours after I went there, Mike Merkley started talking to me on Facebook, and asked if I wanted to work part time at Gallery Row until I left for Europe.

My answer was something like "YES YES YES".

And I confirmed with  him over the phone last night, and I should be on the schedule there sometime next week.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be getting enough hours to quit at Jets...but we'll see.

So there we go, more or less, what's going on with me at the moment. 

I've got this "Meet and Munch" thing for new GSU students tomorrow, so I guess you'll hear about it on Monday. 

Cheers, enjoy yourselves.

Hooray For Friends. Always.

Today is Lars's birthday! Finally!

I got her some mustaches and a shot glass with a french horn on it that says "this blows", or something like that haha.

Every place I went was out of those "Coexist" bumper stickers =/ I will have to return to l5P some time next week and re-cherche. 

My crazy aunt Sue came in yesterday on her way back from Hawaii. She brought me a lei she made herself and some Kona coffee, which is basically the best. So I was happy. 

Had to take this bullshit state required end of course test for Econ yesterday, which is designed so complete dumbasses can pass. So what they gave us 2 hours to do took me only 40 minutes. 

After that, went to l5p to get Lars's pressies, and yep, that's that. 

Hmm. I'm trying to think if I did anything Monday night after I wrote last...I tried to buy the new Silversun Pickups CD, but Best Buy didn't have it...I went to work...Stephanie bought us all Chinese food...so I guess I can't hate her as much now...

I guess that's all. 

That's ridiculous, I don't believe it. 

Umm...

I've been nondepressed though, thats major fantastic. 

List of things to do for Europe: 

1. Buy Oxegen Tickets

2. Buy backpacks 

3. Buy video cameras and accessories

4. Get international student ID's

5. Get clubbing gear (skanky tube dresses and disco rave bikinis from American Apparel)

6. Start figuring out what I'm going to bring in the way of clothes and shoes.

Shit. I have way too many clothes and waaaaay too many shoes. This is an almost impossible task for me. I'm thinking comfy sneakers, trendy sneakers, sandal things, flats (at least 2 pairs, I mean, come on, at least 2!), and comfy heels. 

Trendy  rain boots will be bought upon entrance to the UK. 

Hah, see, I prattled on about shoes! Must always have something to ramble about...

3 more days of class, and 3 days of exams. 

One more week til Death Cab For Cutie Concert.

43 more days til Europe.

Cheers bitches!!!!

ps I find the random use of colors to make things all the more interesting, don't you?

I Salt and Pepper My Mango,

Not really, MIA quote, but I'm drinkin a mango smoothie at the moment...

So yeah. Depression continued through the weekend. I think it's all the extra stress contributing to it, but I've been a raging idiot. Basically all weekend. 

Friday, went Taco Macin' with Cassie, Braves and Red Sox won, got ignored by some other people tried to invite with us. Don't want to talk about it.

Went home, attempted to work my way through a bottle of wine, my 6th grade science teacher starts talkin to me on facebook, kinda weird, even though she was pretty cool. Talk to several other people too, make them feel better about shit, then the person who was ignoring me starts texting me, saying he wants me to come over, or he wants to come over and see me. Confused as hell, naturally this doesn't happen.

Next day, decide to give it a shot: get his number, call, leave a message saying I'm free after 8 if he wants to try hanging out that night. Never hear from him. 

Spend that night finishing my Dostoevsky paper, helping Cassie close the store so she didn't have to work after midnight (her birthday), go back to Regina's with her and watch Grey's Anatomy til 5AM. 

I don't like sleeping on that couch alone. It was unhappy. 

Next day, get up at 9:30, have to be at work at 11, convince myself I'm gonna be happy and normal and everything will work out great.

End up feeling like SHIT, have a cigarette, throw some dough at the wall (thanks Nick), attempt to say "you're acting like I've done something wrong, and its not cool, so if you've got a problem, say something about it, stop walking around, ignoring my presence and not even answering work related questions, and being normal to everyone else but me".

But I haven't been able to express myself to him for the past, what, 2 weeks? So that didn't actually turn out, so now I'm just never going to say anything to him again, and try not to think about what a dipshit I am. Even though that's pretty much all I can think about. He gave me every fucking opportunity to hang out, and I was too worried about not making him feel like shit, or not making myself feel like shit, to actually just say "no, I'm not doing anything after work, did you want to do something?" or just directly asking if he wanted to hang out.

But no. Whenever he said anything, I convinced myself he just wanted to use me for sex, and then an hour later, I felt bad, cause he never actually did anything to make me think that, and I'd try to apologize, while seeming uninterested. Because if I acted interested, I'm supposed to assume he wouldn't be interested anymore, cause that's what all girls are lead to believe.

WTF?

But yeah, once again, I completely fucked up something that actually would have been really nice. I'm such a fucking fail.

But after work, I actually have a fucking fantastic night: went to El Ranchero for Cassie's bday, Paul came, Jordan ended up showing up, they had an adorable/hilarious best friend reunion, and Paul was acting like his old self again. Cassie had a great time and got a ton of great house stuff, and we're still gonna surprise her with more when she actually moves in.

After all that, we got ice cream, hung out some more, and then every one went home or whatever, and Cass and I were still bored, so we call Jordan to see if he wants to have a silly string/water gun fight (Regina got her a huge back of fun things like that), so we go to his house, and it was fucking intense haha.

My  personal highlight was when I jumped from the porch railing to the trampoline, while firing 2 water guns at Tim. Everyone got fairly wet and messy. But it was the perfect ending to a semi-shitty day. 

Now I'm at school on the break (duh), drinkin my mango smoothie, still hating myself a little, and wishing I had just never opened my mouth to try and figure out what was going on. Should have just waited for him to bounce back or whatever. 

But no. This is why I'm going to die alone. And never get laid. 

FUCK MY LIFE.

cheers.

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

...is the T-shirt I'm wearing today.

Well, despite the fact that I woke up intending to make yesterday awesome, I ended up ridiculously home sick (home sickness is always in reference to Gallery Row), and Donald was anti-social as fuck at work, which was probably the clincher in my decided mental state.

And then I had my math test.

Fuuuucccckkk.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. Think I managed a B. We'll see.

Was still feeling fairly shitty after that, and it was only about 7:15, and I didn't feel like I had friends, or at least, I felt like I couldn't talk to my normal friends, so I decide to go visit my friend Cole at work, cause he's always great to talk to about these things, and I hardly ever see him anymore.

But I get there, and the restaurant he works at was insanely busy, so he didn't have time.

I then made the executive decision I should have made to begin with: just go to the Carrolton store (the other Gallery Row).

Got some gas, said no to cigarettes (very proud of myself for that), and enjoyed a beautiful drive through country ass Georgia. 

Ashley, good friend I used to work with at my store, was working, and I met her huge, yet super nice, black friend Alex. Talked for about an hour about her life and her sluttiness (which has grown exponentially in the past 4 months, but she's adorable and I love her).

Got some free, DELICIOUS coffee too, that was major bonus.

On the drive home, there was some amazing lightning in the distance, and I had to make an emergency pit stop at Jets because I had a "massive whiz attack". 

Thank you to Justice for teaching me that phrase.

Then I got all giddy, because I was super happy again, and I told Cassie about my fantastic aversion to depression and whatnot.

Got home, research paper not due til Monday now. Yesssss!

And now I'm at school, chillin. Need to pee again.

**********RIDDLE RACHEL THIS:

Yesterday, I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said "Caution: Unsocialized Homeschoolers On Board".

I really am not sure whether or not it was a joke.

There were also several Jesus-esque stickies too.

Factor this into your calculations and GIVE ME ANSWERS!

Please.

Karina? Random stalkers?

KENT. I'm fucking worried about you. I know I have absolutely no say, but you should have rejected Grant rather than SweetPea. And stop taking cough syrup. That fucking stupid. And middle school. And don't fucking do acid. Jesus, just stick to weed.

48 more days til I leeeeave this country.

Mega-cheers.