Its times like these, I reflect, and I realize my life is one giant fucked up fucking fuck wad of weird. I'm fucking grasping at ridiculous, illogical notions to attempt to offer some reason for the past year. I mean, REALLY?!
No one reads this, but if you do, then you probably either know me, or read enough from past entries (or you could if you really wanted to) about my past year.
But besides all that, I also thought a lot this morning about my life 9 years ago.
I honestly think that I think, that going to New York is going to solve, or give clarity to, all my issues from both of these time periods. I've just kind of made it that one point, off in the distance, that was going to make everything that messed me up 6 years ago better, and then through the course of the past year, its ended up possibly being what solves my problems from last August to now.
But that would honestly be completely ridiculous. I need to stop day dreaming these ridiculous solutions to problems that are from my past and no longer fixable.
I actually just need a better way to deal with them.
For instance, Watching all of Weeds season 2 while drinking gin and tonic and gin and grapefruit juice until 3 AM, while taking breaks to smoke alone on an empty bench, debating whether or not to see if any of my friends that ever joked about being my booty call would actually want to go through with it (at about 1AM), except I had enough sense NOT to do that, and then mixing a fucking amazing salad and getting it really close to the homemade salads I had in Switz, and then after that cooking an awesome grilled cheese (maybe I should channel my shit into cooking like in Julie & Julia? No? No.) and then after an amazing cliff hanger ending to the season, went to bed.
And now I'm watching it rain, listening to To Leave or Die in Long Island, thinking of how much I would like to do both (leave here, eventually die on LI, which is actually what I decided when I spend hours laying around in Switz coming to terms with my mortality, thats the short version).
I've decided that since the friends/not friends I have in NY are probably not going to really have anything to do with me, along with blowing $330 to stay in a goddamn hotel in fucking Plainview for 3 nights, I'm going to buy a fuck ton of train tickety/tokeny things and just ride around on trains, all over LI and probably Manhattan too, and just write. I wrote my best shit on trains in Switzerland, and the whole time I was looking forward to riding on trains in New York, so I think I'd actually enjoy that.
Yeah, it'll be a lot like this summer: riding on trains, eating good food, feeling alone and thinking/writing shit. Oh, and drinking a lot.
Except I'm hoping John wasn't just saying shit when he agreed we would watch Project Runway together on Thursday night. But if not, I'll have that hotel room (FUCK MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!!)
Okay, its almost 1, I'm going to driving half an hour in the down pour to the northside and go to Japanfest, then back to PTC to drink with Justice or something.
"and if I had a big emo band, or dropped out of college, I would have never met you, man."
You know, I'm starting to think that might have been a good thing. Ugh.
Cheers loves
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