I Salt and Pepper My Mango,

Not really, MIA quote, but I'm drinkin a mango smoothie at the moment...

So yeah. Depression continued through the weekend. I think it's all the extra stress contributing to it, but I've been a raging idiot. Basically all weekend. 

Friday, went Taco Macin' with Cassie, Braves and Red Sox won, got ignored by some other people tried to invite with us. Don't want to talk about it.

Went home, attempted to work my way through a bottle of wine, my 6th grade science teacher starts talkin to me on facebook, kinda weird, even though she was pretty cool. Talk to several other people too, make them feel better about shit, then the person who was ignoring me starts texting me, saying he wants me to come over, or he wants to come over and see me. Confused as hell, naturally this doesn't happen.

Next day, decide to give it a shot: get his number, call, leave a message saying I'm free after 8 if he wants to try hanging out that night. Never hear from him. 

Spend that night finishing my Dostoevsky paper, helping Cassie close the store so she didn't have to work after midnight (her birthday), go back to Regina's with her and watch Grey's Anatomy til 5AM. 

I don't like sleeping on that couch alone. It was unhappy. 

Next day, get up at 9:30, have to be at work at 11, convince myself I'm gonna be happy and normal and everything will work out great.

End up feeling like SHIT, have a cigarette, throw some dough at the wall (thanks Nick), attempt to say "you're acting like I've done something wrong, and its not cool, so if you've got a problem, say something about it, stop walking around, ignoring my presence and not even answering work related questions, and being normal to everyone else but me".

But I haven't been able to express myself to him for the past, what, 2 weeks? So that didn't actually turn out, so now I'm just never going to say anything to him again, and try not to think about what a dipshit I am. Even though that's pretty much all I can think about. He gave me every fucking opportunity to hang out, and I was too worried about not making him feel like shit, or not making myself feel like shit, to actually just say "no, I'm not doing anything after work, did you want to do something?" or just directly asking if he wanted to hang out.

But no. Whenever he said anything, I convinced myself he just wanted to use me for sex, and then an hour later, I felt bad, cause he never actually did anything to make me think that, and I'd try to apologize, while seeming uninterested. Because if I acted interested, I'm supposed to assume he wouldn't be interested anymore, cause that's what all girls are lead to believe.

WTF?

But yeah, once again, I completely fucked up something that actually would have been really nice. I'm such a fucking fail.

But after work, I actually have a fucking fantastic night: went to El Ranchero for Cassie's bday, Paul came, Jordan ended up showing up, they had an adorable/hilarious best friend reunion, and Paul was acting like his old self again. Cassie had a great time and got a ton of great house stuff, and we're still gonna surprise her with more when she actually moves in.

After all that, we got ice cream, hung out some more, and then every one went home or whatever, and Cass and I were still bored, so we call Jordan to see if he wants to have a silly string/water gun fight (Regina got her a huge back of fun things like that), so we go to his house, and it was fucking intense haha.

My  personal highlight was when I jumped from the porch railing to the trampoline, while firing 2 water guns at Tim. Everyone got fairly wet and messy. But it was the perfect ending to a semi-shitty day. 

Now I'm at school on the break (duh), drinkin my mango smoothie, still hating myself a little, and wishing I had just never opened my mouth to try and figure out what was going on. Should have just waited for him to bounce back or whatever. 

But no. This is why I'm going to die alone. And never get laid. 

FUCK MY LIFE.

cheers.