Why I Can't Bear to Listen to Prisca...

Its April 19th, which is the one year anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life.

The first Streetlight Manifesto concert Paul took me too.

That was the first day of what would become the greatest summer of my life.

Actually, the greatest time of my life, period. 

It's gone now.

Not all gone, but gone never the less.

Paul's never coming back to us. He's found what he believes to be bigger and better things.

The store is never coming back to us. It's still there, dead and empty, I see it every day- a constant reminder of the love that is used to represent. But it's just the empty shell: the soul's left it. 

I can't bear to listen to Prisca, even though I love her music.

I can't bear to because that CD became the soundtrack to the greatest moments of my life.

And to remember them now brings back so many good feelings, and it hurts me so much, so much because I can never go back. I can NEVER feel those things again.

And if I could, I would go back and do it all over again, just the way it was.

Even if he still never loved me back.

Even if she still lost her job.

Even if I still made some stupid mistakes.

And I can't believe it's almost been a whole year. 

I don't know whether I'm happy or sad that I won't be here hardly at all this summer.

Happy. I have to be happy. Because if I was to stay, I wouldn't be able to understand why things couldn't be the same.

Which is so horribly stupid and human, because I've already said why, and I know why, but its just not fair that it wouldn't be anywhere close to the same.

I will never have a better time in my life.

Being 18 and being able to do what I want, being 21 and being able to drink, getting everything I want and owning my store: never. 

And I can't bear to think about it.

Because each memory is so perfect, I wish I could just close my eyes and go through it all, and never have to go back to living in the real world ever again.

But it's just memories.

One day I'll be old and alone and I'll never remember them ever again.

"And when you close your eyes for the big sleep, I hope you think of me" actually won't happen.

But is that good? That I won't be able to look back, and enjoy and regret that best time of my life? Or is it the worst part of living?

I can't do this. I can't do this.

I don't know what I can do with my life. I know what I want, but I'm so afraid I'll fail. 

I can't have a family in some suburb and do some office job. I can't!

It's not who I'm supposed to be. I will NEVER settle for anything I know isn't me.

I hope one day, I can sit down and write about what happened last summer, my miracle. I don't know what good it would do, but it just seems like the world should know about all the good that was there.

I know this right here is a product of my depression, or at least, inspired by it, but God, I feel like this any and every time I go through these memories, and every time I hear these songs.

All I know, is that I know who I want to see standing there when I get to Heaven.

And if there is a Heaven, they'll be there.

If you want to hear some of the songs I'm talking about, look on myspace, its actually very good music.