I Wore A Pink Shirt Today

And that doesn't happen very often, as I only have 2 pink shirts. 

(Couldn't think of a good title)

So I think yesterday I was supposed to sink into my usual spurt of depression, 

because yesterday I smoked my first cigarette. 

Maybe it's a little ridiculous to put so much importance on something so small, but that was the one thing I have sworn I would never do, since I was probably in kindergarden.

I've come really close, but I've never actually followed through. 

Except yesterday, my boss made me try painting something in our store window, and I kept messing it up, and I was just in that state of mind where it felt like everything I did was a failure, and a disappointment, that I guess something inside of me snapped, and I lost any speck of self respect I'd held on to.

It's as if I felt like I'd been such a disappointment in every other area of my life, maybe I could actually succeed at one thing: being a disappointment.

So I asked Donald for a cigarette and a lighter, and he was literally shocked, because everyone there knows I don't smoke. He actually almost didn't let me, which was almost nice, like he cared.

But never the less, I sat outside, in the rain, taking a second to figure out which end to light, and yeah, smoked the bloody thing. 

I really couldn't deal with myself for the next couple hours, the usual feelings of loneliness, failure, only a little more so.

But the WEIRD thing was, a couple hours later, I was completely cheered up, thanks to Cassie, Donald, Regina, and the other awesome people I work with.

And it wasn't one of those momentary lapses of depression cheer ups, it actually jerked me out of it.

Right after I left work, I went to a play that all my former theatre friends were in, which I thought would make me feel like super shit, cause a year ago I realized I would never be an actor and gave up.

But instead, I was overwhelmed with pride for all of them; people I had reached for the same goals with, achieving where I failed. But I didn't get upset, I was just so happy for them.

And then today, STILL happy.

Lars and I went downtown, got coffee, then drove around trying to find a Whole Foods, and eventually did some food shopping. It was a great day. 2 days in a row. When it should have been 2 days of self-loathing. 

So I'm watching Hitch, and he's saying all this business about how all women really want when they wake up everyday is for someone to come along and sweep them off their feet, and that all guys want to do that, they just don't know how. 

Fuck that, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a guy do that to me or anyone I know.

Listen, alls I'm sayin is this: more guys SHOULD try to do that. Because really, even if you seem kinda weird, if you're actually making an effort, or doing something really sweet, or cute (even though guys tend to hate being cute, suck it up: you are, we enjoy it), or crazy/out there, we will be waaay more inclined to give you a chance, and we will definitely remember you.

Damn, that was a horrendous run-on sentence. 

I'm a mess. But at least I'm happy =D