"Hey kids, its time to use the F word..."

Fuuuck, Fuuuuuuck, Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Today should have been a fairly happy day, because I officially got a job and worked my first training shift. Its at a little mom and pop pizza place, and for some reason the guy has me working the front counter instead of being a driver, but I'm pretty sure that can be changed. Its not that great, but the people seem cool and moneys money for now.
But of course, it only takes one person and their shitty comments to ruin a good day, especially for me.
I got asked to come in to the pizza place again tomorrow morning, when I was supposed to pick my ex up from the airport, so I sent him a message telling him what happened and asking if he thought we could find another way to get him. I definitely did not say he was shit out of luck and I couldn't do anything for him. My mom, who is the other person thats capable of ruining days with a single comment, and who also does not like my ex, actually did something incredibly sweet and told me if he couldn't find anyone she would get him. He of course flipped out on me for "disregarding a pretty serious commitment to him," so I just told him, in a nutshell, that he should know me well enough to know I tend to put everyone else's well being before my own and I would have said I could go in to work if he couldn't find another ride, and that apparently I couldn't get anything right in his eyes, and I'm basically done with him treating me like this.
People take all of your selfless actions for granted, but if you do something selfish, or more likely, something important for yourself (like getting a job after being unemployed for a year), you are suddenly scum of the earth.
My good, and very wise friend McCabe once told me something like this: if someone makes you feel the lowest of lows, even if they can also make you feel the highest of highs, they aren't worth it. 
He actually told me this when I first started dating my ex almost 3 years ago now, and I just tried to ignore it, but I've finally reached the point in my life where enough people have walked all over me and I'm just done pretending to be nice about it.
This is another reason why I shouldn't be working the front counter at a food establishment.
Btw, if you'd like to understand the title, listen to "Another F.U. Song" by Reel Big Fish.
They make a lot of simple yet perfect songs for moments like these.
Also, there may very well be obnoxious typos in this, don't really feel like thoroughly proof reading.
Cheers

Its Alarming How Charming I Feel...

Hey there.
I am incredibly, incredibly happy.
The floating on air, goofy smile, dancing around and singing showtunes kind of happy.
I think.
I really can't remember the last time I was so infatuated with someone who was actually a good person. I suppose thats what happens when you have a thing for arrogant charm and like a challenge. However, those experiences have also taught me to be wary of the infatuation phase and not get too carried away with myself.
But are you allowed to throw caution out the window if said wonderful person wants to see you bad enough that they offer to split the cost of a plane ticket with you because they know you technically can't afford it, and take you to a Yankees game?
Even if there's a chance you'll get stabbed at said Yankees game, even if you're not wearing the opposing team's t-shirt?
Honestly, he's making it sound more like a Man U game in England than American baseball.
But yes, I am going back to New York in 11 days. Its only really partially sunk in, since we spur of the moment got a ticket last night, and I'm actually kinda stressed out about it.
Cause the thing is, I haven't really told many people about this guy. Which translates to "I haven't told people like my ex who's still trying to be with me and my mom about this guy". Funnily enough, my mom is not the person I'm most stressed out about talking to. Can't remember the last time that happened. But I really don't think she'll care.
I'll have to tell her he's paying for the whole ticket though, or she'll give me shit about "wasting money". She's one of those people who believes that you should pay your credit card balance in full every month (honestly, the only people who believe that are the people who are capable of doing it).
In other news, I went back to the bakery I applied at today to check on my ap and was simply told they were still going through all of them and they'd call when they figured it out. Basically got the same thing at the clothing boutique, but now I also have the impression they don't actually want to hire anyone until the fall.
In other other news, I'm going to Athens tonight with my friend Chris and 1 or 2 of this roommates to see Laura Stevenson and the Cans (which is a fantastic band that you are required to go check out if you've never heard of them before). The good news is that'll be fun, and Chris is driving, so I can drink all I want. The bad news is these people are not moved by the deliciousness that is The Grit (veg restaurant in Athens), and the show doesn't start til 11, so we're not getting in until after they're closed. I'll find some way to console myself.
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Riddle Rachel This:
1) Is there any way to give a cat a haircut without making the cat look ridiculous?
     -actually, I can go ahead and answer this: NO.
2) Whats the point of telling applicants that you keep employment applications on file for 6 months? If people are looking for a job, it usually means that they need a job right away. If you wait several months to call them they'll probably have forgotten they even applied there, already gotten another job, or maybe are still woefully unemployed. I'm starting to worry I'm going to be the latter =(

Daytime TV

Now that my vague backstory is out of the way, I can talk about random shit :)
I'm watching Sex and the City. I think the people who make fun of and criticize this show have just never seen it. Or they could just be bros. It really is more of a female thing.
Anyways, I always feel kind of special watching it, because it was one of my grandma's favorite shows. Its also witty and relevant to everyday life. You know, if you're like me and everyday life does in fact include designer bags. I just have a thing for Coach. Fuck off.
ANYWAYS, as I'm spending the afternoon waiting by my phone for potential employers to call, watching Sex and the City, I became hip to the fact that it is probably totally impossible that Carrie can afford her bitchin Manhattan apartment by writing a weekly newspaper column. But in a silly, unrealistic way, it makes me feel like I can make shit work. I can make money doing something I love and have a bitchin place of my own. And yes, its silly to take such basic inspiration from such a generic fictional character, but thats why we keep making music and books and films and silly sitcoms, because we're a very diverse world and sometimes we need some reassurance that there's someone else out there that we could relate to.
I've never found many people who I can relate to. I do have a few though. I have some very lovely friends that I can relate some aspect of my life to, because my life is pretty eclectic.
I've been trying to avoid talking about this, but its sort of impossible since it pops into my mind every five minutes, but I've met someone. Well, I've known him for a while, but he just recently crossed into the "Potential Mate Zone". Perhaps that should be explained-- my new and improved background in evolutionary biology has given me a new and improved smarty pants vocabulary. You may be able to physically be with someone, but first you have to actually recognize that someone as a potential mate. And once someone crosses into The Not a Potential Mate Zone, aka The Friend Zone, it can be hard to readjust your brain. But I did, and I'm really glad that I did. Well, I think I am. I'm also really scared that I'm just being silly and it won't go anywhere, because to jump back on the whole people-I-can-relate-myself-to track, he may be the most relatable to me guy I've ever kind of been with (yes, that was horrible wording, but I couldn't think of another way to put it). Its kind of since we're not together. Because he doesn't live anywhere near me.
< I feel the need to add a disclaimer real quick and say this is NOT my best friend Mike. He is just my best friend and we are both totally happy like that >
So yes, although I was definitely not looking for someone, I found a very, very nice someone. And I realized that he's the first person I've ever dated and or been with who would not have made fun of me for saying "I just had a giant salad and now I'm reading," but actually said that sentence to me. I mean, thats something so simple, to have compatible eating and reading habits, but I realized that every man prior had not only been different from me, but made fun of me for being different. Not necessarily in a mean way, and not in a way that made me change myself, but it still made me unhappy. I've also never had someone who adopted a new habit or interest for me. And maybe they didn't expect me to adopt theirs, but I still did, and I enjoyed it, but they would still make fun of me and my unique little hobbies, interests or guilty pleasures. And I would really like the chance to get to know this guy more, because aside from all the other great things I'm learning about him, I think he'd actually be accepting of my little quirks in a non condescending way, and I don't think an alternative would even cross his mind.
Why has it been so hard to find someone like that?
Probably because I only recently started appreciating myself.
Too bad the fucking bakery hasn't called to appreciate me yet.
Excuse the mushy sappiness.
Cheers!

I Need To Start Writing Again...

So...yeah.
It is now 2012.
I have graduated from Georgia State University with a Bachelors in Anthropology.
I'm finally 21.
I was in a committed, cohabitational relationship for 2.5 years, which I broke up because I fucked up.
After several miserable months I sort of got him back, only to have him treat me like crap, but still decide that he wants me to move back in, even though we're not any sort of couple. I'm finally realizing that even though I got what I wanted, I don't think thats what he wanted. He doesn't know what he wants, and maybe I don't either.
I now live with my parents again.
I am unemployed and searching for a job.
The two most promising places I've applied (which haven't called me yet) are a bakery and a clothing boutique.
I have also semi-secretly applied to be a retail coordinator between an Asian museum and their museum store. The job is in New York City. (Thats why its semi-secret).
I've wanted to start a band since I was about 5, and every attempt has failed. But I've recently decided that I shouldn't give up, so I've been trying to play guitar again, and one of my best friends, Yumiko, is going to actually play guitar in this alleged band. At the moment its called El Scorcho. Yes, its a Weezer reference, because she's half Japanese and I'm a redhead (except I'm the one that plays the cello, details).
So I guess I do know what I want- make music, make money, get my own place, and possibly move to New York. And fun, lots of fun.

Lets Begin The November Chronicles...GO!

Well, if you (the nonreadership) can recall, next week begins the last week of the month of October, which last year was the last week before my life completely went to shit.

So its almost come full circle.

And I'm not sure why I'm constantly assuming this year will parallel the last, but nevertheless, I've been terrified of the oncoming November.

So lets see where I am now...working at Gallery Row again, except I've recently begun to hate it a little. And the only reason for that is the fact that I have to drive almost an hour to get here, and then work an 8 or 10 hour shift alone. Im still passionate about the work itself, especially my new assistant manager shit and finally being able to justify my power. Even if its still only for minimum wage. Oh yeah, thats another reason I'm fucking tired of this shit-my raise hasn't been showing up in payroll yet.

Besides the job, everything is actually going pretty fucking great, to the point of almost being too good to be true: I've finally figured out exactly what I want to study for the next 2 and a half years of forced higher education: Anthropology. Fuckin excited about it too.

McCabe and I are on absolutely honest and good terms, we've started working on music stuff, Andy and Ryan are happily married, Cassie and Roland are probably soon to be happily married, and for the first time in 5 years, Cassie has a real place to live. A real (and really nice) apartment with a real guy who takes care of her and makes her happy no strings attached.

Marleny, though in shitloads of debt, is still fairly happy, and is probably going to settle down herself in the next few years. Dunno what Garretts up to except for lots of mountain biking, but I think he's good for now. Paul cut his hair and is probably going to become a victim of "Bro Rape" (youtube it) before long, but I think he's content, and thats what matters.

I've been to New York, I've sat in front of that house and cried, and I'm closer to feeling OK with all that again. My relationship with my mom is unrecognizable compared to a year ago. We actually went out and got along perfectly for an entire evening. It was actually fun. She treats me like a real human being now.

I'm dating a guy that is so close to perfect it bothers me. Except he only pays for me if its something cheap, like just coffee. And he makes way more than me, so I don't get it...

Is it bad that when things are going really well, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan again? And I mean, honestly, this is what happened last year about this time, except things are actually way better than they were....so does that mean that whatevers coming is going to be correspondingly worse? Or am I paranoid? Or did everything thats happened in the past year just been necessary to get to this point?

We shall see...

I had one of those moments where I felt like I'm already in the future, like grandparent age, and that whats happening right now is just a flashback into the past.

Of course, thats really what it is, if you want to get freaky and technical: somewhere in the future, we already are looking back and remembering whats happening right now. You know? You care? NO! Ha...

So yeah. I need to keep up with this more like I used to. I'm really going to make more of an effort. Cyber venting fronts are good for me.

Cheers,

...what?

Well, its just after noon on a Saturday. Clouds are raining their asses off. Lovely.

Its times like these, I reflect, and I realize my life is one giant fucked up fucking fuck wad of weird. I'm fucking grasping at ridiculous, illogical notions to attempt to offer some reason for the past year. I mean, REALLY?! 

No one reads this, but if you do, then you probably either know me, or read enough from past entries (or you could if you really wanted to) about my past year. 

But besides all that, I also thought a lot this morning about my life 9 years ago. 

I honestly think that I think, that going to New York is going to solve, or give clarity to, all my issues from both of these time periods. I've just kind of made it that one point, off in the distance, that was going to make everything that messed me up 6 years ago better, and then through the course of the past year, its ended up possibly being what solves my problems from last August to now. 

But that would honestly be completely ridiculous. I need to stop day dreaming these ridiculous solutions to problems that are from my past and no longer fixable. 

I actually just need a better way to deal with them.

For instance, Watching all of Weeds season 2 while drinking gin and tonic and gin and grapefruit juice until 3 AM, while taking breaks to smoke alone on an empty bench, debating whether or not to see if any of my friends that ever joked about being my booty call would actually want to go through with it (at about 1AM), except I had enough sense NOT to do that, and then mixing a fucking amazing salad and getting it really close to the homemade salads I had in Switz, and then after that cooking an awesome grilled cheese (maybe I should channel my shit into cooking like in Julie & Julia? No? No.) and then after an amazing cliff hanger ending to the season, went to bed.

And now I'm watching it rain, listening to To Leave or Die in Long Island, thinking of how much I would like to do both (leave here, eventually die on LI, which is actually what I decided when I spend hours laying around in Switz coming to terms with my mortality, thats the short version).

I've decided that since the friends/not friends I have in NY are probably not going to really have anything to do with me, along with blowing $330 to stay in a goddamn hotel in fucking Plainview for 3 nights, I'm going to buy a fuck ton of train tickety/tokeny things and just ride around on trains, all over LI and probably Manhattan too, and just write. I wrote my best shit on trains in Switzerland, and the whole time I was looking forward to riding on trains in New York, so I think I'd actually enjoy that.

Yeah, it'll be a lot like this summer: riding on trains, eating good food, feeling alone and thinking/writing shit. Oh, and drinking a lot.

Except I'm hoping John wasn't just saying shit when he agreed we would watch Project Runway together on Thursday night. But if not, I'll have that hotel room (FUCK MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!!)

Okay, its almost 1, I'm going to driving half an hour in the down pour to the northside and go to Japanfest, then back to PTC to drink with Justice or something. 

"and if I had a big emo band, or dropped out of college, I would have never met you, man."

You know, I'm starting to think that might have been a good thing. Ugh.

Cheers loves

Coffee Shop Window Philosophy (as voiced to Chris via Skype)

do you ever feel like you're in several different movies? and sometimes it feels like you're in the right one, maybe just when you're walking down the street, or sitting around with friends? but you have no idea why it feels like the right one, and its so vague it just feels like the opening scenes, and you wish you could just peek ahead a little, at the rest of the script, just to know if you're right, and you actually are going in the right direction. but either way, you know once you get there, it will have gone by unaturally fast, and hopefully it was a good one.

i dunno. im just sitting in the window of a coffee shop watching it rain and watching random people walk by. its almost overwhelming to think that all these people have their own complex thoughts and lives like your own. the advanced state of the human race really is quite incredble. it almost bothers me. how the fuck did we come up with all this? and is the fact that we came up with all this the reason that we're so miserable most of the time? because there are too many choices and too many negative outcomes, and so much that we're terrified most of the time? and there are so many people, but we all still feel alone most of the time.

I have no idea why im feeling so philosophical today.

Probably the weather. i do best under these climate conditions.

 

if it was just 15 degrees colder i could probably split the atom.

Chris: so you're saying you sitting there thinking about those things is good?  im not judging I'm just clarifying.

no, probably not. but i suppose its better than chain smoking and drinking every night and then just laying around thinking about all the things you're worried about in the up coming month, and thats just the up coming month, and wishing you had someone.

Chris: probably, but either way it's all thinking too much

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I suppose that was a decent ice breaker to what, like 4 months of no blogging. 

...I should join the mounted police force. I used to want to do that in Central Park. I have no idea why we have a need for them in Atlanta though. All the same, its not fair they get to ride horses all day and I have to walk everywhere.

Anyways, yeah, im probably gonna get back into using this thing. I had a wordpress called running in circles for a while, but that was extra-ordinarily depressing so I'll just use this for normal things? Semi-normal things anyways. 

Cheers, I don't feel like providing background for the past 4 months...just know they sucked a little. Europe on a whole was amazing, but I ended up being more stressed over things back home then I was to begin with. It was not a mental vacation by any means and that was what I needed. I tried to run away and put so much faith in that trip to save me, but in reality, I came back with at least 15 extra pounds, a rash, and I spent all of the $3,000 I had saved up, of which I had intended to come back with $1,000 of. 

So now I commute apx. 50 minutes to Carrollton, still working at Gallery Row, and still getting minimum wage even though I'm a manager and I've been with them over 2 years now. 

I need to finish my resume and find another job. 

But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I leave, who's to stop them from ruining that place too?

Fuck, I said no background information. Motherfuck.

Ok, that's really all for now, as always,

Cheers