alone

first and foremost, you have to understand that i don't feel like this every second of my life; sometimes i am the happiest, most optimistic person you could ever hope to meet.

but sometimes, semi-frequently, i feel like this.

i think i am going to die alone. i don't think there is anyone out there that's made for me.

everyone is supposed to have someone, the other half of their soul out there.

i so badly want that someone to be there.

i want to run to them when i feel upset, or angry, or ecstatic about something, and i want to be able to just melt into their arms, and fit perfectly, like no one else could. and we'll say all the right things to each other because we were made for each other, and we'll be high off each other's smell, and the sound of each other's voice, and each others presence. it won't matter where we are, as long as we're together, life has a meaning. 

i spend every christmas decorating my little tree by myself. even when i've had a boyfriend on christmas, something always happens and they can never be there to decorate it with me. so i do it myself, and just pretend that someone's there with me, and that when we're done, we can just lie down on the bed or the couch, and just look at it.

that's all i really ever fucking do anymore: i have like 8 different fantasies about all these different guys playing in my head, and any one of them could work, but in real life it just can't.

there's one thats interested in me alot, and i should think that he's perfect, because he should be for me, but i just cant make myself do it; there's just no chemistry there.

and then theres one that has amazing amounts of chemistry, but doesn't want anything to really do with me unless we're already around each other.

there's one that i will probably always be in love with, for reasons i can't figure out, but he would never in a million years love me back, we're only friends in his eyes. 

there's one who even though we are just friends, occasionally lapses into something more, but it doesn't seem like there's anything stable enough to keep it going from both ends.

there's one that i have some sort of chemistry with, but basically he only wants to fuck me, not actually care about me, and ever though i really just want to have sex period, i shouldn't go for that, because right now i need someone more to be there. 

i'm not only looking for my real other half just yet, if he turns up, that'd be a miracle, but i just want someone. i need someone. i just wish i could find someone that really needed me.

even though i need a lot of help myself, i always have to help someone else. i think i'm supposed to be some sort of "shield for misfortune"- i can take on other people's suffering as if it were my own, i believe in them, i help them through whatever is wrong with them, and i never really get anything back, so when i'm finally drained and feel rejected again, i just leave. 

but there's no point in worrying about the end for now, cause i don't have anyone to begin with.

i'm just sitting alone in my almost fully christmas-decorated basement, wishing there could be someone on this couch with me that loved me. that's all i really want for christmas.